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  1. #1
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    I guess before I write anything else, I should tell you about me and my dh. I am 27 and he is 32. We got married April 27th of 2001. We both wanted a family but decided to wait a year and give us some time to spend just being the two of us.
    From the time I was born, I have had redness on my face and other parts of my body. I wasn't sure what is was, so after my dh and I eloped, we went to the dermatolosist to find out what it was. The doctor said I had a port wine stain. Then we went to a eye doctor and that doctor said I had glaucoma. The glaucoma was caused from the port wine stain. Then we went to another doctor and he said he could laser the port wine off my face and since it was a medical condition, my insurance would help pay for it. I was getting tired of goiung to so many doctors. My mom kept telling me to go see a gynegolosist but I never did, I was going to all these other doctors, my dh said to wait till we paid on the medical bills. We didn't need to add another one. I went in for a visit to my eye doctor and he said my vision in my left eye was getting worse and I needed to go to St.Louis for eye surgery, because the 3 drops I was on wasn't helping. My pressure in that eye was going up too high. During al this time, and even before, I started having pains in my side, at first it was just every once in awhile. Then one night, my dh and I went out to eat, and about half way thru dinner, I started having pains again, and it wouldn't go away. I thought maybe I had heartburn. I had it before I got married. (The first time I got heartburn, I thought I was going to die. All I wanted to do is sleep, and I finally did at 7 the next morning.) Well, that's kind of what it felt like. I had trouble as a child with my bladder. I would have to pee really bad all of a sudden, and had bladder problems. As I became a teen, my shoulder blades would hurt so bad that I would have my parents take turns rubbing them. When I got heartburn the first time, I was about 17. My shoulder blades started hurting so I woke up my parents to have them rub it. But it still hurt.
    Well, back to the night of dinner- I thought I was getting bad heart burn, and my shoulder blades hurt. I thought maybe it was the hamburger I ate. As we got home, it was hurting worse. It was finally time to go to bed. I tried to lay down, but my side kept hurting. My dh was starting to get annoyed with me, he said I shouldn't have ate so much, and if I was going to toss and turn, to go sleep on the couch. He needed to get sleep, because he had to get up early for work. I was quite offended at him. He said he would take me to the er but I thought that was stupid to go just for heartburn. I kept thinking of how I was going to go to work the next day. (I worked at a daycare, and I loved going to work) I never could sleep, I got hot water bottles and put them on my back. But as soon as they cooled off, the pain would still be there, stronger than ever. I kept calling my mom, waking her up. The next morning, as soon as the daycare opened, I called in. All I wanted to do is sleep. My dh called to check up on me and I told him I threw up, so he said he would come home. He took me to the er, even though I protested. They finally got me in, about 6 hours later, and took some test on me. Come to find out, I had kidney stones. They wanted to admit me. I started crying then, cause I had never spent the night in a hospital. I felt like a kid. I wanted my own p.j's and I didn't have a toothbrush. I knew my dh would never get the right stuff and my mom wouldn't know where everything was at my house. So the doctor said I could come back and they would take care of the kidney stones. They also found out they would have to take out my gall bladder, so I would have to come back in to get that taken care of. My friends and family kept asking me when me and my dh were going to have a baby, and it was so hard not to try with all this medical stuff going on. I wanted to have a family.
    Then, two years ago, my eye doctor said I would need eye surgery and I would have to stay in St.Loius to have it done. That was going to be a big problem. My dh's boss is not that nice, and he makes it hard for people to take off, even for a doctor appointment. He thinks work is more important than anything else. But my dh got off. We went right before Independence Day. At the time we went, St.Louis was having some big convention, so our hotel room was really expensive. And we had to stay for 2 nights. I had the surgery done and before the surgery, my eye pressure was in the 30's. The doctor said my pressure would be around 5. He was surprised when I went in the next day after the surgery and it was at 0. But now it is at 10 and that is where they want it. Now I only go to the eye doctor every 6 months. I'm not taking any drops in the left eye. I was taking three drops in each eye three times a day, now I am taking two in my right eye just morning and night. My pressure in my right eye is where it should be.
    Then, when the doctor said insurance would pay for my face to be lasered, I was sort of nervous. I just wanted to start a family. But he said all they do is break up the blood vessals on the top layer of my skin, and I could be pregnant while it was done. I was grateful for that!
    Last September, my dh and I decided that it was a good time to start our family. He said I would be pregnant by the end of the year. My eye doctor told me that when we wanted to get pregnant, to come in and he would take me off one of the eye drops I was taking, Travatan, because it could cause miscarrage or not let certain women get pregnant. So I went off that in October. We used up the last of the condems. (I wanted to go on birth control, but my dh thought I'd have trouble getting pregnant if I had been on bc. He said to wait till we had a baby. Plus, I would have to see a gynecolosist and he thought we didn't need another medical bill at the time. Just wait till I was pregnant.) I decided to wait till AF came for the month of October, then maybe we would ttc. November came as well as Af, but I thought maybe the Travatan wasn't out of my system and thats why I got my period. My dh and I wasn't planning around certain times of the month. We had sex at least 5 times a week, we were active. I didn't want to worry about planning and temperatures and all that other stuff. A lot of my friends just got pregnant the old fashion way. they did it, they conceived. No planning or anything. I thought that would be my case. The months came and went, I still wasn't pregnant in January. I was disappointed and sad that month, cause my dh said I would be pregnant by the end of the year.
    I am a huge planner. When I was younger, I planned all the time. I would even plan out where people would sit in the car when we went on trips. I'm not as bad now, but I still catch myself and it's a disappointment when stuff doesn't happen the way I think it should go. I wanted to have a baby in March. I thought that way I wouldn't be huge in the summer. I could wear big sweaters and not have to buy so many maternity clothes. I thought it would be neat to have a baby born around that time, thats when animals are starting to be born. There isn't any birthdays in our family at that time, or any holidays, my baby would have its own special day. It's not close to my anniversary. (April 27th) I could start losing the weight before my dh and I special day. Then when it starts getting hot, the baby would be older and we could start going outside.
    I knew I wouldn't get pregnant the first month. I thought if we tried a few months, then I'd get pregnant, I could have a baby in March. We were just doing the bd not really thinking about timing, just hoping Mother Nature would do her job. In May, I bought an ovualation kit and we did the bd around the time it said to. But no luck, AF came on schedule. I have always been pretty regular. I'm every 28 days, some times I start the day before or the day after. But never any more than that. So in June, I was supposed to start the 3rd and I didn't but I didn't get too excited, I thought maybe I caculated wrong or was just a day late. Then when I didn't start by the next night, I started getting a little excited. I bought a pregnancy test and finally after waiting, I took it on Sunday. (I bought the kind that has it in words) It said "Not Pregnant". So I thought maybe I took it too soon. The 7th, I had my laser appointment and I told my mom waiting in the doctor office, that my period was late. I had taken the other test that morning but it still said the same thing. My mom asked the doctor if he could still do the laser, she said I might be pregnant. he said it was safe. The laser bruises my face and makes it puffy and I feel like crap the next two days after its done, so when I woke up the next morning feeling crappy, I thought it was from my laser. Around midmorning, guess who would come to visit! AF!!! I was so sure it finally happened. I told my dh that I had never been that late before. I was stressing about ttc and seeing if I had gotten a new position for a job. (I didn't get it) My dh said it wa probaly because of stressing about all that was why it was late. I was sort of sad, but I thought that it would be o.k. to get pregnant next month, the baby would still be born before our anniversary. The next month, I was regular again, I started 28 days later. (the 5th) I wasn't disappointed this time. I thought that I would get pregnant. My dh and I started really trying in July. I counted up when the 14 days would be and started having sex on day 12. I didn't get up after wards, just laid really still for a little while after. I didn't feel leakage out of me like I had been. So when I was supposed to start Sunday, and I didn't feel any different on Sat like I normally do, I thought maybe it worked this time. Mon and Tues came and went and still nothing. Wens, I told my dh that I still didn't get my period, and asked him how it felt to be a dad. I told him I would wait till the 8th to take a pregnancy test. I woke up yesterday, with my lower back hurting and when I peed, there was a spot of blood, but I thought maybe I still was pregnant. I had peed several times and there was just a drop of blood when I wiped but nothing on my panties. When I got home from work, there was blood on the panties and I knew AF came.
    I'm so tired of playing the waiting game. Our pastor and his wife, who are a little younger than me and my dh are expecting their first and she didn't want to get pregnant yet. There are people who want another baby, yet I would be happy just to have one. I wanto be pregnant, I want to wear maternity clothes. (I've been buying some when they are on sale) I'm so tired of people asking me when we are going to have a baby. My dh keeps saying not to tell anyone we are ttc, he said they would keep asking every month if we are pregnant. And some of my family keeps asking "when are you going to have a baby?" My dh finally said if we weren't pregnant by last month, that I could make an appointment to see a doctor, but he doesn't want me to tell them we are having trouble ttc. He said they would want to do test and put me on stuff. He said to wait untill we've been trying for 14 months. He thinks maybe we are not conceiving because of all the caffeinne he drinks. (He has heartburn all the time, He doesn't eat much and he can't drink juice or anything because he'll have really bad heartburn. He has a hole in his esouphagas. He was really sick as a child) He's been trying to drink more water. So he's thinking maybe thats why we are having trouble. I made an appointment last fall to see a gynegolosist but I canceled it cause I was sure I would be pregnant and I didn't want to have to go in just to have to go back in a couple weeks to see the doctor again. It takes a long time to get an appointment. I think when I made the last one I called in June and they could get me in October. I don't want to have to wait four months to get in. I don't know how to get in any faster. I don't know all this medical terms with ttc and pregnancy. I don't want to have to take stuff to get pregnant. When I went in for my kidney stones and gall bladder surgery, the doctor said everything looked good, so why can't I get pregnant.
    Last night, I was so depressed, I went to Taco Bell to get me and my dh something to eat, and I didn't even eat mine. I was just so mad at myself for not being pregnant. I'm not getting any younger. I told my dh that its not fair that these girls who are still in high school are going out and having sex to get pregnant and I am married, go to church and try to be a good person and I can't get pregnant. One of my friends who is 18 and has a baby wanted a baby since she was 14 and was having sex to get pregnant. Well, at 17, she finally got her wish. She isn't married, or about to get married. I told my dh that it wasn't fair. He said God was punishing her. I told him God was punishing me. As I was laying in bed last night, I was geting mad at God and was even thinking about not going to church anymore untill I was pregnant. I was trying to be a good person. Trying to read good books, and not watch bad stuff on t.v., start listening to Christian music. I do all that, and God can't let me get pregnant. I don't even think I want to try this month. Sex is not any fun any more.
    I used to watch my friend's baby at the church I went to with my parents because she helped with the music and I really loved watching him. He almost seemed like my kid. I watched him from the time he was born. And now at the church my dh and I go to, there are babies everywhere. One girl just had a baby a month ago, and I tried telling my husband how hard it was for me to go to church and see that tiny baby, and not be able to hold it. (I don't know the new mom very well.) It's not that bad when I am not at church to see a baby, but for some reason, it is at church. I guess I just miss taking care of a baby while in church. I've been asked to work in the nursery, but I don't want to do that. I like sitting in church with my dh so I can leave when its over. I told my dh that its hard not to take care of a baby while in church but he doesn't understand. He just keeps saying that we will have our own to take care of. But I want one NOW! I keep hoping that the pastors wife will let me take care of hers when its born, but if she doesn't watch it, someone else will and it won't be me.
    I just keep hoping that maybe some day soon, I'll see that magic word on that test and it says "Pregnant".

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    Well, another month has almost went by, and in two more weeks, Af might come to see me. We started TTC last night, I even used pillows this time to see if that would help. We are going to try again tonight, then wait tomorrow to see if maybe we were doing it too much. Mh dh said I would be pregnant this month, but he said that a couple months ago, too!
    I have been wanting to be pregnant for so long, but now that I might get what I want, I'm getting scared. In a way, I don't want to get pregant this month, becasuse I would be due the end of April, and that's when our anniversary is. I want the baby to have its own special day, just like me and my dh do. And May is no good, because so many of my family have b-days at that time. My child wouldn't want to share a b-day with someone else. But at the same time, I'm at the point where I don't care that it might be born around those times.
    I'm so tired of taking prenatal vitamins. I would like to flush them down the toilet. I would do that, and next month, get pregnant. But I keep taking them, and nothing happens.
    I feel for the women who can't get pregnant with the first one. They know how I feel to never have felt what it's like to feel a baby move inside your stomach. I try to feel for the women who are trying for their second child or even third, but it's harder for me to be symethetic toward them. They've got to feel the baby kick, they got to go shopping with their moms for maternity clothes and baby stuff. I would like to get to do that just once.

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    Well, another month has almost went by, and in two more weeks, Af might come to see me. We started TTC last night, I even used pillows this time to see if that would help. We are going to try again tonight, then wait tomorrow to see if maybe we were doing it too much. Mh dh said I would be pregnant this month, but he said that a couple months ago, too!
    I have been wanting to be pregnant for so long, but now that I might get what I want, I'm getting scared. In a way, I don't want to get pregant this month, becasuse I would be due the end of April, and that's when our anniversary is. I want the baby to have its own special day, just like me and my dh do. And May is no good, because so many of my family have b-days at that time. My child wouldn't want to share a b-day with someone else. But at the same time, I'm at the point where I don't care that it might be born around those times.
    I'm so tired of taking prenatal vitamins. I would like to flush them down the toilet. I would do that, and next month, get pregnant. But I keep taking them, and nothing happens.
    I feel for the women who can't get pregnant with the first one. They know how I feel to never have felt what it's like to feel a baby move inside your stomach. I try to feel for the women who are trying for their second child or even third, but it's harder for me to be symethetic toward them. They've got to feel the baby kick, they got to go shopping with their moms for maternity clothes and baby stuff. I would like to get to do that just once.

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    We have been "trying" the last two nights. The first night, we did "it" three times! I guess he liked the nightgown I had on. Last night, he said he didn't feel good, so it was just one time. I know he wanted to skip having sex, but I was worried that that would be the night I would get pregnant, so we had sex even though I could tell he didn't want to.
    All my family keeps asking when we are going to have a baby, and I don't know how to respond. My sister in-law asked me today, and I told her that I'm doing all I can and my dad covered his ears and said he didn't want to hear us talking about sex. I know my parents really want another grandbaby, but I can only do so much.
    Michael told me last night that he thinks it'll happen this time. He's said that before, though, and it didn't! This waiting for two weeks to see if AF will come is really hard. It will seem like the longest two weeks of my life.

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    I placed a hold at the library for the book that everyone kept saying to get"Taking Care Of Your Fertility". There is SO much info in there that it's hard to understand. I wish Michael would read it too, maybe he can help me to understand it. He's not much of a reader though, unless it has something to do with magic. I know it will take me several days to read all of it, and my period is due Sep. 1st. I was wanting to be pregnant this month, but now I don't know when we should try and when we shouldn't. And it will take me awhile to learn how to chart and all that other stuff. It's so confusing!!!
    Michael's aunt and uncle are coming in tonight. We are going to Silver Dollar City, Celebration City, and maybe even Ride The Ducks tomorrow, so we will have a busy day.
    At least there will be something to think about besides TTC. I feel like that is all that has been on my mind. I don't think my dh thinks about it constintly though. It must be a women thing
    My boss wants to cut back my hours but I can't afford for her to do that. I'm only working 16 hours rihgt now and that's barley enough $ to pay my bills. I'm wanting to get a receptionist job but I don't hink noone will hire me since I don't have any experience. All I have ever had experience in was childcare. I'm hoping someone will give me a chance to do secreterial work.

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    Well, it's time for Af to come again, and still nothing. I was supposed to start yesterday, but it isn't abnormal for me not to have started yet. I've been five days late before. I'll just have to wait it out.
    I finally got to get toghther with Renee Pagentt (the pastor's wife) and eat lunch with her. We went to Ruby Tuesdays. She is so sweet. She bought my lunch. I kept telling her not to do that, I had enough money, but she said she wanted to buy my meal since we've been tyring to get toghether for awhile. She is going to have her baby in a few weeks. They weren't even trying to get pregnant. I don't know why it's so easy for someone like that when they didn't even want kids for the first few months she was pregnant. She said that now she is big, she wants one now. Then there are couples out there like me and Michael who despertaly want a baby, and have so much trouble. It's so hard for me to comprehend the hurt people go thru to get pregnant after having a child already, I've never been in their shoes so I don't know what it feels like. Nor do I know what it feels like to get pregnant and miscarry. I pray that never happens to me. I want a healthy pregnancy, a normal labor, and a healthy and happy child. I hope my baby takes after it's parents and sleeps thru the night. Both me and my dh were really good babies, I hope ours copies us.
    If I am pregnant, it would probably be due in July. I didn't want to be big and preggers in the summer, but if I am, then God meant for me to be. My b-day is at the end of July, I hope to have the baby by then.
    I'm so worried that AF will wait to show up till 4 days from now, and I'll be worried whether I am or not, then one morning, I'll wake up, and AF came. I hate when that happens.
    I read the book "Taking Charge Of Your Fertility". I'm going to read it again and see if I can understand it this time. I hope Michael will read it with me since he knows my body better than I do. I guess it's all those medical books he used to look at.
    I started working for the Y.M.C.A. in the mornings from 6:30 to 8:30 with Prime Time. I go to Sherwood on Tues, Wends, and Thurs. Mondays, I go to Gray, and Fridays to Disney. It only pays $5.50/hr, but at least I have a little extra to pay on my laser surgery bill. Plus, I get a free membership to work out. Usually, it cost $29.00 a month with a $100 building fee that I wouldn't get back. I wanted to join a gym so now I get paid to go. I've only went once, on Monday. I was planning on going Tuesday, but I just didn't feel up to it. I got a cold last Wendsday (I think cause I went to bed with my hair wet) and I've been fighting it ever since. I felt ok Thursday when I got up. I started working for Prime Time that day, I played with the kids and had lots of energy, but when I got up Fri, I was really sluggish. I guess I'm not used to getting up at 5:30. I worked for Gina on Thursday and I was fine, but I kept blowing my nose, so she sent me home a little early. She said Jack was doing good on not getting sick and she didn't want him to catch my cold, so I left 45 minutes early. But I worked for her my normal hours on Friday. Saturday, it really got up with me. I finally got up at 10:30, (Michael let me sleep late) I cleaned the house. I had been taking cold pills since I got the cold but on monday, I stopped taking them during the day, and Tuesday, I stopped taking them at night too. I thought maybe they weren't working anymore.
    I was taking two at a time, then went to just one, then quit altoghther. Maybe I should start taking them again.
    So, anyway, on Sat, I took two pills. I decided to take a bath around 6:00 and I was going to take my time in there. I don't know if I accidently took the night time pills, cause I got really sleepy, and fell asleep in the tub. I never do that, nor do I go to sleep during the day. I must have dozed off and on for 30 minutes. After I woke up, I finished my bath, and got out. Then I felt fine after that. I didn't feel bad again untill almost 10:00 when I normally go to bed. I guess my body isn't used to getting up so early, and it's hard for me to fight off this cold and not getting rest. Sunday, I got up at 8:30 to get ready for church. I felt fine thru the day, I was tired when it was time for bed. Monday, I was a little tired, but I was excited to see what it would be like working at Gray. I worked out Monday after I ate lunch with Renee. Tuesday, I was going to work out, but I couldn't get in the mood. I was going to work out then get Vivian and go to the zoo. She is going to start preschool soon and I haven't seen her that much lately so I skipped the workout, and went to get her. I did walk a lot that day at the zoo, so I guess I did work out a little.
    Wendsday, I had to be at Gina's at 10:00 so I didn't have time. It takes 30 minutes to get to her house, and I take forever at the gym. I like working out for a couple hours, take a shower there, and get ready. Since Michael usually gets off at 3:30, I thought I would skip and go today. But if I had known that he wouldn't get off till 8:00 last night, I would've went. If I'm not working, I like to be there when he gets home. I was going to work out today. I need to use Mom's computer so I went yesterday after I got off from the Y and before I came to Gina's but the computer was messed up, so I stayed there anyway, and played Free Cell. I was going to go out there today, but Mom and Dad were both going to be gone, and I need Dad's laptop, and he had it, so I was going home and I had a message on my cell phone from Gina seeing if I couild come in at 10:30 instead of 12:00, so I called her and said ok. I'm here till 6 tonight so I won't be able to go to the gym today. I guess after I work for the Y, and go to moms and use the computer, I'll go to the gym tomorrow. I coming to Gina's at noon, so I'll have a little while to work out tomorrow, if everything goes alright. I told Michael I worked out Tuesday. I told him I didn't work out Wendsday, because I was going to clean up the yard. (Which I didn't do, his parents already mowed) I got off yesterday at 2:00 but I had to go to Famous Barr and get more makeup since I was almost out, so I didn't get home till 3:00. Michael said it was a good thing I'm not paying to work out or it would be a waste of his money.

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    I thought I would write since I probaly won't get to again till tuesday.
    I still haven't started my period. I'm 2 and a half days late. I guess if I don't start by Tuesday, I'll think about buying a test. I just hate buying one and then AF comes the day after I take it.
    At least with the weekend coming and we get a extra day off, maybe I'll be busy and not think of TTC and periods and stuff. We are supposed to have company come in tonight too, so that will help to not think about it.
    I guess when I write again, I will have something different to tell whether its a period or a baby.

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    It's been eight days and still AF hasn't roared her ugly head, so Michael said if nothing happens, we'll buy a test this weekend. THe suspense is killing me. I hope I am pregnant and I'm not stressing and made my period not come. That would probaly happen, not be pregnant and just skip a period. I've had cramping some, like I was going to start in a few days, and I was a little queasy last night. But that's about it! Michael said the other night after sex that he thought I was going to start, but the next time we had sex, he said it didn't feel like that. I'm going to make him buy a test tomorrow night. I can't wait any longer. He said he wanted to go out to eat to celebrate then go park somewhere. I'm glad tomorrow starts the weekend. If I am preggers, I can't wait to get in to the doctor, then I'm going to tell my parents and his parents. I'll wait till Spencer's b-day to tell Jeremy and Spencer and Tonya. (The 29th of this month) I'll tell my friends and other family when I send out Christmas cards if I'm not showing a lot by then.

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    Well, we didn't buy a test last weekend. Michael wanted to wait till he got paid, so we will pick one up when we go grocery shopping. I've had some cramping like AF was going to show up, and my lower back hurts from time to time. Besides that, I feel fine, I'm just still trying to get rid of this cold. It's not too bad, I just have to blow my nose a few times a day. And I'm tired, so when 10:00 p.m. gets here, I'm more htan ready for bed. I guess I haven't gotten used to getting up at 5:30 in the morning. I just hope that having a cold and getting up early hasn't messed up my cycles and made me miss a period. I'm hoping that because I didn't start is because of being pregnant and not from stress.
    I only have two more days to find out! I'm going Friday night to get a test, even if we don't get groceries. Michael said when he got paid and I'm tired of waiting, I'm not going to wait any longer than Friday.
    I will write next week, when I work for Gina.

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    Michael acted like it was a big waste of money but we bought a HPT Froday night at Wal-Mart. I wanted to go home and take it right then, but Michael said we were already running behind and he wanted to get a good spot to watch the Fall Street Nationals. I wasn't going to take it that night, since it was so late when we got home. I thought since I was 17 days late already, waht would one more day hurt. I told Michael since we waited this long, why not wait two more weeks. I was mad at him for the way he was acting. So, when we got home, he said to go ahead and take it. He went out to the car and brought it up to me. I went in the bathroom, and took the test. I started getting ready for bed. I wasn't going to look at it untill at least the five minutes was up. I was so nervous when I finally looked at it. It said "Pregnant". I was so excited, but kinda too. I went in the livingroom to show Michael. I thought he would be happy,too, but he just started saying how I don't have a full time job, and how was we going to afford a baby, and now I can't buy stuff for me anymore. He said he was scared. I was so hurt for him saying all that. He still doesn't say too much about me being pregnant. I just hope when I go to see the Dr, he gets more excited.

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