A couple of great things happened in the last two weeks:
1. I went on vacation
2. I ovulated!
The vacation was more than needed. To say the least, we had a great time. The trip was originally planned so we could attend my cousin's wedding in Tucson, Arizona, but with no vacation since our honeymoon we decided we were due for a break from our reality. We went down for the wedding a week early, and enjoyed ourselves thoroughly. My husband played golf 3 days, we did a little hiking, enjoyed the 75 degree weather, and ate and drank to our hearts content! Scott and I were there for one night by ourselves, then my sister and her son joined us the following day. I hadn't see them since they moved from Oregon to Indiana 6 weeks prior, so it was so good to be together with them again. My gracious aunt let us stay in her timeshare condo, and then once she arrived she allowed us to continue to stay with her. She was so sweet, even giving Scott and I the master bedroom while she and her grown son shared the queen size Murphy bed. She is a dear, really...but she also joked about not wanting to sleep in our bed because she didn't want to "sleep on sticky sheets!" I can't believe those words came out of her mouth, but they did! And she was right...I mean, I was ovulating (not that she knew that) so go figure! It was on Wednesday the 15th (CD15) that I actually got the positive OPK, and that was the day she arrived. It would make a great story to one day tell her "Thank you for letting us stay in the master bedroom! The sticky sheets in Arizona gave us our little one!"
So in another 5 days or so I will hopefully be able to find out I am pregnant again and then in another 9 months or so I will be able to thank my aunt!
I am really excited to test. Actually, in all honesty, I don't think I got pregnant this month. Our timing was fine, but I'm just not really feeling it. Not that I would expect to have symptoms already (about 8DPO), so I'm not basing my feeling on lack of or presence of symptoms, I just don't have that "gut" feeling like I've had a time or two in the past when I was hoping to become pregnant. Plus, with our third pregnancy at about this same time (8DPO) my husband told me, "You're pregnant. I can feel it," and I was...but just the other day he said, "I don't think you're pregnant this month." So, if his record holds, I won't be pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I hope he's wrong, because I do very much want to be pregnant, as does he, but I'm not holding my breath. If we aren't pregnant this will be the second cycle in which we tried and didn't get pregnant. Not a bad track record, I know, I just never wanted to add anymore unsuccessful months to the record.
Just as I don't want to add anymore miscarriages to the record. I am deathly afraid, but hopeful and optimistic. I feel as though my journey has been long enough and hard enough, as foolish as that is!, and that everything will be okay next time. I know there is no guarantee, and many women experience much more difficult journeys (I just found out that after 10 years of trying and 2 failed IVFs my cousin and his wife are pursuing adoption), I just feel so ready. I know readiness has nothing to do with it...and there's nothing to explain why I've been lead down this path I am on...I just know I'm ready for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of this journey. One year ago today, which also happens to my brother-in-law Joe's birthday, I took my very first ever pregnancy test, and it was positive! Who knew that in a year I would have been through what I have, still trying, and not yet holding our baby.
In sentiment of this day, I took a test this morning. I used a Dollar Tree test at 6:30 am using FMU. After about 15 minutes I didn't see a line, but I did notice a "shadowed" area where the test line should be. Not thinking much of it and still very tired, I fell back asleep. At 8am I woke up again, and looked at the test. There was very faint second line. Excited and confused, I hopped out of bed and made my way down to Target to buy some FRER tests. I know you're not supposed to look at a test after the allotted time period, but I've used LOTS of Dollar Tree tests, and I've never gotten an evap line. When I returned from Target I dipped a FRER in my reserved FMU, and it was completely, positively NEGATIVE.
For the record, here's a shot of my BFE...my first ever evap line. I guess the 25th of February is a day of firsts, afterall!
Oh well, I didn't have much of an expectation, I am only 10DPO afterall, but the thought of celebrating today just as we did one year ago was too much to not test. I'm not bummed out in the least because I know I'm not out yet, but of course there's that little part of me still wishing it could have been today.
But since it's not today, I'll keep my hopes up that it will correct itself in a few more days. And if not then...as Scott has told me...there's always next month.
I can do this. I can.
Well...Scott was wrong (and to be fair...so was I)! I'm pregnant!
I tested again Sunday morning, despite my vow not to test again until at least Monday. After dropping my four precious drops of unine in to the well I stared intentley at the test...for about a minute. Nothing, so I fiddled around another minute, got in the shower, and then when I hopped out of the shower (I took a 4 minute shower...which is, like, record-breaking speed for me!) and I looked at the test there was the faintest little pink line. I almost couldn't believe it! A pink line!!
I got real nervous for a second and tried to decide what I should do...Should I tell Scott right now, or should I try to surprise him a little later? Should I test tomorrow then tell him?? Then I said screw it, there's no way I'm hiding it, even for a day. So it my robe, hair up in a towel turban, I toted my test out to the office, where he was looking up the weather. I just said, "Check this out," and handed him the test. He said "Oh, it's pink." Yep, it was pink.
And then he started with the disclaimers and negativity. "Don't get excited." "We're not telling anyone, even after you miscarry." I couldn't believe these words were coming out of his mouth. I told him that wasn't the reaction I needed and began to walk away. I was so PISSED! Here I was, happy (scared and nervous, YES, but happy all the same!) and here he was with his classic negative comments. He stopped me from walking away, and changed his tune. He smiled, said he was happy, just didn't want to get burned again. And I understood that (believe me!) and he apologized for his negativity (...I think), and we hugged.
We proceeded with the rest of our Sunday as though nothing was new. We didn't talk about it much, which helped me not to go crazy. We did however end up buying new patio furniture that day, and I got to opt out of helping to lift the heavy boxes. I felt bad just standing there, but he insisted. He is always really good about that when I'm pregnant.
We had a little talk about the pregnancy in the car this evening as we parked at the hospital to take my blood test (beta and progesterone). He said something about "This whole pregnancy thing is really hard for us. I can't believe how easy it is for some people, but not us." I said, "I know, which reminds me. I need you to be supportive and positive right now. I'm still mad about how you reacted yesterday." And he basically affirmed his fears, and I did mine. I asked him to help me stay positive, and he agreed to do that, as long as I agreed to keep loving him, no matter what we have yet to endure. And I can agree to that.
On another note, we also picked up my progesterone prescription tonight. When I talked to the nurse today she told me I was going to need to get some special script from the compounding pharmacy. I had never heard of a compounding pharmacy so I asked a couple of questions and ended up telling her I had taken Prometrium before. When she called me back she had ordered the Prometrium. I don't know if the doctor changed her mind because she thought I was asking for Prometrium, or if it really doesn't matter, but I thought it was weird that she would go from ordering something special to ordering what I had mentioned. My guess is that it probably doesn't matter, but I just hope the doctor didn't think I was asking for Prometrium instead simply because I mentioned it. It seems like a lot of my questions are taken personally with this doctor, like if I ask a question I am really questioning her advice or orders...which is not the case.
At any rate, I still don't have my first appointment set, I completely forgot to ask the nurse (actually, I thought she would have told me when to make it for, but she didn't!). I'll be sure to ask her when she calls tomorrow with my beta and progesterone numbers. I am hoping to get in right at 7 weeks. Any sooner I find ultrasound results to be questionable or non-reassuring, and any later I will likely be going nuts! So I hope I can get in
So, here's to hoping for a quant above 20 (20? Why 20? I dunno, that just seems like a good number to solidly indicate pregnancy) and a good progesterone reading. Now I'm off to insert the suppository!
I would really appreciate it if the nurse would call me with my test results! They've been open for going on three hours now and I still haven't gotten the call. I have a feeling I will be waiting all day. Which is fine, I know it's not the most important thing in the world to them, but I'm really itching to know. Mostly I'm curious about the progesterone. I hope that number is good. I hope they're both good, but in all honesty the beta wont tell me much besides that I am pregnant (which, four tests later, I'm pretty much convinced that I am!). It's the 48 hour beta that's important.
I need to remember to ask two things:
1. Has a second, 48-hour beta been ordered? If not, order one!
2. When should I schedule my first appointment?
I'm still hoping for 7 weeks. That's about three weeks away. I hope that's plenty of time to still get in for a Monday evening appointment, putting me in around March 20th. If I can't get in that Monday then I'll probably have to wait till the next, which will be torturous!
The nurse finally called me yesterday, but only after I called and bugged her at 4pm. She called back within 10 minuets, so I wonder what prevented her from calling all freaking day!?!?
Anyhow it was worth the wait. She told me my hCG indicates that I am pregnant and that my progesterone was good...
...and then I asked for the actual numbers. I don't get why she didn't just tell me...maybe because some patients have no idea what they mean, but me? I know, believe me!
And in my opinion they were good, too!
Progesterone = 23.2
hCG = 95.3!!!!
I was really quite impressed with the hCG. I don't know why, but I was expecting it to be much lower (remember...above 20? ). So at 12DPO I think 95 is pretty good. I tried looking up my favorite hCG chart from www.conceivingconcepts.com, but it seems my employer's security filter has restricted access to the site and has classified it as "Sex Education." I guess they figure that site/information is not imperative to the securities industry. God, I hope they don't catch on to this website!!
Here's the chart I mentioned above. It doesn't even have 12DPO on it, but I still love this thing!
So now I just have to wait and see what tonight's draw comes back at. I'm sure it will double, so I don't even know why I'm doing it. It's just for peace of mind, but really there isn't too much peace of mind in it for me. I have seen my numbers double with three different pregnancies now, and all have ended (plus one where I didn't get my levels checked ). So the information is, basically...useless. But its a hurdle, or milestone. Call it what you will, but somehow it's a bit comforting to know that things are on track, even if just for a couple of days. I'll take what I can get!* At 14 DPO, the average HCG level is 48 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-119 mIU/ml.
* At 15 DPO, the average HCG level is 59 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-147 mIU/ml.
* At 16 DPO, the average HCG level is 95 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 33-223 mIU/ml.
* At 17 DPO, the average HCG level is 132 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-429 mIU/ml.
* At 18 DPO, the average HCG level is 292 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 70-758 mIU/ml.
* At 19 DPO, the average HCG level is 303 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 111-514 mIU/ml.
* At 20 DPO, the average HCG level is 522 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 135-1690 mIU/ml.
* At 21 DPO, the average HCG level is 1061 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 324-4130 mIU/ml.
* At 22 DPO, the average HCG level is 1287 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 185-3279 mIU/ml.
* At 23 DPO, the average HCG level is 2034 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 506-4660 mIU/ml.
* At 24 DPO, the average HCG level is 2637 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 540-10,000 mIU/ml.
Speaking of getting...I also got my first appointment scheduled. It is for March 22, at 8:50am. I will be 7 weeks...if I make it! I can't help but be scared, so fingers crossed. It feels like such a long time away, but today is March First so I guess the 22nd will be here in no time. Plus, in all honesty I really wouldn't want to go in any earlier. I have had far too many unsure ultrasounds prior to 7 weeks that I would really prefer just to wait. By seven weeks we should see adequate developement and a strong heartbeat, assuming that everything goes as planned.
I noticed some cherry blossom trees beginning to bloom today. It reminded me of a new beginning, a fresh start, and beautiful things to come.
Up and coming...
12DPO hCG (2/27) = 95.3
12DPO Progesterone = 23.2
14DPO hCG (3/1) = 304
7W (3/22) 146BPM (doctor's count)
4mg Folic Acid
4W (3/1) 126
5W (3/8 ) 125.5
6W (3/15) 125.5
7W (3/22) 126 Doctor's Weight 127.8
8W (3/29) 127.5
Call me crazy. Just do it. Because I swear am.
I say this because I am feeling so confident right now in this pregnancy. I feel like this is the one I've been waiting for. I really think I am going to be a mom in November. I know I should be scared out of my mind; I should be up all night worrying, and constantly concerned about my symptoms or lack of symptoms (which ever it happens to be at the moment!)...but I am so calm and confident, I probably wouldn't believe it if I weren't feeling it for myself.
I guess I am just sick of being scared. When I became pregnant for the fourth time I talked myself in to enjoying the pregnancy while I had it, because I knew there was no guarantee that it would last long. I am doing the same thing this time around, with a little added positivity. I've told myself that there is no sense in worrying about something until I know there is cause for concern, and even then there is not much worrying can do for me. When I think about it, I know I have cause for concern. I mean, I don't exactly have the best track record! But I know I also don't have anything known to be causing me to miscarry, so I just have to believe that I will have better luck this time.
Whatever it is that is causing this confidence, it feels good. I think it may be denial ("It can't happen again"), or the fact that I am on baby aspirin and vitamins that I know many women have had success with, or the fact that I am just so ready, or the fact that I feel like I am at my wits end! I don't know what it is, but I much prefer to feel this way than to be in constant fear. I know deep down that this confidence may well indeed bite me in the ***. I know, I know, I know. I just don't want to assume that anymore.
"Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life"
It's time I practice that again. I need to be happy in my life, and right now I am pregnant, and I am happy for that.
Well, today's a new day, and unfortunately that positive attitude I had yesterday decided it wouldn't show up today! I still feel optimistic, I just don't know what got in to me yesterday. I think I was feeling overly confident, and that scared the crap out of me when I woke up today. Maybe I'm just having a reality check, or maybe I just feel too good today to believe I'm pregnant and moving in the right direction.
Don't get me wrong, I am still staying positive, but I think I need to tone it down for my own sake. I don't want to have to fall too far.
One more week until my first appointment!
It's still a week away and I'm already having trouble sleeping at night...worrying about what we will find out. I've pretty much talked myself out of the confidence I was feeling last week. The reality of it is that no matter how pregnant or not pregnant I am feeling...I've felt this way before and there is simply no guarantee. I've tried to find reassurance in the fact that my breasts are tender and I've tried to revel in my moments of sickness...but this is the routine for me and I know it means nothing. So I am scared.
I've asked myself how I will deal with another loss, and the honest truth is I don't know how. I've envisioned the days filled with sad news, pictured going to the hosiptal for another D&C, made up conversations with my doctor...and it's all really awful. I don't want to feel like this. I want to be happy, and I was so good at it the other day...I just don't know how to get that back.
I need to go re-read what I wrote. Maybe that will lift my spirits!
I've known all day that my appointment is tomorrow...but I just now started getting butterflies! I don't remember feeling butterflies in my stomach for a long time.
I've been feeling pretty optimistic the last few days, and then I think to myself, "Don't be crazy. You have no idea what's going on in there."
I would give anything to have that naive sense of joy over pregnancy that surrounds me in life and on the internet. Women around me are so happy when they are newly pregnant, but I will never feel that excitement again. I am ruined by my experiences, and because of what I have endured I will never know that natural, healthy, happy feeling of a new pregnancy. But also because of what I have endured I have become very realistic about pregnancy, and for that I think I am a better person. I don't take anything along this journey for granted.
I believe strongly that I will feel the joys of a long, healthy pregnancy one day. I just wish I knew it. But as is life, there is no crystal ball, just one day after the next. And the day after today is my first ultrasound of my fifth pregnancy. All I can do is hope for good news and then go from there.