When's MY turn?

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akpufa's picture
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When's MY turn?

I've thought about starting a TTC journal for a while, but could never think of what to put in it. Now that my 3rd TTC cycle is a bust, I think it's time.

I guess I should start by explaining what got me to where I am right now. DH & I got married in July of 2006; he was 23 & I was 19, almost 20. We'd dated for almost 3 years and knew it was the right decision despite being so young. We were the first of our close friends to get married, but now most of them are & two of them already have kids (both of which were "oops" babies). We had a few things delay our original plan to start TTC in December of 2007 (mainly a cruise booked this November), and ended up starting in June of this year. I stopped my BCPs in February, and now I wonder whether that was a good move or not since it seems many people get pg right off BCPs. :shrug: I guess I'll never know. I always assumed we wouldn't have an issue getting pg, but now reality has shown we aren't the lucky "first try" couple. I was hoping that we'd have a due date before summer (it gets HOT here!), but right now I'm looking at June at the soonest, so there goes that dream.

Anyway, today starts my 4th cycle and I feel so confused about why we aren't pg yet. I know 6+ months is average, but I'm so impacient. Plus I stopped BCPs in February, but had to wait until June for the cruise (because of the 24-week limit), so I feel like we've been trying forever even though we really haven't. And since my niece was born last month, I've been bombarded with the "when are you guys going to start your family" question. :roll: We decided not to tell anyone that we are TTC because DH's brother told everyone and they had to put up with 6 months of "any news yet?" from the whole family before they conceived. But it's almost just as hard to keep it a secret. I just hope this month is "different" although my hope is dying little by little each cycle. I know I'll be pregnant someday, but right now it feels like it won't ever happen. Well, here's to Cycle #4...may it bring me better luck! :clinkingbeer:

akpufa's picture
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I decided that I'm not going to temp this month. Last cycle my temps were sooo good up until 12DPO that I just knew I was pregnant despite the lack of any symptoms, and I think I'd be better off without that added stress. But I will use my OPKs to "assist" me just in case I O at a weird time this month. But I'm not expecting to until around CD 19.

DH's family has gotten really into triathlons this year, and the "big one" is in October. I did one in the spring with DH & didn't care for it much, but he has been begging me to do this one with him. I told him last month that if I didn't get pg last cycle I would do it. Well I didn't...so now I guess I have to do it. :rolleyes: I'm looking forward to trimming down just a bit (I run a lot already so I don't really have any "weight" to lose), but I'm afraid it'll kill my chances of conceiving the next 2 cycles. Oh well. DH has been doing them all year and I've wondered whether they have affected our not getting pg. If we conceive the first cycle that he stops (November), I'll be convinced. Either way, this should be an interesting month.

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It already feels weird not to temp. Every morning, I think I should do it really fast before I get out of bed & then remember it's in my bathroom drawer. But I think it was the right decision; I can't handle another cycle like last one, at least not right now. I'm almost already counting myself out this month because of the triathlon in the middle of October. AF will be due for next cycle about a week & a half before it, so it'll be awful timing to get preggo this cycle. Towards the end of last cycle, DH said he's going to knock me up this month :roll: He hasn't been very committed to TTC since we started, but I think he figured it would happen quick & easy. If I try to talk to him at all about it, he totally shuts down. I don't know why men can't talk about things. It drives me nuts. But I know he wants a baby; he is so cute when he plays with our friend's kids.

I feel like a 14 year old waiting to turn 16 to get my license, like there is nothing I can do it speed it up. *sigh* I always assumed I would stop BCPs and then just "let it happen", but then I found out about charting, OPKs, etc & I never knew it could be so "easy" to get pregnant...except it still isn't. I almost wish that I didn't have the internet sometimes & never would have learned about all of this. But at the same time, I'm glad to be informed. I just hope it happens sooner than later & that I'll be able to look back someday and say how fast it went by Wink

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Jeez...why do people think it's okay to ask whether you are pregnant or when you are planning on getting pregnant? I know there are a lot of peope *wishing* we would have a baby, but leave us alone! Seriously, I had multiple people ask me if I had "any news" yesterday. It made me want to cry. Sad I know that it'll happen, but people prodding me is making it a lot harder. Oh well...I guess people will always ask, so I need to just get over it. DH's family won't accept the answer "we're not preventing it" - they keep asking him, "So does that mean you are trying?". Duh. :roll:

I think AF is gone, so here's to hoping I don't see her again for a while! :clinkingbeer: As in 9 months! LOL! Seriously though, I already don't think this month will be the one. I know that is a bad attitude, but with all the triathlon training between DH & I, I can't see it happening. Maybe we'll get lucky, but I'm trying to think of this cycle as my "month off". Only 14 days (give or take a day or 2) until I O. :woohoo:

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Full on baby fever is back in action. Last night we had dinner with DH's fam & I got to hold my baby niece for a while...I seriously wanted to steal her Wink I wish we could just get preggo and give her a cousin close in age that she could play with because she has zero cousins right now & we are the only ones close to giving her one. *sigh* I just wish this was easier. I was reading a thread on a birth board where girls were telling how long it took for them to get their BFPs, and seriously, most of them said "we weren't trying" or "first try". WTF?! I am really happy for people that have that happen for them so quickly, but I am also really jealous that they don't have to go through the months of waiting & wondering if something is wrong. One of our close friends wants to have kids really badly, but her DH isn't ready at all. But she keeps trying to convince him, and I feel like an awful person, but part of me wants him to tell her no so I can "beat" them & get preggo first. We've been married a year longer than they have...shouldn't we get ours first?! :oops: OK...that is awfully selfish, & truly I hope they get a baby on their first try & everything is perfect and great, but I can't help but whine a little. It's hard having two friends with great kids that were "surprises" and everyone is happy and naive to the hardships of TTC. I know we haven't been trying that long, so I shouldn't complain at all, but I just didn't think it would be like this. But I've decided that we have to wait for a reason - when I look at my little niece who is just perfect, I think of how different she could have been if my BIL & SIL hadn't taken 6 months to conceive...she's be a whole different baby, so maybe it just takes a while to get the "right" baby in there. :shrug: Or maybe that is total BS. Either way, I'm sticking to my reasoning for now because that is all I have! :bigwink:

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We spent the weekend out of town and it was nice to "get away" from the TTC for a while. But I had 2 people ask when we were going to have kids on the trip. :roll: Probably not in 9 months because DH is going to be gone 2 days before & the day of O if I O when I normally do. Sad I guess this month is slim-to-none. Oh well. I'm bummed mainly because I'm already seeing an GEDD of early summer & it gets soooo hot here. Another month or two & I'm going to be huge all summer. It'll be worth it, but that is really the worst time of the year to be due.

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I decided last cycle to start OPKs really early to try to catch my LH surge since I'd failed on my other OPK attempt a few months earlier. Anyway...I thought I'd share my OPK progression:














If it isn't obvious, I did 3 on CD18 at different times of the day. They are just ICs from amazon, but they seemed to work pretty well! FF said I O'ed on CD19 BTW.

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DH had to leave town for the rest of my fertile period. Sigh. My temp went up today, so just maybe I already O'ed, but I haven't been temping much this cycle as a source of sanity, so it could be misleading. Plus I haven't gotten a fully + OPK although I've had some that were very close. Anyway...I'm bummed, but I knew this was coming, so I just need to suck it up and be over it.

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I did a stupid thing & temped twice today. The first one was when I first woke up & it was 97.3, but I didn't see that until later because it was dark. When I woke up for good 2 hours later, I saw that # and thought about how lazily I'd temped (like mouth open, half asleep lol), so I did it again & got 97.8. :shrug: Anyway...not very informative since I got another + OPK today. I don't know what the deal is this month...I think I'm just going to ignore it and wait for AF to show.

ETA: This afternoon I finally got some EWCM. Man...I wish DH could BD over the phone Wink He seriously is gone over the 2 worst days possible. This is the 2nd month of 4 TTC that he's been out of town over O...the only two times he's had to leave town for work in fact. :roll: Why do I have such awful luck!? OPKs are still + this afternoon

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I told myself I wouldn't get obsessive this month because of my very slim chances, but I find myself looking through charts to find out examples of girls with similar instances where they get BFPs. I'm unsure of my O day exactly, so I just guessed so I can have a DPO count on my chart Wink I'm going to try to keep it chill for the next week and not stress over every little thing. From approx. 8-10 DPO I'll be out of town, so that'll be great to keep me from testing LOL! I want to wait for AF, but I'm pretty sure I'll cave before then. :oops: I just know myself better than that! Anyway...I feel like I'm getting way too excited over nothing. :rolleyes:

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I was afraid this would happen, but I'm starting to feel optimistic about this cycle. I guess that is better than the alternative and being negative. But I have a feeling I'm setting myself up for failure once again. Sad At least I can enjoy every little twinge and sick feeling for another week! Wink

I have been so tired the last two days. I'm not sleeping well, so that may have something to do with it, but I have never felt so exhausted in the middle of the day. I'm actually drinking a huge coffee today trying to wake up :oops: I should probably steer clear of the caffeine, but I also can't fall asleep at work!! So I have to go with the coffee for now. :coffee:

I was trying to imagine what it'll be like to have a baby of our own while I was laying in bed last night, and I seriously can't even imagine it. Maybe that's a bad sign, or maybe my brain knows that I can't even comprehend what it'll be like. I've never wanted anything so badly in my life. I hope we get our wish soon.

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Chalk up night three of not sleeping well. I'm seriously so hot that I can't sleep (usually I'm always too cold). Our a/c has been acting up, so I'm blaming it on actually being hot & not that I'm heating from the inside! Have had slightly sore BBs (and one sore nip?) but it could be from all the bouncing that they have endured with my running lately! I've actually had way less cramping than I normally get post-O...good sign or bad sign, who knows! Oh and I think I had a dream that we had a baby last night, but it was really vague when I woke up (as most of my dreams are, especially when I'm not sleeping well). At least I'm in the beginning of the "fun part" of the 2ww where symptoms can be "possible" signs rather than all in my head Wink

On a totally seperate note, I got my 4th pencil yesterday Yahoo Obviously, I spend way too much time on here!

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I seriously can't believe it's already October. It's my favorite month though so I'm happy Smile Not only is there Halloween, but also my birthday! Hopefully a BFP too Wink

After a weekend of symptoms, I tested this morning on a $ store test. Pretty definate BFN. But I just couldn't believe it....so I took my last internet cheapie and used SMU. A 2nd line showed up :eek: but its really faint and skinny. I don't know if I believe it or if I just got a crappy evap line. It's too weird to call it a BFP. You never know with those internet cheapies. So I'm back to square one. I've had quite a few symptoms like itchy/painful nips, somewhat sore BBs (odd for me), headaches, nausea after eating, pinching in lower abdomen, fatigue.... I could think of a million more. I'll be really let down this cycle if this isn't it. Tomorrow morning I'll do a digi to find out! Exciting & scary!!

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This cycle is enough to drive a sane person mad. Tested with FMU this morning with a FRER and got another BFN. Nips still hurt, still getting pinching in uterus, woke up with a headache, breakfast made me nauseous....I don't get it. So of course I did a search to see how often women get false negatives at 12DPO & it said half :eek: I don't know though...it seems like everyone on pg.org gets their BFPs around 10DPO. :shrug: I am just so frustrated!! I want to just lay on the couch and cry, but I have too much to do. AF should be here today sometime...if she is coming, she better not play any tricks on me & be late. :mad: I really need to know whether or not I'm pg because I have a triathlon in 10 days that I need to be working my butt off for if I'm not. *sigh* Well...my nips are burning again. What does that mean? Maybe the FRER just hated me. I could have sworn I had a line on both the $ store test & the IC yesterday. The dollar store is right up the street from my house...maybe I'll go pick up some more tests if AF doesn't show. They probably think I'm a freak! Wink

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The witch showed. She sucks. I'm devastated.

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I think I just needed some time to unwind after the failure of last cycle, but I feel a lot better now. I have a couple of fun things to look forward to in the next couple of weeks, so that is helping me keep my mind off TTC. For the first 2 days of AF, I just kept thinking over and over "what's wrong with me?" Seeing how I'm taking each failed month harder & harder, I've decided to take a step back and just "let it happen" for the next few months. We have a couple big trips and things planned in the upcoming months & I don't want to ruin them by being so concerned about getting pregnant. Of course, I'd love for my body to just "work" and get preggo without all the effort, but at least the "time off" will give me a little breathing room. And just maybe I'll get a surprise! Wink Hopefully it'll help me be able to remain calm when people ask when we're going to have kids knowing that we are JLIH because right now I want to cry every time it's brought up. People just don't realize how hard it can be. Maybe we just had our fertility sucked dry by our overly fertile friends who can seem to pop out kids by just walking into the baby section of Target. I guarantee none of them have PIAC and done a million OPKs and HPTs and stressed during the 2ww that every little thing they did could cause a m/c if just maybe they had conceived. Nope...not them. They just say, "I think I'll get pregnant today" and it happens. :rolleyes: Maybe someday I'll be able to look back on all of this and laugh at how ridiculous it all was. Or maybe I'll realize this is one of the battles I was meant to fight. I just hope it's a battle I'll win in the end.

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I'm feeling pretty positive on the TTC front...I swear the not temping and keeping track of my cycle has been more medicinal than anything else. I still have a good idea of when I'll O, but at least I won't know for sure. I have a good vibe about the whole situation right now for some reason. I just ordered some preseed yesterday...I'm really excited for that to come and try it out.

I know this is way TMI, but I had a weird thing "pass through" today...it was like a dried out blood clot :shrug: I have no idea what it was!! Kinda freaked me out! :eek: I'm sure it's nothing...AF has only been gone 2 days, so could just be leftovers (yuck! lol).

Anyway, things are going good right now, but its still early in my cycle, so that could change :rolleyes:

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Yesterday I went through all of my past journal entries & took my siggy off to save space, so all of the edit dates show yesterday. :shrug: Oh well.

I still feel pretty relaxed about this cycle not constantly counting down days to O. I was reading some stories online where a few girls' charts were showing they were O'ing a week later than they actually were...this probably isn't the case with me, but I found it interesting. Maybe I'll catch an eggy "just by luck" this cycle. Maybe not. I don't know. But if I don't get preggo this cycle, next cycle I'm going to take it easy as far as BD'ing because a baby next cycle would put my due date right around my niece's first birthday. Since she's the only grandchild on DH's side of the family, it would be nice not to have our first baby around the same time. DH thinks that it's stupid for me to care, but I don't want to hear about how November must be a "lucky month" for our family or something :rolleyes: I know I shouldn't care, but it would bother me. But if that was the only month I can have our baby, I'll still take it. It just isn't my month of choice. But I can't imagine getting pregnant anytime soon. It just doesn't feel like it's in the cards for us right now. I hope it is though! I can't imagine the excitement of a BFP right now...wow. Anyway...we have our big race this weekend :eek: I bet my body will be happy that the excessive exercising is over! Maybe, just maybe, my O day will move up a little. OK..maybe not, but a girl can dream, right? Not O'ing until CD19 sure makes each cycle LOOOOONG! I can't imagine having to wait any longer.

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My pre-seed came in the mail on Friday as we were going out of town. I'm so excited to try it. I figure worse case scenario, it can't hurt anything, ya know? I hope that it helps me get that coveted BFP! I do have to say though, not charting has really decreased my stress level & overall irritability about TTC. I had a friend over the weekend tell me how easy it is to get pregnant once you stop BCPs if you have regular cycles (which I have) and I think last month I would have punched her in the face Lol OK not really, but I was just like "oh really" because she doesn't know we are TTC. This weekend actually could have been a trainwreck since there were people together who both knew & didn't know we are TTC and those who don't know don't because we don't want them to, so like I said, it could have been a disaster. But luckily, everyone kept their mouths shut & I am really thankful for that. We are going to be out of town together over when I think I'll O (this weekend), so that'll be nice since we'll have plenty of BD'ing time Wink Usually DH is so tired from work that it's like pulling teeth some night ROFL That is definately something I never thought would be an issue, but for some reason, he doesn't like that we have to do it at certain times. So this weekend should at least be less stressful for him.

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I've been so busy at work this week that I haven't had a chance to post much. The good part is that I'm somewhere in the beginning of the 2ww (approx 4-5DPO) & am so overwhelmed with other things to think about it much. I just feel like I'm on any other cycle. *sigh* That probably isn't a good sign, but oh well. I'm so over stressing about TTC. It is taking too much of my energy and time. It'll happen when it's meant to happen. But I'm definately doing a good job at not concentrating on every little thing so far this 2ww. I've had every pregnancy symptom known to man at this point, so why bother. The only weird thing I've noticed is the last few days my cervix has been angled sort of to the left. It almost feels diagonal instead of straight down. It's really weird. But I'm not chalking it up to anything other than just oddness. Anyway...hopefully I'll get that much wanted BFP in about a week, but I'm not betting on it. Sad

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Happy Halloween! :witch: Hopefully I don't see another witch after today for a while if ya know what I mean Wink I did an OPK yesterday (gotta kick the POAS urge somehow) & got a pretty dark test line (not quite positive, but was close). I've since done 2 more with similar results. IDK what that means, but it is the only strain of hope I have. But I think that if we had conceived this cycle, I still would be waiting for implantation, so the OPK thing makes no sense with whether or not we were successful. I must just have out of whack hormones...great. I wanted to wait for AF to show this cycle, but I don't know if I can resist using the 2 cheapies that came with the pre-seed. Maybe I'll test next Wednesday @ 11DPO. I want to say that if it's a BFN, I won't test again unless AF doesn't show, but I don't know if I can hold to that. We'll see. I noticed I have some vericose veins on my outer thighs :eek: I have NEVER had those before...WTH?! If I'm preggo, I'll get over it, but otherwise, I'm PO'ed!

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I would pay money to be naive again. DH was talking to his friend's wife over the weekend & somehow them having another kid came up (they have a toddler). I guess she told DH that she was "going to get pregnant next June". I would never wish TTC struggles upon anyone, but jeez!! Their first was an "oops" so who knows if it'll happen that quick for them again. Our other friends who had an "oops" conceived on their first cycle trying for #2, so go figure. The rest of us have to miserably wait for weeks to O and then 2 more weeks to find out whether it worked, only to discover it didn't & start all over again. Anyway...we'll see what happens. Rant over.

I'm 9DPO today I think. Nothing too exciting to report. I had weird pinching cramps Saturday & Sunday, but I think I've had those before although these were very strong. Also a little heartburn/indigestion, left nip issues (like last cycle), and very veiny all over. But really, that's it. I haven't had sore boobs, although occasionally they'll get a heavy, achy feeling that lasts for a few seconds then disappears. Also, I'm pretty absentminded today, but I think that is just me on a Monday (lol). This morning I had some pretty heavy cramping for a few minutes, then it went away. I had that last cycle too, so I'm thinking that was a bad sign. The only thing that got me really excited was last night I had this sudden metallic taste in my mouth. I think it was just the water that I was drinking, but my heart totally skipped a beat and then 10 minutes later I rolled my eyes at myself for getting so excited about it Wink Hopefully this will be IT, but I just can't see that happening.

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I caved this morning and tested. BFN. Considering that I'm only 10 DPO (or maybe even 9), it's still really early, but I couldn't believe it. Last night, my boobs starting getting these intense achy pains which I've never had before. I never have boob issues before AF. Then I had that mysterious metallic taste in my mouth again. I don't know. I'm stumped. Once again, I am getting drawn into expecting a BFP when maybe I should be expecting AF instead. Sad I still just can't believe I got a BFN. I hope today was really 9 DPO...for some reason I feel better about it that way.

ETA: I just had to come on and comment...I suddenly got this overwhelming feeling of exhaustion followed by a headache the makes my eyes feel like they might pop from my skull due to the pressure. :confused: And I also noticed new veins on my nips (yes I checked them at work...lol). If this isn't IT...AF is being awfully cruel!

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I'm really proud of myself for not testing this morning. It definately helps not having cheapies in the house because I have a hard time peeing on a $10 stick. Wink But I've really had a lack of symptoms today which I had last cycle around this time too, so I'm nervous. Maybe I misread my body's signals again. I just can't imagine in my mind not getting AF in the next 2 days, but I also can't imagine these symptoms meaning nothing. My mom has really severe endo & I've always wondered if I do as well, so maybe I'll look into that if this cycle is a bust. I was also thinking the other day about how my gyno told me that my uterus bent outward (like towards my belly button) the first time I went to her. Maybe that is making it harder for us too :?: Who knows. I just hope to be able to look back on all of this someday & think about how it really wasn't that long of a wait for waht you get out of it. Smile I guess I should at least comment on my weird vein issues today - one nip has the normal thick blue veins, but the other has these really thin purple ones. Maybe they've always been there & I haven't noticed. At least if I'm not preggo, I can look back & remember that they were here this 2ww. OH and I've been having random stabbing pains all over my body, kind of like really fast cramps. Weird.

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Well I tested this morning with a dollar store test & BFN. Sad I've decided after looking at this month versus previous months that I am probably more like 11 DPO, but I still think that if I was going to get a BFP, I'd have it by now. I'm really disappointed since my weird symptoms continue. If AF hasn't shown by Saturday, I'll test again. Otherwise, I'm just waiting for her to show her awful face. :mad:

ETA: I don't know if I've mentioned my weird dreams the last few nights, but they've been really vivid & crazy. Now I'm really tired at work & I'm wondering if I'm getting crappy sleep with all the dreams (I usually don't dream like this). Another add...this afternoon I suddenly felt really hot "down there" :oops: I don't know what that means. My CP was soft & sort of open earlier, but it's closed tight now & I have like zero CM. :shrug: I think the witch is around the corner.

ETA 4pm: I am so over this stupid cycle. I came home and did another $ store test and saw a "maybe" (right...) so I used an FRER and definately negative. I hate TTC. I just wish stupid AF would show already so I could be put out of my misery. This is brutal...I don't know why my boobs have all the sudden started hurting as an AF sign, but I guess they have. Or something else is wrong. GRR!!!!!! :mad: I'm so upset right now I could just die.

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Well the witch showed right "on time". I must admit that when I got off work yesterday, I took the last 2 HPTs I have (other than one digi) and when both were BFN, I totally broke down. At that point, I knew it was over. Sad But when the witch showed, I welcomed her not prolonging it any longer so I can move on to a new cycle. I wonder if I'll ever be able to get pregnant on my own. I just hope that if we do need help, we'll find out sooner rather than later. I'm having the WORST cramps of my life today :mad: I've always gotten really bad cramps, which is why I went on BCPs so young. Well...every month that I've been off them, they seem to get worse & worse. I wonder if I really do have endo like my mom...I've read it does have a genetic component. I need to get my yearly done anyway, I should talk to my doc about that too. Anyway...off to cycle #6 :confused:

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Still WTO here... :Whistle: It hasn't been a bad week & a half since AF showed. Actually has been pretty mellow. I have just let go of the whole actively TTC thing & am seriously leaning towards the JLIH thing. The stress was too much. This month will be a good transition to JLIH too because I'm not too keen on having an August baby so I'm not going to be pushing DH as much this time around to make sure we BD at the "right" times. I would love a September or October baby though Smile So basically, I have no expectations of this month & that is really helping things along. The only thing that brings me down is the thought that I might have a long road ahead of me. There are a few birth boards that I lurk on where the LOs are getting to be toddlers, and sometimes that gets me a little down seeing them enjoy their babies. But then I remind myself some of them faced a struggle to get those kiddos, so I should be happy for them of achieving their dreams of being moms. Still though...I hope it isn't too far away for us. Please say I still won't be doing this same thing a year from now wondering if it's ever going to happen.

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Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 3078

I thought the journals got deleted when they changed pg.org in November. I have tried to come back a few times with no luck, but thankfully found it today. I am glad to update that I am 12 weeks preggo!! We ended up finally "catching an eggy" on our cruise (yeah...the one we originally waiting to TTC for so I wouldn't be too far along to go :roll:). I said a million times that August was basically the worst month we could be due, and here we are, due August 12th. I got my first BFP on December 4th @ 10DPO. I used a cheap one from Target and read online that they give false +s so I didn't get that excited about it until I did a FRER with a BFP and a digital with a BFP that night. I couldn't believe it (and still can't sometimes). Cycle #6 was finally the one that did it for us once I just quit worrying about it. I don't necessarily think that was was "did it" but it definately helped. Off I go to start a preggo journal. Best of luck to all of those TTC. It only took us 6 months, but it felt like years at the time. It's hard to struggle & wonder while people ask when you are going to start your family. But if you really want kids...someday, somehow, it will work out.

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