Why ME? Our PCOS/TTC Journey
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Thread: Why ME? Our PCOS/TTC Journey

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    Default Why ME? Our PCOS/TTC Journey

    January 24, 2004

    In the interest of re-starting my menstrual cycle, tonight is day #2 of provera 10 mg pills. Knowing that these will make me nauseous, last night I took a dramamine with my pill. Consequently, I slept far into the morning and now I can't sleep tonight!! Ah, well.

    As I daydream about another child, and another pregnancy, I'm amazed at the journey I've taken in the past two years. January 16, 2002, we found out that we'd be having our first child. We were so confused. How did this happen? We'd been married for less than a month when we found out, and we were both just 20 years old. In the next couple of months, I grew to love the idea of becoming someone's mommy.

    Then, at 33 weeks, we received another shocker. A 12 hr urine test revealed that I had protein in my urine. Along with my rising blood pressure, this lead to the diagnosis of preeclampsia. We were lucky enough to hold onto the pregnancy for another 2 weeks, in the interest of baby's health.

    We had such a horrible birth experience. Preeclampsia made my entire body swell up so bad that I had to have a central line instead of a regular IV. My kidneys shut down, and I had to have a catheter in my bladder. The catheterization process, and the catheter itself, hurt worse than the labor would...by far. I thought I'd die. The actual birthing process was pretty tolerable by comparison. Contractions, as painful as they were, felt natural. I pushed for less than an hour, and sustained no tears during the birth! Aside from the pre-eclampsia, it appeared that my body was meant to do this birthing thing!!!

    Our beautiful prince, Connor, was worth every trouble. He spent some time in the NICU, learning to breathe consistently and learning to breastfeed. He came home still struggling to latch on. Somehow, Connor and I navigated the treacherous waters of lactation. We made it to 13.5 months still nursing.

    The weaning process broke my heart. Connor is my world, and being a mommy is now my life's purpose. There is no more gratifying feeling than that of holding a newborn tight to your belly. Nursing nurtures the soul, and I'm a better person for having dedicated myself to someone 1/10 my size.

    Now here we are.. I still grieve for what I missed in the birthing process...

    I never made it to the "about to pop" stage of 40 weeks pregnant....
    I never got to have the natural childbirth that I wanted......
    I never held my baby, straight from the womb and still wet, to my chest....
    I never nursed him fresh from the womb....
    I never spent that first night with him by my side....

    Most importantly, I never had a HEALTHY birth.

    That's our goal now. 9 healthy months (I'll even put up with some all-day-sickness). A baby girl would be wonderful. I'm sure that Connor gets sick of me brushing his hair, day-dreaming about a little girl's hair to brush. But, then, Connor would probably love a little brother to pal around with! Either way, we're trying for #2 and have been for 3 months.

    October 29, 2003, I had my IUD taken out. We hadn't planned to TTC until January, 2004, but my IUD was causing me to have constant spotting. We figured that if we did get pregnant before January, we'd be extra lucky!

    We weren't extra lucky. As it turns out, my lack of menstrual flow (I attributed this to breastfeeding), was a symptom of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. The verdict is still out on my bloodwork, and just how nasty my hormone levels are. We may have a long road ahead of us! It still amazes me that two people, just 22 years old and in otherwise good health, can have such serious trouble with this TTC stuff.

    What's beautiful about the whole thing is that everytime I'm angry, and feel somehow betrayed, I look at Connor. If we never conceive another, I have to remember to be thankful for the miracle we have. That needs to be my daily message to myself, throughout all of this.
    Abby and Brad (married 12/31/2001)
    and Connor (08/26/2002)
    and baby brother Declan (aka Decker) 11/04/06

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    January 25, 2004 8 pm

    This is day #3 of Provera 10 mg pills, and it’s accompanied by even more nausea. I slept all day, again, because of the Dramamine I took the night before. But...wahoo! It's snowing now! Hopefully, it will stick and Mr. Connor will get to play in it tomorrow.

    Brad and I had this huge fight tonight about all the stupid ways he's been acting lately. All of the things that I want from him are really quite simple. Connor needed to be fed and bathed this weekend, and I needed to sleep off the effects of Provera. I expected to find the house on the sloppy side when I woke, but I didn't expect the wreck that I found. Pizza boxes stacked in the hallway, stains on the carpet, dishes piled everywhere, and Connor running around in nothing but a diaper. Oh, fun. There are other issues that I won't go into, but it all amounts to one big fight and I'm still bitter over the whole thing.

    Now, Connor is winding down to go to sleep and I get to ponder this whole TTC journey and my PCOS problems. I'm terrified that metformin isn't going to help me lose the weight that I need to. At this point, I'm eating pretty healthy. I cannot possibly cut out any unhealthy carbs. I'm exercising as often as I have the time to. Of course, I could use more sculpting, but my cardio workouts are pretty frequent. What else is there to do? How am I going to get to a healthy weight while TTC, and then stay there during pg? What if pre-e rears its ugly head again?

    Oh, and another fun PCOS symptom has shown itself... male pattern hair loss! I've noticed some hair loss around my temples. Grrrr...there's nothing in the world that can make you feel uglier than male pattern hair growth/loss. I can handle the constant facial hair waxing, but what do you do when you're losing hair? All I can think to do is take my metformin when it's prescribed and pray!!!
    Abby and Brad (married 12/31/2001)
    and Connor (08/26/2002)
    and baby brother Declan (aka Decker) 11/04/06

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    January 26, 2004

    Day #4 Provera 10 mg pills, still no bleeding!

    Oh, I thought this day would never end! Connor was up at 5 am, and didn't take a single nap all day. In all seriousness, I almost went bonkers. He was so cranky! At one point, I held him in my lap and faced him towards me. I looked deeply in his eyes and said to him "Connor, you have got to F-in stop this." It's not like me to like that, and I so rarely speak to Connor out of my "baby tone". What exactly was I thinking? He's going to think "Ok, Mom, I'll stop now. Thanks for letting me know that it's making you stress out." He's only 17 months today, not anywhere near 2 years old. So why is he acting like this?

    Hopefully Brad'll be able to stay home tomorrow, with all of the snow. We took Connor out for a little playing in the snow, and he didn't quite know what to think:



    I just can't wait to have two to play in the snow with. It's been almost 12 days since Brad and I last BD, because of the provera pills. The lull in TTC has been kinda nice, but PCOS seems to be rearing its ugly head in so many ways (ie, the hair loss thing that has really been bothering me lately). I can't wait to be rid of things. I need to talk to my OB about some sort of medication to rid me of the testosterone that's causing the hair problems... Note to self!
    Abby and Brad (married 12/31/2001)
    and Connor (08/26/2002)
    and baby brother Declan (aka Decker) 11/04/06

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    January 27, 2004

    Day #5 Provera 10 mg pills... I'm half-way there!

    One thing is for sure, I cannot take many days like these. We're officially snowed-in, as we can't drive anywhere because the roads are so icy. We've gotten somewhere between 5 and 7 inches of snow in 48 hours.

    Again, Connor was unbelievably cranky and impatient. Brad and I are having some serious marital problems, and I don't see him trying to change at all. It seems like things are getting worse, rather than better. I know that TTC, and especially abstaining from sex so that I can get a period, are hard on a marriage. But, I thought that our marriage was strong enough to withstand a month without sex without breaking down!

    Two women on my Sep 02 board have just recently found out that they're pregnant. I have to admit, I'm pretty darn jealous. I so desperately wanted another September Sweetie!!!!!!!!! Obviously, I'm happy for them, but the jealousy is pretty insane.

    Please, oh, please, let it be my turn soon! My marriage, and my sanity, cannot take this much longer!
    Abby and Brad (married 12/31/2001)
    and Connor (08/26/2002)
    and baby brother Declan (aka Decker) 11/04/06

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    Day #6 of Provera 10 mg, Am I almost done yet?

    Please, oh please, somebody tell me that I won't have to take provera every month every month for the rest of my life in order to get a period. The nausea, the mood swings... I just can't take another course of this stuff!

    Tonight, I tried to clean the humidifier with a bit of bleach because it was a tad mildewy... and I spilled bleach on the rug. Darnit. So, goodbye rug!

    I'm so sick of PCOS and being infertile and irregular and everything else. I have jealous thoughts when my girlfriends get their periods. It's really quite twisted. How did I manage to be 22 years old with an infertility diagnosis? It thoroughly alludes me.

    My thoughts are so scattered this evening. I believe it's cabin fever, as I've been stuck inside for 3 days straight because of the snow. Tomorrow, we WILL get out, I don't care how bad the weather is. Poor Connor has to be getting sick of just his mommy to play with. We've played and cuddled all day, but I know that he has to be bored!
    Abby and Brad (married 12/31/2001)
    and Connor (08/26/2002)
    and baby brother Declan (aka Decker) 11/04/06

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    January 29, 2004

    Day #7 of Provera 10 mg pills

    Connor, Brad and I FINALLY escaped the house today, after 4 days indoors because of the snow. Of course, we went out to dinner, and I had a very bad carb/fried food indulgence. It's back on the low-carb wagon tomorrow!

    In a desperate sentimental gesture, I went through Connor's baby/preemie clothes today and re-folded most of them. I miss having a baby so small, so bad! Also, I found out that the wife of a soldier my husband works with is having fertility troubles also. She's 22. It's amazing how many women these issues hit home with!
    Abby and Brad (married 12/31/2001)
    and Connor (08/26/2002)
    and baby brother Declan (aka Decker) 11/04/06

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    Day #8 of Provera 10 mg..... ALMOST AF TIME!!!!!!!!

    How in the world can a woman trying to conceive, with such desperate fervor, be excited about getting her period? I haven't seen menstrual flow in 2.5 years, that's how! I've got tampons and pads and motrin and I'm raring to go!

    My Mom is coming up from NC tomorrow, to stay for the weekend. Connor, Mom and I will go to Gymboree and play. Connor will be so excited when he sees his gammy tomorrow!

    For now, I think our marital issues (that we were having earlier in the week), are over. Brad wrote me a really sweet letter telling me all of the reasons he thinks we're great together, and should try for another baby. It really helped to know that we're in this together. Sometimes, I feel like he's not as enthusiastic about trying to conceive. Part of it is, I am constantly stressed out about it because it's MY body that has to get in order for this whole thing to work. He probably doesn't think about it as often because, hey, all he really has to do is show up and do his thing! Right? It's nice to know that we're in this together, even if he isn't thinking about it every minute of every hour the way I do.
    Abby and Brad (married 12/31/2001)
    and Connor (08/26/2002)
    and baby brother Declan (aka Decker) 11/04/06

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    Provera 10 mg day 10 - Woo hooohooo! I'm done!

    Where did the weekend go? Friday we spent all night cleaning, doing laundry, and getting our normal weekend chores done. My wonderful husband offered to help mop, so that I could finish everything else that had to be done. Saturday, Mom arrived and we had fun going to Gymboree. I made veggie burgers (from fresh tofu) for dinner, and Connor had the bestest time playing with his Gammy! He loves her so much, he'll avoid me to be with her. It's a little disheartening, because normally his mommy is all he wants. But, it's nice for him to have such a close relationship with her. I know that it will continue, and he will have two wonderful women (his Mommy and Gammy) to look up to.

    Anyway, we went over to a friend's house to watch the super bowl. It was honestly quite strange, these people have a 5 yr old, 3 yr old, and a 2 yr old. Their priorities are a little off, and it's obvious that their poor kids suffer. Although I full expect Connor to become more verbal, troublesome and even downright obnoxious as he becomes an older toddler, I hope to be patient and loving with him. At a minimum, I expect myself to pay attention to him.

    I'm glad we waited until now to TTC #2. I know I wouldn't be able to take care of children less than a year apart. I wouldn't be able to take care of them with the love and attention I'd like to, anyway.

    Tomorrow, I have yet another GYN appt to try and figure out what's wrong with me. This time, with a new GYN. I'd like to have her pinpoint how bad my insulin resistance is, and figure out if I need to take insulin sensitizing medication. I'm also hoping to discuss my testosterone levels, and whether or not they're related to my insulin resistance. Also, I'm concerned that maybe this provera won't jumpstat my period.

    I'll need all the luck I can get with this appt tomorrow! Hopefully, I won't leave the appt crying like my last couple of appts!

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    February 2, 2004

    Day 1, 500 mg Metformin

    We had a thoroughly great appointment today, with a new OB/GYN. Her name is Dr. Pierson, and she has a 17 month old too! She's more personable, more patient, and more communicative than the OB/GYN we had seen the last time. All of my questions are answered (for now), and things are looking up on the PCOS front.

    My fasting insulin level (as of Jan 9) was only 2, which is not bad at all. This leads us to think that my PCOS isn't as far along in the downward spiral as we had previously thought. Considering all of my bloodwork panel, the only thing that really stands out is a relatively high testosterone level. This is often associated with PCOS, and it doesn't surprise me one bit. I have all the symptoms of a high androgen (testosterone is an androgen) level: facial hair growth (I hate plucking!), hair loss, acne, etc, etc.

    Thankfully, Dr. Pierson answered my questions about those side-effects of PCOS. She said that they're not reversible, but that they should not get any worse now that I am taking metformin. She'd like to keep me on metformin until I get pregnant, and through the first trimester of pregnancy. Metformin has been shown to decrease the high instance of miscarriage in PCOS patients. Hopefully, the Metformin alone will help me to ovulate. If, in three months time, I'm still annovulatory (and still have ammenorrhea), we'll consider clomid. For now, I'm on a baby-step Metformin regimen, and low carb diet. So, for the first week I'll be on 500 mg Met, then step up to 1000 mg, then up to 1500 mg.

    Poor Connor passed out in the van on the way home from my appt. He's still sleeping now, and I'll probably join him soon. Here's to some healthy ovaries, real soon!
    Abby and Brad (married 12/31/2001)
    and Connor (08/26/2002)
    and baby brother Declan (aka Decker) 11/04/06

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    February 3, 2004

    Day 2, Metformin 500 mg

    "if there are any heavens my mother will(all by herself)have
    one. It will not be a pansy heaven nor
    a fragile heaven of lilies-of-the-valley but
    it will be a heaven of blackred roses"
    e.e. cummings

    In the evening, when he's almost zonked but fighting sleep, Connor is the most cuddly. Before Brad got home tonight, Connor climbed in the bed with me and brought his babydoll. I held him, he held his doll. For a moment, he was my baby again. Our little piece of heaven lasted all of three minutes before he wanted to get up and play again. I love every little kiss he gives me during the day, and every tight hug, but those moments when I have my baby back are so amazing. Raising an independent, happy little person can be so bittersweet.

    Connor now says "ut oh" and "there ya go". I need to teach him to say "baby sister" or "baby brother".

    We're hoping for a November baby, but honestly, I'd wait another year if it meant that we'd have another September baby. I really love early fall babies! Don't let me say that I "don't want" a December baby, because I want another baby no matter what. But... I'd prefer anything but winter for giving birth. I don't want to try to squeeze my huge pregnant self into a winter coat.

    So far, my only side-effect from metformin is gassiness. I know, TMI. It's not even that bad. I hope this lack of bad side-effects continues!
    Abby and Brad (married 12/31/2001)
    and Connor (08/26/2002)
    and baby brother Declan (aka Decker) 11/04/06

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