When's MY turn?

I was afraid this would happen, but I'm starting to feel optimistic about this cycle. I guess that is better than the alternative and being negative. But I have a feeling I'm setting myself up for failure once again. :( At least I can enjoy every little twinge and sick feeling for another week! ;)

I have been so tired the last two days. I'm not sleeping well, so that may have something to do with it, but I have never felt so exhausted in the middle of the day. I'm actually drinking a huge coffee today trying to wake up :oops: I should probably steer clear of the caffeine, but I also can't fall asleep at work!! So I have to go with the coffee for now. :coffee:

I was trying to imagine what it'll be like to have a baby of our own while I was laying in bed last night, and I seriously can't even imagine it. Maybe that's a bad sign, or maybe my brain knows that I can't even comprehend what it'll be like. I've never wanted anything so badly in my life. I hope we get our wish soon.

Chalk up night three of not sleeping well. I'm seriously so hot that I can't sleep (usually I'm always too cold). Our a/c has been acting up, so I'm blaming it on actually being hot & not that I'm heating from the inside! Have had slightly sore BBs (and one sore nip?) but it could be from all the bouncing that they have endured with my running lately! I've actually had way less cramping than I normally get post-O...good sign or bad sign, who knows! Oh and I think I had a dream that we had a baby last night, but it was really vague when I woke up (as most of my dreams are, especially when I'm not sleeping well). At least I'm in the beginning of the "fun part" of the 2ww where symptoms can be "possible" signs rather than all in my head ;)

On a totally seperate note, I got my 4th pencil yesterday :yahoo: Obviously, I spend way too much time on here!

I seriously can't believe it's already October. It's my favorite month though so I'm happy :) Not only is there Halloween, but also my birthday! Hopefully a BFP too ;)

After a weekend of symptoms, I tested this morning on a $ store test. Pretty definate BFN. But I just couldn't believe it....so I took my last internet cheapie and used SMU. A 2nd line showed up :eek: but its really faint and skinny. I don't know if I believe it or if I just got a crappy evap line. It's too weird to call it a BFP. You never know with those internet cheapies. So I'm back to square one. I've had quite a few symptoms like itchy/painful nips, somewhat sore BBs (odd for me), headaches, nausea after eating, pinching in lower abdomen, fatigue.... I could think of a million more. I'll be really let down this cycle if this isn't it. Tomorrow morning I'll do a digi to find out! Exciting & scary!!

This cycle is enough to drive a sane person mad. Tested with FMU this morning with a FRER and got another BFN. Nips still hurt, still getting pinching in uterus, woke up with a headache, breakfast made me nauseous....I don't get it. So of course I did a search to see how often women get false negatives at 12DPO & it said half :eek: I don't know though...it seems like everyone on pg.org gets their BFPs around 10DPO. :shrug: I am just so frustrated!! I want to just lay on the couch and cry, but I have too much to do. AF should be here today sometime...if she is coming, she better not play any tricks on me & be late. :mad: I really need to know whether or not I'm pg because I have a triathlon in 10 days that I need to be working my butt off for if I'm not. *sigh* Well...my nips are burning again. What does that mean? Maybe the FRER just hated me. I could have sworn I had a line on both the $ store test & the IC yesterday. The dollar store is right up the street from my house...maybe I'll go pick up some more tests if AF doesn't show. They probably think I'm a freak! ;)

The witch showed. She sucks. I'm devastated.

I think I just needed some time to unwind after the failure of last cycle, but I feel a lot better now. I have a couple of fun things to look forward to in the next couple of weeks, so that is helping me keep my mind off TTC. For the first 2 days of AF, I just kept thinking over and over "what's wrong with me?" Seeing how I'm taking each failed month harder & harder, I've decided to take a step back and just "let it happen" for the next few months. We have a couple big trips and things planned in the upcoming months & I don't want to ruin them by being so concerned about getting pregnant. Of course, I'd love for my body to just "work" and get preggo without all the effort, but at least the "time off" will give me a little breathing room. And just maybe I'll get a surprise! ;) Hopefully it'll help me be able to remain calm when people ask when we're going to have kids knowing that we are JLIH because right now I want to cry every time it's brought up. People just don't realize how hard it can be. Maybe we just had our fertility sucked dry by our overly fertile friends who can seem to pop out kids by just walking into the baby section of Target. I guarantee none of them have PIAC and done a million OPKs and HPTs and stressed during the 2ww that every little thing they did could cause a m/c if just maybe they had conceived. Nope...not them. They just say, "I think I'll get pregnant today" and it happens. :rolleyes: Maybe someday I'll be able to look back on all of this and laugh at how ridiculous it all was. Or maybe I'll realize this is one of the battles I was meant to fight. I just hope it's a battle I'll win in the end.

I'm feeling pretty positive on the TTC front...I swear the not temping and keeping track of my cycle has been more medicinal than anything else. I still have a good idea of when I'll O, but at least I won't know for sure. I have a good vibe about the whole situation right now for some reason. I just ordered some preseed yesterday...I'm really excited for that to come and try it out.

I know this is way TMI, but I had a weird thing "pass through" today...it was like a dried out blood clot :shrug: I have no idea what it was!! Kinda freaked me out! :eek: I'm sure it's nothing...AF has only been gone 2 days, so could just be leftovers (yuck! lol).

Anyway, things are going good right now, but its still early in my cycle, so that could change :rolleyes:

Yesterday I went through all of my past journal entries & took my siggy off to save space, so all of the edit dates show yesterday. :shrug: Oh well.

I still feel pretty relaxed about this cycle not constantly counting down days to O. I was reading some stories online where a few girls' charts were showing they were O'ing a week later than they actually were...this probably isn't the case with me, but I found it interesting. Maybe I'll catch an eggy "just by luck" this cycle. Maybe not. I don't know. But if I don't get preggo this cycle, next cycle I'm going to take it easy as far as BD'ing because a baby next cycle would put my due date right around my niece's first birthday. Since she's the only grandchild on DH's side of the family, it would be nice not to have our first baby around the same time. DH thinks that it's stupid for me to care, but I don't want to hear about how November must be a "lucky month" for our family or something :rolleyes: I know I shouldn't care, but it would bother me. But if that was the only month I can have our baby, I'll still take it. It just isn't my month of choice. But I can't imagine getting pregnant anytime soon. It just doesn't feel like it's in the cards for us right now. I hope it is though! I can't imagine the excitement of a BFP right now...wow. Anyway...we have our big race this weekend :eek: I bet my body will be happy that the excessive exercising is over! Maybe, just maybe, my O day will move up a little. OK..maybe not, but a girl can dream, right? Not O'ing until CD19 sure makes each cycle LOOOOONG! I can't imagine having to wait any longer.

My pre-seed came in the mail on Friday as we were going out of town. I'm so excited to try it. I figure worse case scenario, it can't hurt anything, ya know? I hope that it helps me get that coveted BFP! I do have to say though, not charting has really decreased my stress level & overall irritability about TTC. I had a friend over the weekend tell me how easy it is to get pregnant once you stop BCPs if you have regular cycles (which I have) and I think last month I would have punched her in the face :lol: OK not really, but I was just like "oh really" because she doesn't know we are TTC. This weekend actually could have been a trainwreck since there were people together who both knew & didn't know we are TTC and those who don't know don't because we don't want them to, so like I said, it could have been a disaster. But luckily, everyone kept their mouths shut & I am really thankful for that. We are going to be out of town together over when I think I'll O (this weekend), so that'll be nice since we'll have plenty of BD'ing time ;) Usually DH is so tired from work that it's like pulling teeth some night :ROFL: That is definately something I never thought would be an issue, but for some reason, he doesn't like that we have to do it at certain times. So this weekend should at least be less stressful for him.

I've been so busy at work this week that I haven't had a chance to post much. The good part is that I'm somewhere in the beginning of the 2ww (approx 4-5DPO) & am so overwhelmed with other things to think about it much. I just feel like I'm on any other cycle. *sigh* That probably isn't a good sign, but oh well. I'm so over stressing about TTC. It is taking too much of my energy and time. It'll happen when it's meant to happen. But I'm definately doing a good job at not concentrating on every little thing so far this 2ww. I've had every pregnancy symptom known to man at this point, so why bother. The only weird thing I've noticed is the last few days my cervix has been angled sort of to the left. It almost feels diagonal instead of straight down. It's really weird. But I'm not chalking it up to anything other than just oddness. Anyway...hopefully I'll get that much wanted BFP in about a week, but I'm not betting on it. :(