From wife to mother...a CO girl's feelings

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From wife to mother...a CO girl's feelings

Ok so I guess to start off I should say that DH hasn't told me STILL when he will be ready to TTC so for now this is actually my TOC journal. I'm hoping some of my posts will be positive and upbeat with cutsie ideas but unfortunatly I'm starting it off a little bitter!

I currently know 7 pregnant friends or family, 1 friend has a newborn and 1 jsut told me they are starting TTC. So I'm a little depressed...it might be one of the hardest things to see so many people around you "living your dream".... I don't have dreams other than to be a wife and mother...that's all I ever wanted.

Let me back up and tell my story, since this is MY journal I can do whatever!

BRB

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This is what I call a rant.... Its really just for me since I have nobody I can express any of this to! I don't feel better after writing it and I know it doesn't help anything but apparently keeping it inside was going to be worse!

I'm fed up with myself! I got all the way down to 136.8 2 weeks ago and I"ve been piggin out ever since! WHY can I not just stick with something? Seriously....Im so annoyed with myself its not even funny.

I'm really annoyed at life in general...work is freaking hectic ALL the time, Dion still won't commit to me about when we can have a baby, I eat like crazy when I'm stressed and can't stop this freaking roller coaster. I'm even beginning to want Dion to come to church with me because I see so many husband and wife teams and fully supporting eachother, raising their families to believe in god, praying and having faith, its really getting to me. I can't about Babies to dion which is the ONLY thing I can think of at any given moment...I search all day to look at cute pics and read articles and find out what my monthly cycles looks like and I cant ever say a word about it, then he wonders why I don't talk! I'm really frustrated right now! The weight is just packing itself on beccause of it! I don't know how to stop, seriously!

I really do understand that sometimes you have to wait for things, But here's the thing...I have been waiting....over 6 years!! Not only that but I really wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 25...I'm 26...I have zero kids..all because I was waiting on Dion! he talks about length of time we've been married...well maybe if he had not waited almost 5 years to actually ask me, we would have been married for like 2 years already! I think he thinks that the sky will open up one day and well have no bills, no debt, our house will be completely remodeled, well both be in new cars with stable and secure jobs and not a care in the world....and THAT will be the perfect time to start....Its just NOT going to happen...there will never ever be a perfect time! Does he really not understand how long 40 weeks is? well already be well into next year 40 weeks from now. You know what I'm pissed, I am absolutely FURIOUS about this topic and all I can do is sit here and write about it an cry before I get home. I have no intention of pressuring him because if I feel even the slightest bit of resentment when I actually do get pregnant or if I feel I talked him into it and he's just doing it for me or acting like this is "my" thing....I'll explode....I don't understand how anyone could not want to make thier wife happy and do everything possible as she does for him to help her to support her. All he can talk about is a new bike, race season, new car, credit card blah ****ing blah...get over it! The reason you are broke all the time is because you are enjoying your life and doing what you want to do....I don't have the luxery to do that because ALL of my dreams are on hold for his and have been ever since he started racing 4 years ago...if he complains anymore about how broke he is and what am I going to do...I'm just going to just keep reminding him how much he spent on racing last year alone or the first race weekend of 2008, seriously!

I don't honestly feel any better but at least this is out there and off my chest. I have no options or choices im just in a never ending waiting game, that is my life!

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WERE TRYING!!!!!!

just a quick review....

Saturday night, Dion's graduation party...we were drinking, everyone left...DH takes me upstairs and for the first time EVER in our relationship we DTD without protection.

my mind is racing at this point thinking, is he maybe drunker than I think he is, will he remember this tomorrow and try to blow it off like it was nothing etc etc

So we get up Sunday and I am teasing him about it or something and asked him flat out "are we going to try again?"...he asked me a few questions about when I'm ovulating and such and while he didn't come directly out and say yes, he said I can't believe in less than 7 months we've gotten married, gradutated, got new cars, paid off debt and are going to start a family...SO I take that as a yes.

just to confirm I asked him later if we would tell people that we were trying or not and he said " I don't think you'll be able to keep it to yourself" but I told him I would because I would really rather just be able to surprise people with the news that were pregnant rather than them keep asking us.

I also told him I didn't want to tell anyone after we get pregnant until I am 8-10 weeks at least...maybe even the reccommended 12, but I'm not sure I could actually wait 12 weeks to start telling people..I'll try!

Ok anyways...I have to keep my journal here online since I can't tell anyone else about it yet in my real life!

here we go....my journey starts here!

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What a great line about TTC
Don't fall into the trap of thinking you are eating for two. Your baby takes what he or she needs from you. You need to be eating for you -- keep your muscles strong and nourished.

So many people think they can stuff their face and do nothing to control their pregnancy. While eating healthy and not overdoing things is more important than the "eating for 2" mentality. Granted I've never been pregnant but I do fully plan on staying at least somewhat active throughout my pregnancy and eating healthy even more organic foods to help my baby grow.

Oh man...I wish we could try right now! I'm so excited! So today is CD8, the earliest I have ever O'd is CD 13 and latest is CD 17, so I'm thinking I can talk Dion into every other day starting on CD11 which is Thursday. Were out of town this weekend in Hastings Nebraska and staying in a camper with other people so it will be hard to sneak on our own the WHOLE weekend, so It looks like were going to need to try Thursday, Friday morning before we head out and then Sunday night or Monday at the lastest if my temps haven't gone back up that is by then!

OMG...I sooo hope for a February baby! I know I'm setting my sights really high hoping that we get it right on the first shot, but it could happen! I'm staying positive and actually just looking forward to trying right now!

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I can't wait to look back on this journal to read the things I was thinking about whiel TTC and then ever during pregnancy...I'll have so many "firsts" I can't wait!

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May 22, CD 11
well if I have a regular schedule this cycle ( which I have no reason to believe I won't) then I should O between Saturday 24th and Wednesday the 28th. I'm really hoping I either O Saturday or wait until Monday or Tueaday. The reasoning...we'll be out of town this weekend and staying in our friends trailer so its hard to DTD when people are sleeping 3 ft away from you. So Saturday and Sunday are out for DTD, I mmmiiiiigggghhht be able to talk DH into doing it friday morning before we leave so that would be good. If not I'm totally making him do it with me on Monday when we get back and from then on out till I O!

I weighed in this morning at 134.4 so I'm super excited about that. I'm really hoping to get down to 130 before we get pregnant! I just want to be able to meet this ONE goal! ya know? I think it will really help starting off at a healthy weight and eating right and exericising the way I do.

I think he wants to BD as close to O because I told him that boy sperm are faster swimmers and more likely to get to the egg first, but die first and girls can last longer in your body alive...lol...that might not have anything to do with it but I do know he wants a boy.

I could care less honestly what we have, ideally we'd have 1 girl 1 boy but I'm putting it in gods hands, I want him to decide what's best for us!

Oh I am a bit frustrated with DH today because since he told me we could try, we haven't actually done it, he's been exhausted this week and technically its too early for me to get og, especially if I don't O till Mon/Tues but the practice would have been fun anyways and gotten my hopes up a little! I'm jumping him tonight no matter what! LOL

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June 3, 6DPO
Holy crap I'm a bad journaler! Don and I went to winter park this weekend and had a wonderful romantic getaway. We were fighting around the time I *thought* I O'd so I figured I missed it. then I had a temp spike right after we dtd a couple times so I'm trying to stay hopeful.

I gott go but I'll report back tomorrow!

Oh my temps are really high right now! I HOPE this is a good sign but not getting my hopes up!

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June 4th, CD 24 7DPO!
Ok so I had to cut yesterday's notes short. We had a rough patch this month around the time I was thought I was going to O. Dion and I were fighting, not even speaking for a few days and we had some issues to work through. We ended up talking for several hours one night and worked everything out and we were both feeling much better about everything. We went away for a romantic weekend together and its totally what we both needed!

I thought I had missed O, other than my temps didn't stay high after my initial spike so when I had another spike on the day we BD'd I was/am ecstatic. I'm a bit nervous that we may have missed it since we didn't BD until PM but I'm trying to stay hopeful. My temps are helping with this.

I'm not having any pregnancy symptoms as of yet. my right lower side/back is aching today, like I slept wrong but I very possibly just may have slept wrong. No food aversions, nausea, headaches, spotting, sore BB's...nothing. Sad Oh I did eat weird today though, I've been snacking all day rather then eating full meals, which is very unlike me, but may also be due to my schedule at work right now, because were so busy

I tested this morning, fully prepared to get a BFN and I will TRY not to test tomorrow, I'll wait until Friday if possible. I'll be 9DPO, which is still early but since my LP has been rather short these last few cycles I'm hoping I get my BFP!

Feeling: I'm obsessed today with pregnancy, as with most days but more so now that I'm in my first 2ww. I cut out caffiene today, had a cup of decaf this morning, no chocolate, no soda. took my prenatal and am trying to eat more fruits and veggies for a *possible* baby that may need the nutrients.

I am still hoping to lose these last 7 lbs before I get pregnant but I've read that the first Tri with morning sickness, many women lose weight on their own, so I'm just going to try to do what I can before anything is confirmed and worry later.

update tomorrow!

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June 5th,CD 25, 8DPO

Had a really high temp reading AGAIN this morning...I'm starting to get some hope here....which may actually be a bad thing. I don't want to get my hopes up in fear of them crashing down if my temps fall or when AF comes.

I really just *HOPE* and pray that this cycle is it and we are pregnant!

I alsmost bought some FRER at the grocery yesterday but decided to wait. I think I'm glad I did...other than the fact that now I realllly want to buy one since I'll be 1 day further along tomorrow when/if I test and I have an even better chance of getting a BFP.

What a crazy, vicious cycle TTC is. It makes me totally obsessed!! I can't concentrate at work, at home all I do is think about baby things, the nursery, growing a belly,just totally random things!

I woke up this morning, still with that weird side, lower back ache it has seemed to go away for now. I also felt a little "out of it" this morning...probably not a symptom just a note. I had right leg cramps, numbing and felt like I was maybe getting sick( like muscle aches and such) but feel fine now!

That's about it for today...Haven't done so great in the eating dept...I've been munching today but my meals have been healthy with lots of fruits and veggies, just in case! Smile

Alright...hopefully tomorrow or by Monday I have some Awesome news to share...OMG! Smile

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Oh I had decaf coffee and NO soda again too! Go me!

Oh and I learned how to create a chart in excel to overlay my temps, since I don't have FF VIP acct. Heres how we look so far!

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while this is probably nothing...I wanted to note that I am exhausted this afternoon. This morning I felt good but I'm really tired right now...I think its the large lunch I ate...but I thought I'd take note anyways. Smile

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something else that might be totally unrelated....my gums hurt!! like they feel tingly when I touch them with my tongue....and when I chew its almost painful...I noticed it last noght when brushing my teeth....but I think it might be the whitening trays I'm using...again...worth a note I guess!!

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June 7th, CD27, 10DPO

Still getting BFN's....I don't usually have signs of AF and I still don't have any. I have been getting small tiny lil twinges in my side but I think I always get those and I'm just now starting to TRY to feel every pain and twinge.

I have noticed a bit of CM and looking back on other charts I haven't ever charted CM this late in my cycle...again I may just not have been charting CM by those times.

I don't feel pregnant, I'm a little bloated but could be due to AF

No sore BB's, no nauseas...nada.

My temps are still high but I've also ben waking up hot in the morning....I"m afriad to change anything in my cycle in fear that it will show I' not pregnant.

Blah....I'm stressing over everything, I wish I just knew either way....although I really wish it is a BFP!!! I'm praying and constantly thinking about it.

I promised Dion that I would test with him tomorrow morning, I wish I would have told him like Monday or Tuesday...I think if I don't get a BFP with him he'll give up hope...I think I'll see how my temps are tomorrow morning

Im also going to try to watch my water intake after 6:00 tonight because my FMU is very dluted because I drink so much water..I wonder if that can affect the concentration of Hcg???

Anyways...I'lll try to update tomorrow!!

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June 8th, CD 28, 11 DPO....still BFN! and my te,mp dropped this morning.
I recorded it at 97.86 at my normal time but had my mouth slightly open because its the first time all week that the alarm actually woke me up...so I retested about 7 minutes later and it was 98.05.....still low!

I didn' tell DH I tested this morning...I knew it would show a BFN and theres just something about this that I don't want him to ever see a BFN just the positive....I get AF every month so he's already used to that.

Well I've been analyzing my chart and since my temp went down today and I'm on CD28...AF should be here today or tomorrow at the latest.

I soooo wanted this February baby....It woud have been just IDEAL......if we get pregnant next month the due date will be around my bday......not sure how I feel about that yet.

Alright well I"m ot giving up total hope until I see blood.

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June 9th, CD 29, 12DPO
OOOMMMGGG..I saw something this morning...on 2 different tests. I posted the pics on a couple other threads but I'm not starting my own until I test with DH tomorrow morning...He wants to be there for it and since I'm a little uncertain, tomorrow will be perfect timing.

OMG...i think this actually might be it! I might be pregnant. There are so many emotions in my head right now...I want to TELL everyone...but promised I wouldn't and won't until at least 8 weeks...i can hold out that long. I'm obviously over excited and can't concentrate.....my stomach is doing flips, I'm so nervous....I just want to today to be over already so I can test tomorrow!!

OMG...I know I wasn't going to get my hopes up , but they are UP! WAY UP...I want this sooo bad now...I really didn't think that it would be done but I just hope and pray that we did it!

My temps show it, a very faint line shows it, lack of AF shows it....it has to be it right?

I'm so glad I didn't switch back to caffiene...i do wish I had hit my goal weight but I think for the first trimester...i am going to lose a few lbs anyways...if I can get down to like 132ish....that would be great. I weighed in this weekend at 135.6 so it won't be too difficult!

I was tired yesterday, took a 3 hour nap and still slept soundly. so maybe that's a symptom...I also had some cramping but had assumed it was AF on her way. I currently feel cramping on my right side.

OMG...We'll find out tomorrow...with DH what we do from here!

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Oh I think I'm having heartburn...never in my life have I ever experienced it...its not overwhelming...just like a tingly feeling in my chest. oh and my bb are a bit sore...maybe swollen...but not that I've noticed much!
Still have some Creamy CM...but not much! ALl good signs in my book!

I can not believe this is happening...I'm again just overwhelmed with emotions!! Happiness and SHEER joy top the list but nervousness about the future and being a mom also. I'm ready and have been waiting...its just now that its a reality( oh almost a reality) its a very surreal feeling! Like I never thought I'd be here but here I am...kinda the same thing as being a bride on her wedding day I guess.

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here is the very first test I took this morning...I know you can't see the line here but in real life, it was there...obviously it prompted me to take another one....
(its a comparison shot between 11DPO and 12DPO)

and here is the one I took right after I saw *the line* just to make sure

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I think because I was having short cycles( only 27 days and not 28) my EDD will be a lil off.

My last Menstrual Cycle was May 12, 2008
I know we conceived on May 28th (because we didn't DTD for like 5 days before then)

I have 2 different EDD: February 16th http://www.intmed.mcw.edu/clincalc/pregnancy.html

or Pg.org says Feb 19th

other cool info...

First trimester ends August 6th (there's no way I can wait that long to spill this news)

2nd trimester ends November 19th

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WERE PREGNANT! Got a blazing positive last night!

My tests this morning were much more faint but heres a pic of all of them together...so far...I still have 2 left and will do those and also buy a digital...I hope they start getting darker soon!!

Still not having any symptoms...I did have some cramping this morning on my walk but went away and I also had a very small amount of brown spotting. Doc said that was normal...FIRST ULTRASOUND is scheduled for JULY 9th! I'll be 8 weeks!

DH is soo excited! I can not wait to start telling people..I hope the time flies!