wow..its been ages since I've written here..been lazy.
Its been and continues to be a bit of a rollercoaster. Mentally I'm okay..although frustration increases.
About 6y weeks in I had brown spotting that stopped after a week..i had no symptoms really...at about 11 weeks I started spotting again ths time it got worse...the dr and hospital kept elling me to ride it out as they couldn't do anything if I was miscarrying.
finally on April 1st.. an apt day the spotting was significant enough for me to just go to the hospital..I called them to say I was coming and whether I should go to them or a and e...they said to the early pregnancy unit..although they couldn't scan me.
anyway to cut a long story short...they did scan me and it turnd out I had a missed miscarriage..seems like my bean passed probably around the time of my first spotting.
I was sent home to let nature go its course...which I believed it had followed.
After a weekend of heavy bleeding and loosing clts and the foteus.
I bleed for 2 weeks after.
The hospital called me after 2 weeks and asked me to do a test the following Wednesday..which I did and it was still positive..I was asked to do another the next Wednesday and still it was positive so the nurse requested I went in that tuesday..yesterday..she had requested I went in sooner but due to the nature of my job it wasn't possible for me to do that at short notice.
So they asked me to do a test Monday morning and if it were negative I could cancel the appointment.
It was still positive yet really light..I very nearly cancelled it..but something stopped me..thank god!!
Had a scan yesterday and it turns out the sac is still very much there..as large as before and filled with blood.
i also have a 4cm cycst on my right ovary..but thats normal by all accounts..so nothing to worry about.
The hospital gave me a tablet to stop progesterone and to help the sac disattach from my uterus and i have to go in tomorrow to have 2 pessaries to open my cervix and to let the sac leave...my body has clung on and on to this non viable pregnancy and its so frustrating...once we are finally complete we have to wait 3 cycles...looks like I won't be in the game again til around September..I'll be 37 then..and I can't help but feel this year has been a total waste.
I'm not getting any younger and the risks are increasing.
I'm happy to know that I can get pregnant..but why oh why could this not have been resolved ages ago..if only the hospital had listened when I first bled..they may not have been able to stop the miscarriage..but they could have had the miscarriage over and done with by now surely...my body has been holding on for nearly 3 months!!!!
This should have finished ages ago!!!
I'm hoping that next time round I'll be monitored more.
Even M said after watching something in the States about the treatment they get compared to us...he said he guesses its because they have to pay whereas we are NHS..fair point..i wish I were american.
So thats it really...I'm stuck on the sofa because my tummy is tender where the sac is and every now and again I get cramps which are so painful.
Tomorrow is going to be worse...really not looking forward to 6 plus hours in hospital..I can only pray it works and I don't have to have surgery..I wish I had chosen help 5 weeks ago at least we would know what was happening now...arghhh!!!
Starting to worry that M and I will not have our own bean....he wouldn't adopt..so...i don't know...I'm feeling a tad negative...I'm sure it will be fine...but grrrr.
Again..its been yonks since i wrote.
A lot and nothing has been happening.
so I had the medical at the hospital..that was pretty yuk...after I had the pessaries it took about 5 hours until anything started other than cramps and shivers...was wrapped up in blankets and Ms coat which gave me a temperature so was being even closer monitored.
Bleeding was heavy but not miscarriage heavy and at about 5pm I had an internal and the nurse removed a small clot and sent me home to finish as the cervix was partially open.
Well..seems like it closed back up because the bleeding tappered out over the next day and I was STILL getting positive on the tests a week later..or there about...I called the hospital and they booked me in again for a scan on the Friday and that they book me in provisional for surgery on the monday.
When I got there I was told to pee on a stick..I did explain I was having a scan but the nurse said that I would just have a internal anyway..so I did and yup still positive.
Had an exturnal scan and apologised that I had emptied my bladder..the nurse was pushing hard..saying my eggs looked great and looked like I was ready to o..that I had a small cycst but that was normal and she would just do an internal as my cervix is tilted but so far it all looked great and I could start trying that night if I wanted...to say I was happy was an understatement..BUT!!... she did the internal and I saw the sac on the screen..it was lying across the top of my cervix...I didn't know whether to laugh at the situation or bawl.
So went outside..met with the nurse. She was asking what I wanted to do..whether I wanted to just wait..my god..how I kept my temper..through gritted teeth I told her that I had already been booked in for Monday to get rid of the sac ab=nd she asked me who had told me this and she doubted it were true and left to check...when she came back she asked me what was wrong and why I looked so cross...again how I didn't batter her I'll never know...she said then that I was right and I booked in on Mnday at 7am.
So after a long weekend I went in and finally completed the miscarriage.
Felt like I had 3 miscarriages in about 2 months...was awful..but thank god its over now...reckon I've had my quota of bad luck.
June M and I went away on hols...was great very relaxing and I got my first AF the day before we left..great..not!..lol
That was about 26 days after the surgery.
then I had a 26/27 day cycle..have gone to 27/28 days now...last month I was back on the monitor and got loads of lows..one high and straight into peak....this month well its been how it should be..had my first high on cd 10 and then had a peak yesterday and today..positive o tests yesterday and the day before...and M has been so on board this month...we haven't missed a day...and may even get one in tomorrow morning.
We have been lucky on the days its fallen as had yesterday and today off work as my old drinking pal got married yesterday so went up to him to see him tying the knot..and today was to recover from all the driving..we were so tired we both woke at 8am...M was late for work but still showed willing by being even more late for me...bless him.
So thats where we are at the mo...its the waiting game now.
Kept having dreams over the last couple of months that my best friend was pregnant too..she had been trying since her wedding in september..anyway..I called her last week and asked her and yes..shes just over 3 months..so happy for her..she must have found out as I found out I had lost my baby..poor girl must have felt awful..how do you share with your best friend when you know they have lost what you have just gained...she has told me to get a wiggle on so we can share at least some of our pregnancy..no pressure...lol
she'll make a great mum and her oh will make a great dad.
Thats really about it...work is good....dog is crazy but mine..lol..M is great..cat is spiteful...life is fab.
Now all we need is that successful pregnancy..and this month would be extra special as the babies due date would be around my mums birthday...considering my angel is probably with her now I think she owes me a new baby...lol..she has my first...she can damn well pull some strings with him upstairs to let me have my second.
Rugth..oh and my friend Christie on here has had her boy and I am sooooo happy for her...she and her hubby will be the best parents ever and their son will be a much loved and spoilt lad and will be the husband of the daughter I hope to have..I've married them off already...lool
So here I am again and all I seem to do is write negatives when I fill in my journal.
Well...so I got another BFP......was overjoyed...even had more symptoms than before...my boobs looked like I had bad silicon implants..they stayed up when I lay down...lol...felt knackered was peeing all the time...and farting like a trooper...M was wary as it happened so soon after the miscarriage between April and May..and he was right.
Within a week and after 5 positive tests and one digi saying pregnant 1 to 2 weeks the tests went negative.
Called the doctor and she said it seemed that it was a chemical and to wait it out...if I hadn't bled within the week or if I bled too much then to go and see her or my Dr.
I went to Tesco and started bleeding..my god once it started well..in 24 hours I used 11 pads!!!
Its just starting to slow now...and its gone from heavy to mediumish light...more brown this evening...so hoping its over soon.
Before I realised this wasn't going to happen I spoke to my doctor about having something to help maintain the pregnancy and he had decided that I really didn't need it...but if I miscarried this time then he would investigate rather than waiting for the 3 miscarriage rule...so I'll book an appointment next week and have a chat.
I'm guessing M and I will have to have all the tests again...M reckons hes fine as his last test said he was normal.
Well my tests said I was so fertile and all was fantastic..so what does that mean.
When I started bleeding I confess I sat in the garden and sparked up a cig..M came home and had a go at me...saying that I had done so well stopping and that its probably the cigs and my body needs to be uber healthy to try again..yes I agree but I also pointed out that he needed to stop smoking too as it affected sperm...he insisted tat he was fine due to the tests and that it was me that was more important..yes in a way..once concieved...yes...and obviously making my body a perfect habitat...but I had to point out that even though he was normal it was towards the lower end of normal and he did have abnormal sperm..and both losses were probably due to something being wrong with the egg and or sperm once they connected...got quite heated and I got very defensive as I felt he was saying it was all my fault...it was hard to get him to see my point of view..but finally he did..or said he did....so we have decided we are both quitting properly on Monday....for me no cutting down and then quitting when we are finally pregnant again...and him so sly fags in the garden at any point.
I have stocked up on replacements already.
I am nervous though as he gets into such a bad mood without cigs...and it stresses me out when hes getting moody..but we'll have to support each other..I know I cam do it...just need him to do it too.
We are going to start trying straight away...I'm hoping that this miscarriage has in a sense cleaned me out..and that maybe it was needed after all the bashing around my body had a few months ago...it wasn't a straight forward miscarriage...it dragged on and on and with the meds and then the d and C..getting pregnant so quickly was bound to end in tears.
Anyhow...thats enough misery...onwards and upwards...things can only get better.
Its my birthday in 12 days...and although I'm out of work at the moment..wasn't good enough...hmmmm...think it was more a case of them knowing we were trying for a baby and I didn't fit in with one branch who were too cool for school..plus one of them who is a bellend was going to be my manager and after hearing him slag me off behind my back I made no qualms about letting my feelings known.
Pkus sales isn't my thing...the idea of approaching every customer and trying to get them to buy a new product in the building society is not my thing..I hate it when people in banks question me over my accounts...i would prefer to go to them if I need anything...so pleased to be out of it.
And so pleased this happened when I wasn't working..that would have gone down well eh!!
So...thats it...I personally think this year has sucked eggs and I can't wait for 201o to be over!!
Bring on a new year!!!
Not too much of a break here for once.
Sp I have officially gone cold turkey on the cigs..not one has been near me in 8 days....did have sneakys the first week..but then I stopped..have even avoided going out in case I'm tempted..just for the time being...I'm sure M has cheated as hes not been too grumpy..and hes a very grumpy person when no nicotine.
Although another conversation yesterday had him on the defencive..I said that it was good that he hadn't smoked as it takes 90 days for a sperm to be made and thats how long to get rid of the cigerette sperm..but he insisted cigs don't affect his little men...so...guessing hes been sneaking..so if we fall again lets hope the little men are okay...because otherwise I'll chain him up..lol.
Been temping the last couple of weeks...has been nice...think I have a 6 month temping thing starting Monday..altough the woman hasn't called yet...will chase her up in a bit.
M has said that we will get engaged this year...whoop...so anytime in the next 3 months....he tried to change it to this decade when he realsied there were only 3 months of the year left but...whooppp....hes very scared of getting engaged...to him its more than having a baby...he petrified of getting engaged and married..although we were talking about it the day before my birthday and he said he was very nearly there..it won't be romantic or anything but it will happen..and now i have the time frame..very excited...at least its something to look forward too.
Saw my dad on sunday..was nice to see him..was a bit emotional..he ended up apologising for not saying goodbye when he left 20 years ago...was very strange..but was nice that he knew that hurt that he just went when i was in bed.
Also turns out my sister took £1500 from him and hasn't repaid it either...I feel bad that I feel so smug about it...I did express my shock that he lent her that after she had failed to repay my £8000..but it seems he had lent her it before I told him of her failure to pay..so within 5 months the girl had about £10000 of us both...I wonder who else she conned.
Dad is trying to maintain a relationship with her..apparently shes been asking about me..dad had to check that it was defeinately over between myself and her..and he he was never to give out my details or anything...last thing I need is a dysfunctional nasty thief in my life..I know full well she believes she is owed the money she has taken from us...shes not all there.
Dad and I are well aware she is jealous of me and that I had a childhood with dad whereas she didn't//she ran away as she hated my mum and started having babies very young and we didn't have room for her and 3 children and her 40 year old man...she was 14 when she got with him.
I know her life wasn't easy..but then she didn't help herself...and she ended up alienatinbg the one person who loved her unconditionally...hey ho..its safer to not be in contact wiith her and her family...physically safer...they are stereotypical chavs sadly.
We have decided to rehome Rocco..we can't control him and alhough hes very peaceful at the mo..he has shown me his teeth a lot recently when I am trying to stop him stealing or jumping up...butr its hard to find somewhere..need a really experienced Jack Russell owner or a farm..hes not a pet..well..not our pet..with the right owners he probably could be a great pet..sad..but we have to do it.
Going to meet my friend for lunch today which will be lovely.
Off for a long weekend next friday for another friends 40th..we're going on a boating weekend...can't wait.
As to the baby making...w2e got all the right moves in...my boobs are sore..nipples pricking and itchey...constipated..parping so badly.
Gums bleeding a bit..but that could be the ph balance changes due to no ciggerettes.
Ate some fish sticks earlier and felt sick...my arms are feeling tingley..which is something that happened in my first pregnancy.
But saying all that..I really doubt I am this month as we had the chemical...maybe next month.
Still haven't see the doctor..due to temping..I'll call them tomorrow..was going to do it today but the doctor I want to see doesn't to Wednesdays so I'll get an appoitment early tomorrow..and see what he says.
I am very very bloated..my stomach is so hard.
I do feel sad though...my bean would have been due in like 22 days if the first pregnancy had worked out and it is actually really hard to see big tummies..i counted at least 30 odd pregnant women while out the other day.
I really can't imagine myself getting fullterm and having our baby...but then never could imagine me getting bfp....hey ho..
Time will tell...one day
I feel so sorry for myself...highly emotional.
Had an old man over this morning to meet Rocco...he loved him..but he was so old and unstable on his feet it wouldn't have been safe to let him take rocco...he was almost begging his wife..asking for just a weekend...we would have been happy to do a trial..but the wife said no..and we do agree...Rocco just has to jump at him like he does and thats the old boy over with a broken hip.
Glad hes still with out..but its dragging the process out..everytime I look at the dog I cry..M feels rotten and has said that if I really feel bad then we can keep him..but M is right..its not fair on rocco or us...and I can't handle M yelling and stressing all the time....and we really couldn't keep him when we have a bean...I don't know..its so hard.
Then I keep thinking that I should be in the ready to pop any moment category...its so hard..its wonderful that all the October beans are joining the world, but I can't help but thin k that should be me too...and that just makes me cry too.
I'm an emotional wreck...giving up smoking could be assisting this melt down too..and being a week away from af and being in the not knowing bit of the month!.
Saw the doctor yesterday and he has booked me in for blood tests to check thyroid and stuff..thats where we are starting.
He said investigations don't normally start until after the third miscarriage because the 3rd pregnancy is normally successful..but he would do the investigations.
He asked if we were still trying or taking a break..said we were trying and he said good..he said the british medical journal have made new findings that a pregnancy within 6 months of a miscarriage has a better survival rate...and that waiting 3 months or more isn't the way to go..or words to that effect.
He also has offered me the blood test when I get pregnant to keep an eye on the betas...which I will be taking him up on..although I will not be testing early..I'm not getting excited again over a chemical...my doctor said that we call it and early abortion...yuk.
So anyway... I feel pants really... and dog is half on my lap half on the floor...so I best sign off...
Need to chill out a bit....
Had a great weekend with my friend and her friends...we were so lucky that we had good weather...didn't go too far on the boat as one couple could only stay until the next morning so we drove upto Yarmouth...had to turn the boat so we didn't morr against the tide....hmmm.....i'm not good at that...hahaha...neither are the boys...lol....got there finally.......then went and had dinner in the town....not too keen on yarmouth....but it was okay.
Drove back early in the morning...that was fine..and everyone one except the birthday girl me and one stayed...we went to a little pub and had dinner....then just girly chatted and fed the swans and such.
There were so many belly laughs it was fab!
Got home today and there was a letter from my doc to say that it looks as if I have an under active thyroid which is significant to our losses and to go and see him..so I've booked an appointment for Thursday...cd8..so will hopefully be sorted by the time I o.
So pleased I knid of know what the problem is...glad there is a problem and I'm not just drawing blank results because we can do something about it.
Think it also explains why I'm so tired all the time...also why I have aches and pains and all sorts and I always just thought age..lol..
Also explains why I have been such a miuserable cow of late..plus why I keep crying...so..there we go....bring it on!!!!
I know its premamture...but by god i hope this is the month I get my sticky bfp....would just be wonderful!!!!!!!!
So....saw the doctor and I'm on 25mg per day of levothyroxine...think I'm remembering right..box is upstairs by my bed...just so I remember to take it every morning on an empty tummy.
I go back on the Novemeber the 4th to see how much more I need..oh..and as I write that I realise that I will know if I have a BFP then so I can double up the appointment..whoop!!
Not sure if its the meds or the vit c I have been taking but I've had my own lube the last few days and we haven't needed preseed...no doubt we'll use it in the next couple of day as M will get bored of foreplay..LOL
Been having o pains the last couple of days too..so I know that egg is getting nice and ripe!
I am also fantasising about if I am preggers this month then I'll get my dating scan just before christmas..thats around the 12 weeks mark and I can give scans to everyone for Christmas...lol...keep thinking if I can keep it a secret from M too..but not sure that will be possible...hes not as stupid as I like to think he is...lol
Anyway...I should o the day after tomorrow..and can't wait!!....really hope this is our month...
Need to find work..the temping agency isn't forth coming and bull S me over a job...so I'll go job hunting today along with food shopping...going to do chicken, leek and potato soup make it chunky like stew..and I'm going to attempt home made bread too....wish me luck..
Anyway...thats about it for now...keep everything crossed for me this month please,
So I got my first peak today and a +opk....first time i've had a peak on day 13 I think...although still looks like i will o tomorrow on day 14.
My opk is in sync with my peak on the monitor whicich different to the last couple of months..have noticed I get a postive opk on day 13 and a high on the monitor and then a + on day 14 and a peak and then day 15 _ opk and peak..so this month it will all be the same...a sign...?
I don't know..not sure if my meds mess up the monitor and tests.
Have to say the digital opk messed up...maybe I didn't put it in properly or something...but it wouldn't come up and had a warning on it..so I just read the stick and it was totally blazing!!
Anyway..we're on track with the babymaking...half way through...just tomorrow and Thursday then its the wait....everything is crossed this month!
I've done everything I can do....so bring it on!!!
No cross hairs yet..I think I probably o'd on tuesday...we'll see.
Today is more about my angel baby.
Today would have been the due date.
Happy birthday angel!
Hope Granny is looking after you and your sibling..and that you are being good with your sibling too.
I never knew you, but will always love you.