Sometimes I wonder if there's a note stuck to my forehead that says, "No need to be nice to me, I'm just here to bother you." It seems like everytime I go in to this doctor's office, I am causing someone some sort of upset. Today it started with the nurse. Why is that I am asking her FIRST how she is doing...isn't it her job to greet the patient? I don't get it.
Once we were in the patient's room she took my blood pressure, asked me when my LMP was, wheeled out my due date, pulled out a sheet and said, "I'll get the doctor to see if there's anything in there this early."
Hi. My name is Cathi. I have had four miscarriages in under a year and I am pregnant again. Have you read my chart? Please be understanding and don't say stupid **** to me about coming in for an early ultrasound.
GRRRRRR!!!!!! When she left even my husband was like, "Whatever happened to, 'Hopefully we see a good strong heartbeat in there today.'?"
When the doctor came in she was pretty cut and dry, as I've come to expect. I think I kind of understand her, but then again she totally throws me off. For instance, she was flipping through my chart, asked me how many HPT I took (I said 3...must've forgotten about the 4th for a moment), then she said, "Oh, and your betas went up really nice." At which point I said, "Yep, they always do." She finished the sentence with me, "...always do." Then added, "I wasn't going to say that but you know." This didn't offend me in the slightest, as I have come to know that nothing is certain, and certainly not to trust a good strong beta in the first few days of pregnancy. Mostly what the comment told me thought was that she knows I'm up on what is going on and what should be going with my body, and because of that she's not going to spend a lot of extra time babying me and comforting me. I get that. But I still want a doctor to give me a hug again. That was the best.
A moment later she had Scott come stand by my head so we could all see the screen together, which was nice, and she started the ultrasound. Once she had the probe up touching my cervix we could see the gestational sac and a blob of a baby right away. She measured it, said 6 and a half weeks, and then I said, "But no heartbeat." She said, "Oh, no, there's a heartbeat. See, right here." Well, I couldn't see it. Her machine sucks. The two other times I've been able to see a heartbeat it was a lot more obvious, but also on a machine with a much clearer picture. Since I was having a hard time seeing it I said "Just measure it." Well, as it turns out, this machine also doesn't measure heartbeats! Piece of crap. She could tell I was discouraged, so she said she would count it out, and she estimated 146BPM!
Even if it was just an estimate, that is the best rate I've had yet!
Here's a pic of the pic I got to bring home. Smile baby!
She asked me to come back to monitor the growth, and said if I couldn't wait two weeks I could come next week. Two weeks, in the grand scheme of things is really not a long time, so I opted to come back in two weeks. By then the growth and development should be sufficient enough to get some better images of the bean, if all goes as planned, so I know it will be worth the wait. She did tell me to not hesitate to call to be squeezed in if I experience any bleeding or seem to need some reassurance between now and then, which is great so I'll add that to doc's small list of nice-ities!
All in all, the appointment was all I hoped it would be. I got to see a beating heart, and I get to come back it two weeks. I also have a refill of Prometrium coming, and was given the okay to take Tylenol PM, Benadryl or Unisom on nights when I can't seem to fall asleep. That bottle of Tylenol PM has been calling my name, but I've been waiting for the okay. Now that I have it, I'll be be sure not to abuse it! Sometimes a night of sleep with the PM is the best thing in the world!
(Ladies, Thank you for putting up with me and my early pregnancy on the TTC Journals Board. I would still like to stick around over here until my next appointment, which isn't too far away. I'm still very nervous about settling in to this pregnancy, er...rather, about whether or not this pregnancy will settle in to me! Thank you for your understanding!)
Last night I had an unbelievable case of the hormones.
I told my husband who I love dearly that I "f-ing hate" him and that I wished he would die. Bad. I know. I can't believe myself, and I don't think I will ever forget how I made him feel. And we weren't even fighting. It all just happened in a split second, and I am completely ashamed of how I reacted.
He had fallen asleep on the couch. It was about 8:45 and he was awake a few minutes earlier when I got up to email a friend really quickly (which was annoying because I was SO tired too, but really needed to email her some information about a trip we're taking soon). When I came back to the living room I realized I needed to refill my pill boxes for the week. I do it every Wednesday night, but had forgotten about it until just then, and I was so frustrated that I had to do it because I was so dreadfully tired. But I needed my pills for the morning. So I grabbed the pill boxes and 5 bottles of pills, threw them on the couch and sat down to fill the boxes. Scott yelled at me for waking him, I yelled back that I had to do it, he angrily got up to go to bed, purposely knocked the pill bottles off the couch and yelled a little more, and then I yelled those awful words. I sat there and cried as I filled my pill boxes, then decided I couldn't go to bed yet despite being completely wiped out.
When I finally went to bed, I went to sleep feeling ashamed of what I had said. He didn't hear me, but I uttered "I love you" before I began my night of tossing and turning. I have never spoken such evil words to anyone, even in the midst of an out and out fight. We have never treated each other with the kind of disrespect that I did last night. Our relationship is based on respect and understanding and honesty, and what I said to him broke all those rules.
I have apologized profusely, but I don't know if that's enough to make him feel like I really mean it. I come nowhere close to hating him, and I don't want him to doubt my love for him, even for a moment. We will have another conversation about it tonight, and in that conversation I will make sure he knows how I adore him and that I place our relationship above all else.
I don't want to pull out the "Pregnant Card" on this, but I really think the hormones (mixed with exhaustion) got the best of me last night. I feel terrible about it, and will be sure to keep myself in check if I ever feel that rage coming on again. I don't like the way it made either of us feel, so I know I need to keep control of my emotions and especially my words in the future.
I can't believe it's April already! And I can't believe I have my next appointment in two days!
I am feeling the same things I felt before the first appointment. I am really excited and really scared. I know it will either be very happy or very sad. But alas, all I can do it make it through tomorrow and wake up Wednesday morning and go. Tomorrow would be no big deal, if only I didn't have to go to work!
Work is really irritating me lately. I snapped at one of the guys I work with for doing stupid **** and breaking important rules, and he's still all mad at me, even after going to Disneyland for a week! I can't believe he's so pussy hurt over me telling him to knock it off, but he is. He's not your normal guy (most would have been over this LONG ago!), he's extremely sensitive. I know I should apologize, but I don't feel like it. . The other guys at work are pissing me off too. For instance, standing in front of my desk and waiting for me while I am clearly on the phone or talking to someone else (one guy did this while I was hashing out a problem with a fellow worker and I finally said, "Do you need something?" He said, "Yah, I just wanted to see if you wanted to sign Mr. Client's birthday card." Like that couldn't have waited until I was freaking done hashing out a REAL client problem!). I know it's just my hormones flaring, but I honestly feel like these guys I work with are becoming more helpless, clueless and pathetic than ever...and it's getting on my nerves!! I know I have to keep myself in check though (better than I did the other day ), especially since they don't know I'm pregnant. But I never want that to be an "excuse" for my actions, so I really need to watch myself.
In other news...my sister was here last week, visiting from Indiana. It was very good to see her and her little man Ryan. The little guy was sick most of the week which didn't make for a very relaxing vacation for her, but she sure was pleased as punch when I told her I was pregnant!
I drove up to visit her and I had plans of bringing my one last pregnancy test to give to her (can you imagine the willpower it took not to pee on that thing!!) but wouldn't you know it, I freaking forgot it at home! So I had no prop for telling her but she did offer me a mint, which lead to the reveal. I don't eat a lot of mints anymore because most of them are made with artificial sugar. She knew I had stopped eating artificial sugar, but wasn't thinking about it. So I decided quickly to have a mint, knowing it had aspartame. I popped it in my mouth, sucked on it for a second, then asked her to look to see if it had artificial sugar. She said, "Uh-oh. It does." No big deal, I rolled the window down and spit it out. Then I said, "I know it seems silly, but I've been doing so good, espeically since I found out I'm pregnant." AHHHH!!! She got so excited. Big hugs, almost made me drive off the road! She is really a dear, and is very excited for Scott and I. In fact, she really wants to be pregnant again so we can try it together this time, but she still hasn't had a period since having Ryan and she's still breastfeeding, so it's a total toss up. Plus, I told her not to get too worked up about it, because we still don't know the fate of this pregnancy. Rubbish, she says...she thinks this is the one. (As we all did with all the previous pregnancies )
I'm glad to have her support, and I've tried to remind her not to get too ahead of herself with this. She's already asked if we've thought about names (just for conversation, but still!), if I'll have an epidural, how far along I'll be when I visit her in September, how lucky I am that we have A/C for the summer.... All things that are so NORMAL to talk about when your sister is pregnant, but it just makes me feel uncomfortable. I know she just really wants me to relax and enjoy being pregnant and to think positive, it's just so hard for me to jump that far ahead.