I've thought about starting a TTC journal for a while, but could never think of what to put in it. Now that my 3rd TTC cycle is a bust, I think it's time.
I guess I should start by explaining what got me to where I am right now. DH & I got married in July of 2006; he was 23 & I was 19, almost 20. We'd dated for almost 3 years and knew it was the right decision despite being so young. We were the first of our close friends to get married, but now most of them are & two of them already have kids (both of which were "oops" babies). We had a few things delay our original plan to start TTC in December of 2007 (mainly a cruise booked this November), and ended up starting in June of this year. I stopped my BCPs in February, and now I wonder whether that was a good move or not since it seems many people get pg right off BCPs. I guess I'll never know. I always assumed we wouldn't have an issue getting pg, but now reality has shown we aren't the lucky "first try" couple. I was hoping that we'd have a due date before summer (it gets HOT here!), but right now I'm looking at June at the soonest, so there goes that dream.
Anyway, today starts my 4th cycle and I feel so confused about why we aren't pg yet. I know 6+ months is average, but I'm so impacient. Plus I stopped BCPs in February, but had to wait until June for the cruise (because of the 24-week limit), so I feel like we've been trying forever even though we really haven't. And since my niece was born last month, I've been bombarded with the "when are you guys going to start your family" question. We decided not to tell anyone that we are TTC because DH's brother told everyone and they had to put up with 6 months of "any news yet?" from the whole family before they conceived. But it's almost just as hard to keep it a secret. I just hope this month is "different" although my hope is dying little by little each cycle. I know I'll be pregnant someday, but right now it feels like it won't ever happen. Well, here's to Cycle #4...may it bring me better luck!
I decided that I'm not going to temp this month. Last cycle my temps were sooo good up until 12DPO that I just knew I was pregnant despite the lack of any symptoms, and I think I'd be better off without that added stress. But I will use my OPKs to "assist" me just in case I O at a weird time this month. But I'm not expecting to until around CD 19.
DH's family has gotten really into triathlons this year, and the "big one" is in October. I did one in the spring with DH & didn't care for it much, but he has been begging me to do this one with him. I told him last month that if I didn't get pg last cycle I would do it. Well I didn't...so now I guess I have to do it. I'm looking forward to trimming down just a bit (I run a lot already so I don't really have any "weight" to lose), but I'm afraid it'll kill my chances of conceiving the next 2 cycles. Oh well. DH has been doing them all year and I've wondered whether they have affected our not getting pg. If we conceive the first cycle that he stops (November), I'll be convinced. Either way, this should be an interesting month.
It already feels weird not to temp. Every morning, I think I should do it really fast before I get out of bed & then remember it's in my bathroom drawer. But I think it was the right decision; I can't handle another cycle like last one, at least not right now. I'm almost already counting myself out this month because of the triathlon in the middle of October. AF will be due for next cycle about a week & a half before it, so it'll be awful timing to get preggo this cycle. Towards the end of last cycle, DH said he's going to knock me up this month He hasn't been very committed to TTC since we started, but I think he figured it would happen quick & easy. If I try to talk to him at all about it, he totally shuts down. I don't know why men can't talk about things. It drives me nuts. But I know he wants a baby; he is so cute when he plays with our friend's kids.
I feel like a 14 year old waiting to turn 16 to get my license, like there is nothing I can do it speed it up. *sigh* I always assumed I would stop BCPs and then just "let it happen", but then I found out about charting, OPKs, etc & I never knew it could be so "easy" to get pregnant...except it still isn't. I almost wish that I didn't have the internet sometimes & never would have learned about all of this. But at the same time, I'm glad to be informed. I just hope it happens sooner than later & that I'll be able to look back someday and say how fast it went by
Jeez...why do people think it's okay to ask whether you are pregnant or when you are planning on getting pregnant? I know there are a lot of peope *wishing* we would have a baby, but leave us alone! Seriously, I had multiple people ask me if I had "any news" yesterday. It made me want to cry. I know that it'll happen, but people prodding me is making it a lot harder. Oh well...I guess people will always ask, so I need to just get over it. DH's family won't accept the answer "we're not preventing it" - they keep asking him, "So does that mean you are trying?". Duh.
I think AF is gone, so here's to hoping I don't see her again for a while! As in 9 months! LOL! Seriously though, I already don't think this month will be the one. I know that is a bad attitude, but with all the triathlon training between DH & I, I can't see it happening. Maybe we'll get lucky, but I'm trying to think of this cycle as my "month off". Only 14 days (give or take a day or 2) until I O.
Full on baby fever is back in action. Last night we had dinner with DH's fam & I got to hold my baby niece for a while...I seriously wanted to steal her I wish we could just get preggo and give her a cousin close in age that she could play with because she has zero cousins right now & we are the only ones close to giving her one. *sigh* I just wish this was easier. I was reading a thread on a birth board where girls were telling how long it took for them to get their BFPs, and seriously, most of them said "we weren't trying" or "first try". WTF?! I am really happy for people that have that happen for them so quickly, but I am also really jealous that they don't have to go through the months of waiting & wondering if something is wrong. One of our close friends wants to have kids really badly, but her DH isn't ready at all. But she keeps trying to convince him, and I feel like an awful person, but part of me wants him to tell her no so I can "beat" them & get preggo first. We've been married a year longer than they have...shouldn't we get ours first?! OK...that is awfully selfish, & truly I hope they get a baby on their first try & everything is perfect and great, but I can't help but whine a little. It's hard having two friends with great kids that were "surprises" and everyone is happy and naive to the hardships of TTC. I know we haven't been trying that long, so I shouldn't complain at all, but I just didn't think it would be like this. But I've decided that we have to wait for a reason - when I look at my little niece who is just perfect, I think of how different she could have been if my BIL & SIL hadn't taken 6 months to conceive...she's be a whole different baby, so maybe it just takes a while to get the "right" baby in there. Or maybe that is total BS. Either way, I'm sticking to my reasoning for now because that is all I have!
We spent the weekend out of town and it was nice to "get away" from the TTC for a while. But I had 2 people ask when we were going to have kids on the trip. Probably not in 9 months because DH is going to be gone 2 days before & the day of O if I O when I normally do. I guess this month is slim-to-none. Oh well. I'm bummed mainly because I'm already seeing an GEDD of early summer & it gets soooo hot here. Another month or two & I'm going to be huge all summer. It'll be worth it, but that is really the worst time of the year to be due.
DH had to leave town for the rest of my fertile period. Sigh. My temp went up today, so just maybe I already O'ed, but I haven't been temping much this cycle as a source of sanity, so it could be misleading. Plus I haven't gotten a fully + OPK although I've had some that were very close. Anyway...I'm bummed, but I knew this was coming, so I just need to suck it up and be over it.
I did a stupid thing & temped twice today. The first one was when I first woke up & it was 97.3, but I didn't see that until later because it was dark. When I woke up for good 2 hours later, I saw that # and thought about how lazily I'd temped (like mouth open, half asleep lol), so I did it again & got 97.8. Anyway...not very informative since I got another + OPK today. I don't know what the deal is this month...I think I'm just going to ignore it and wait for AF to show.
ETA: This afternoon I finally got some EWCM. Man...I wish DH could BD over the phone He seriously is gone over the 2 worst days possible. This is the 2nd month of 4 TTC that he's been out of town over O...the only two times he's had to leave town for work in fact. Why do I have such awful luck!? OPKs are still + this afternoon
I told myself I wouldn't get obsessive this month because of my very slim chances, but I find myself looking through charts to find out examples of girls with similar instances where they get BFPs. I'm unsure of my O day exactly, so I just guessed so I can have a DPO count on my chart I'm going to try to keep it chill for the next week and not stress over every little thing. From approx. 8-10 DPO I'll be out of town, so that'll be great to keep me from testing LOL! I want to wait for AF, but I'm pretty sure I'll cave before then. I just know myself better than that! Anyway...I feel like I'm getting way too excited over nothing.