I had my pg blood test today and technically I’m pg but my hCG level was only 39. So it is mixed news and it is hard to get excited because this may not be a viable pg. I go back on Wednesday to see if my levels have gone up. I didn’t think to ask what the level should be but from what I’ve read online it should be at least 50 by now. So we’re being cautiously optimistic and now we have MORE WAITING!
I don't think this pg was meant to be. I took a HPT yesterday and there was a very, very faint second line and the one I took this morning had no second line at all. I'm essentially 16 dpo (or days past retrieval) and the test should be positive by now so I’m not getting very excited. Technically I’m pg but I will most likely m/c. I know it could still go up but it is not very likely. So I’m being realistic but still praying for a miracle.
This is just such crap! I thought I’d be bouncing off the walls when they told me I’m pg. But when they say, technically this is a positive result but it may not be a good pg. How are we supposed to respond to this?!?!
Second beta test was yesterday and it only went up to 58 so this is probably a chemical pg. The RE wants me to do one more blood test on Sunday and to continue on the prog. shots just in case but if my levels haven't gone off I will stop the shots and will m/c.
I just don't understand why any of this is happening and I'm just heartbroken beyond belief!
I go tomorrow morning for another blood test to see where my beta levels are and if they still aren’t doubling as they should I will stop the progesterone shots. I haven’t started bleeding yet but I have had a tiny bit of brownish spotting on the TP. I’m prepared for my levels to not go up like they should.
DH and I have talked a little bit and they only thing we decided is that we will not do IVF again. We’re being realistic and moving on to the next chapter. This is the way I see it...
We’ve have had unprotected sex for about 4 years, actively TTC for over 3 year and done IVF twice and nothing has ever worked. From the 2 IVF cycles combined, we got 32 mature eggs, 18 fertilized egg and NONE of the embryos have developed much beyond 8 cells. Something is not right! I don’t know if it is my eggs, Daryl’s sperm or the combination of the two but our embryos don’t develop in the lab or in utero. I know everyone says that is only takes one good one but we can’t even get one!
And... we don’t have an unlimited supply of money to continue doing treatment that may or may not work. So we’ve decided to take a little time to mourn the loss of this child that almost was and then focus our attention on becoming parents to a child that needs a Mommy and Daddy.
So we probably won’t ever have a biological child but we will become parents somehow. I feel more strongly about adoption and having children in general than DH does but I think that is just due to the fact that he is a man and I’m a woman. Men don’t typically have an innate desire (or need) to have children like most women have. So it only makes sense that I feel more strongly about this than he does. But he does understand that I cannot and will not go my entire life without become a Mother!
Today's blood test only showed a beta increase from 58 to 95 so I will not be continuing on the progesterone shots and I've started bleeding. I was having a bit of really brown spotting last night but not it is becoming red. The office said to call the answering service if I had any cramping, bleeding or passing tissue. I've also been having nausea for the past few days and I don’t know if that means anything or it is just nerves and stress. So that is it... it is over.
My hCG only went down to 61 today from 68 on Thursday. So the nurse is starting to get concerned that it is not going down. She is going to talk with the RE (he was in surgery all day today) and will call tomorrow to let me know if I have to come in for a shot (I can't remember what it is called) that will get rid of this remaining pg tissue. I was bleeding (and crampy) on Thursday and Friday but it really wasn't even as much as a normal AF and now it has pretty much stopped all together.
So... this chemical pg and hCG saga seems to be dragging on! But hopefully it won’t last much longer. I just want to get this over with already and move on. That probably sounds terrible but the baby is already gone but my body doesn’t seem to want to believe that or something.
Daryl and I are going to take it easy for a little while about having a baby... however that happens and focus us. As anyone who has been TTC for a while knows all too well that TTC can take a toll on a marriage. We’re doing fine but have been focusing for so long on getting pg that we’ve put ourselves on the back burner. I especially need to concentrate on other things for a while. I need to lose some weight and just getting healthier so I feel better about myself.
Not much new going on in the TTC department. I'm still waiting for AF to arrive; I guess if she is not here in another week or so I will call the doctor. I'm not sure how long it should take but next week will be 4 weeks since my last hCG test, which came back with a level of 5. And it has already been over 5 weeks since I was bleeding but I guess your cycle can be messed up after a m/c... even if it was early.
Daryl and I have talked more about adoption and we got together with some friends who just adopted an 18-month-old boy. They gave us a lot of insight and advice on adoption. We're still just contemplating and doing research but adoption will most likely be in our future.
I've joined a gym and have started working out with a friend so hopefully I'll start losing some weight and getting in better shape.
I called the RE's office on Tuesday and they said to wait a week or 2 longer if AF hasn't arrived. The nurse also said to count from the last hCG blood test that was negative, which was June 24th. So today was officially 6 weeks since then and still no AF. So I guess it is just more waiting (the story of my life!) and I will call back when it has been 8 weeks if AF hasn’t come.
We'll probably start looking more seriously into adoption soon but I'm not sure when. I had a dream last night that we adopted an infant and also had an older child (about 3) as well. At least I assume we adopted her but that part of my dreams are never clear; all I ever know is that in my dreams I suddenly have a child and have not been pg. I've never dreamt about being pg or giving birth but only about suddenly having a child... maybe this is a sign that we’re meant to adopt!
I guess it has been a while since I’ve updated my journal. I've been in this funk lately, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that yesterday was the one year anniversary of my Dad's death. I can't believe it has been a year already... it seems like it was just yesterday but at the same time he seems for far away.
Daryl and I have not talked about adoption or TTC much, just a couple of short conversations but nothing of substance. Sometimes I feel like he is content to keep things the way they are and it would be ok if we never have children. I wish I knew how to not only get across how important children are to me (because he has to know how much it means to me!) but also how to get him to make an effort. It is just so frustrating as times!
My first AF (which started on Sept 7th) after the m/c was still pretty short and my cycle was only 27 days but now it seems to be back on track. Although I haven’t been tracking much so I’m not exactly sure when I O’d but I’m probably about 9 dpo now.
I guess that is it for now... I’m really *trying* to not let TTC consume every aspect if my life like it has in the past but it still is never far from my mind!