Not much new going on with TTC. Still just trying to take it easy but I did start using my FM again this cycle. We’re probably going to try IVF again but I’m just not sure when. I just don’t think I’m ready to give up on having a child yet. Although, I did have a dream the other night that a child (about 2 years old) was coming to live with us but I don’t remember anything specifically about adoption. I’m not sure what that means... if anything!
My Dad is not doing very well! He’s been hospitalized 4 times since August. He was really “out of it” until Saturday afternoon. When he’d fall asleep, his arms and legs would twitch and his eyes were rolling back in his head. At one point he opened his eyes and it was like he was looking at me but I knew he was not awake. It was really scary and I was the only one in the room with him. But was doing a lot better Saturday evening.
They called 911 on Friday because he thought he was having a heart attack. He didn’t have a heart attack but he was having some heart issues. I’m not sure exactly what except his rate kept going really high. So he is now on Lopressor, on top of all the other meds he has to take. He does have bacterial pneumonia so he is on antibiotics to help clear that up and doing some sort of breathing treatments to help get all the gunk out of his lung.
He hasn’t had a chemo treatment in 3 weeks because he was on his off week when he went into the hospital last time, then he had just gotten out of the hospital when he was due for it last Wednesday so they were going to hold off until Today. But I’m not sure if he even had it today or not. But he will be starting on a new chemo drug (I don’t remember the name... I think it starts with an A) that was just approved by the FDA in August. So hopefully that will do some good.
My Stepmom it really stressed and is being inundated with do-gooders offering advice and information of what they should be doing. So now she is second-guessing what she should be doing. She is now thinking, should she be taking him to the Mayo Clinic or this place in Texas or trying more alternative things or a special diet? I told her that people want to help and don’t know what to do so they offer advice and suggestions about something they heard somewhere. And to just graciously accept the information people offer and then let it go. If they need to know about it then the doctors will tell them. In a way this reminds me of all the advice and suggestions I’ve all gotten about TTC!
I was thinking that we might wait until January to try IVF again but with my Dad being so sick and probably won’t be with us for much longer, I’m wondering if we should just go ahead and try again. He could be even sicker in January and maybe if a miracle happens he could be around to meet our child. I know I shouldn’t hold onto that too much but I can’t help thinking about it.
DH and I need to talk about this anyway so we shall see!
My Dad passed away on Friday, October 29, 2004 at 9:45pm. He had battle a year and a half with cancer and his family surrounded him when he went home to heaven. It is truly an amazing miracle to witness someone leaving this world to go to the next. It was hard of course... probably the most difficult experience of my life but I’m so glad I was there with him and that he wasn't alone.
It has been an exhausting couple of weeks! We spent a week with him in the hospital where he was vomiting a lot and coughing up blood clots. It was horrible to see my father suffering so much. There were several nights that I stayed up with him and didn’t sleep at all, just to make sure he was never alone. We took him home on Thursday, October 28th at about noon and I think he knew he was home even though he wasn’t very conscious. He died exactly like he wanted... at home surrounded by loved ones. It was very peaceful too. My Dad wasn’t afraid to die but he was scared about how it would happen. His fear was that he would suffocate but it wasn’t like that at all, he just breathed less and less until he stopped. And in an instant he was gone and all of his pain and suffer was over. This experience has helped me to really understand that these bodies we have while we’re here on earth are truly just a vessel for our souls.
When my Dad was in the hospital he’d be talking in his sleep. It was like he was re-living his life but at times it was also as if he was seeing into the next world. But he did something that I’m afraid people are getting me to read too much into. He got this really silly smile on his face that none of us had ever seen and he said, “Hey there little one.” People keep telling me that he was talking to our baby and that he’ll show our baby the way to us. I’m trying not to read too much into this but I can’t help but hope that it will happen.
There was a very nice obituary in the paper and here is the link if you’d like to read a little more about My Dad. Here is a picture that was taken at my wedding in 1997:
Not much new going on. The holidays were hard of course but we were with family a lot so that helped. It is strange how my emotions will hit me like a brick when I least expect it. Sometimes I can talk about my Dad easily and then other times I almost lose it when someone simply tells me they are sorry for my loss. But it is getting a little better. It has been a little over 2 month since my Dad's death and sometimes it seems so long ago but at the same time it seems like just yesterday.
As for TTC, not much going on, AF arrived Christmas... lovely gift! I'm feeling a bit isolated because ALL of my friends have children or are pg. I don't feel like I have anything in common with them anymore and mostly what they talk about are their kids. I often found myself in a room of moms who were sharing stories about their kids and all I could do was just listen. And I don't know what was louder, their stories or the sound of my heart breaking even more.
Well... I guess that is enough depressing thoughts for now! It seems like all my journal is filled with are depressing words.
I’m a little confused as to what is going on with my cycle. I didn’t get my FM test sticks in time so I didn’t really track anything other than CM but I think I’m about 11 dpo. My LP is usually 11 days so I should be getting AF anytime. But it is weird... I’m having what feels like O pains not AF cramps. But I guess there is no sense in trying to analyze all this because AF will probably be here tomorrow.
One week from today is my Dad’s birthday... he would have been 58. It has only been 3 months since he died and it still seems like it was just yesterday but at the same time he seems so far away.
On New Year’s Eve, I was talking with a friend (not a real close one) whose baby died in June. The baby was born at only 26 weeks gestation and lived 15 day. We had a really nice talk and I think it helped us both. I also think that because we had both had a significant loss but wasn’t exactly the same it helped us more. Sometimes when you lose someone, others who have also had a similar loss (also lost a parent, child, etc.) tell you they understand how you’re feeling. And while it is helpful in some ways, I think sometimes you still don’t understand how they can possibly understand what you’re feeling because every situation is different and unique. But it seemed that since our losses where both significant but in a different way we had more of a commonality without the comparisons. Anyway... it was nice and she sent me a card afterwards and I’ve sent her a card too. So maybe we’ll become better friends because she too feels isolated from her friends because they too all have children.
January 29th would have been my Dad’s 58th birthday and it was exactly 3 months since his death. I was out to visit my Stepmom (which is how I will always think of her even though she isn’t technically my Stepmom anymore!) and there was a Mass for my Dad. The 6-month anniversary of his death will also be their 23rd wedding anniversary. There seems to be some significance to the number 29... he died on October 29th, his birthday was January 29th and their anniversary is April 29th. And if by some miracle I were to get pg this cycle I’d be due right around the one year anniversary of his death. So I’ve got my fingers crossed that AF stays away!
A really weird thing happened when I was at church with my Stepmom, a woman came up to me after Mass and told me she had to tell me something. She took my hand and said that as soon as she saw me a voice inside her said, “She will be blessed with her heart’s desire and to remember the motherless child.” When she first saw me, she didn’t realize who I was or about our struggles to have a child. This woman reassured me that she was not crazy and this sort of thing didn’t happen to her often but she decisively knew that this prayer (voice, premonition, whatever you want to call it) was intended for me and would be answered. She said she didn’t know what it meant but that she’d be praying for me. Now I can’t help trying to figure out what this means. Does it mean we’re going to get pg? Does it mean that we’re supposed to adopt a “motherless” child? When is what is supposed to happen going to happen and how will we know? I don’t know if this was a comfort or just raised ever more questions.
So then I have this dream last night that I was at a hospital about to have a baby but it was about a month early so we didn’t have anything ready... no crib, car seat, nothing! It was strange because even in my dream I was thinking that I hadn’t even been to the doctor and here I was about to give birth! One thing that I think might have triggered this dreams is if our IVF had worked I would have been due in little over a month. I’ve often had dreams like this where I am totally unprepared for a baby that I’m about to have or already have somehow. I don’t usually read too much into dreams but it makes me wonder if this might be our month!
So anyway... that is what has been going on with me. Not much new to report on the TTC front. We’re probably going to try IFV again in May if nothing miraculous happens in the meantime. The reason we’re waiting until May is that I pretty busy at work for the next month or so and in April my stepbrother is getting married in Washington DC so we can’t be in the middle of an IVF cycle then.
It is CD 2 and we're going to wait one more cycle before starting IVF again. The main reason we're waiting is because my brother is getting married out of state and we'd be in the middle of the cycle at the time of the wedding. So onw more cycle on our own and then IVF here we come. It sure as heck better work this time!
Things seem to be moving along quickly now for our second IVF cycle! I pick up all my meds tomorrow. I have about a week left of the bcps and I start on the Lupron shots on Sunday (5/15) for a week. We didn’t do Lupron last time because I was on bcps for 3 months when they were trying to shrink my cyst so I guess my ovaries were pretty suppressed by then.
I go in on 5/23 for baseline blood work and u/s and then I’ll start the Gonal-F that evening. The RE wants to increase my dosage slightly from 300 IUs to 350 IUs.
The third thing we’re doing differently this cycle is the assisted hatching, which allows for a greater chance of the embryo shedding its shell so there is a better chance of implantation and it also allows the embryo to implant one day early, which may allow for a greater chance of getting pg.
Things have been moving so quickly with our IVF that I haven’t had a chance to update my journal!
I went for my baseline u/s and blood work on 5/23 but they thought I had another cyst (or left over follicle) so we were delayed and I had to do the Lupron for another week to see if it would shrink. It had gone down when I went on 5/31 so we went ahead with the ovarian stimulation. I started at 375 IU of Gonal F, last time I was at 300 IU and I didn’t respond great. My first blood test was on 6/3 and my Estradiol (Estrogen) was 375 so since it was above 200 already I started daily blood test and u/s n 6/4. The next blood work showed my Estradiol was 734 and I already had about 20 small follicles so my Gonal F dose was dropped to 300 IU. Well, my Estradiol level kept increasing quickly, from 734 to 1465 to 1985 to 3021 to over 5000! My Gonal F dosage kept getting decreased but my follicles were continuing to grow and multiple. The RE was getting concerned that I was going to have ovarian hyperstimulation so we might not have been able to do the transfer until next month with a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). But my Estradiol had leveled off by 6/9 so the transfer was on.
The egg retrieval was on 6/10 and everything went well. We got 31 eggs! Last IVF we only got 14 eggs. So Needless to say I was a little sore the next day from all those eggs being taken out. Of the 31 eggs, Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI), which means that a single sperm is placed directly inside the egg, was done on 20 of them and on 6/11 we found out we had 11 fertilized eggs! Last time ICSI was done on 12 eggs and we only got 3 embryos so they don’t think my eggs we of great quality last time.
The transfer is at 12:30 today! We'll be having 4 embryos transferred and they rest will be frozen at the Blastocyst stage in a couple days for later a FET.
Now it the real dreaded 2WW! I have my pg blood test on the 25th. Augh... how am I going to make it?!?
The nurse called to let us know that unfortunately none of the remaining embryos made it to the Blastocyst stage so we have none left to freeze. So I’m feeling less confident and now I’m wondering, if they didn’t develop in the lab why are they going to continue to develop in me? I was really positive but now I don’t know. I also feel sort of like AF is on the way even though it would be way too soon. I guess it is just all the hormones messing with my body but I feel blue! :bluesad:
I just hope that 1 (or even 2!) of the embryos that are inside me have found a comfy place to call home for the next 9 months!
I had my pg blood test today and technically I’m pg but my hCG level was only 39. So it is mixed news and it is hard to get excited because this may not be a viable pg. I go back on Wednesday to see if my levels have gone up. I didn’t think to ask what the level should be but from what I’ve read online it should be at least 50 by now. So we’re being cautiously optimistic and now we have MORE WAITING!
I don't think this pg was meant to be. I took a HPT yesterday and there was a very, very faint second line and the one I took this morning had no second line at all. I'm essentially 16 dpo (or days past retrieval) and the test should be positive by now so I’m not getting very excited. Technically I’m pg but I will most likely m/c. I know it could still go up but it is not very likely. So I’m being realistic but still praying for a miracle.
This is just such crap! I thought I’d be bouncing off the walls when they told me I’m pg. But when they say, technically this is a positive result but it may not be a good pg. How are we supposed to respond to this?!?!
Second beta test was yesterday and it only went up to 58 so this is probably a chemical pg. The RE wants me to do one more blood test on Sunday and to continue on the prog. shots just in case but if my levels haven't gone off I will stop the shots and will m/c.
I just don't understand why any of this is happening and I'm just heartbroken beyond belief!
I go tomorrow morning for another blood test to see where my beta levels are and if they still aren’t doubling as they should I will stop the progesterone shots. I haven’t started bleeding yet but I have had a tiny bit of brownish spotting on the TP. I’m prepared for my levels to not go up like they should.
DH and I have talked a little bit and they only thing we decided is that we will not do IVF again. We’re being realistic and moving on to the next chapter. This is the way I see it...
We’ve have had unprotected sex for about 4 years, actively TTC for over 3 year and done IVF twice and nothing has ever worked. From the 2 IVF cycles combined, we got 32 mature eggs, 18 fertilized egg and NONE of the embryos have developed much beyond 8 cells. Something is not right! I don’t know if it is my eggs, Daryl’s sperm or the combination of the two but our embryos don’t develop in the lab or in utero. I know everyone says that is only takes one good one but we can’t even get one!
And... we don’t have an unlimited supply of money to continue doing treatment that may or may not work. So we’ve decided to take a little time to mourn the loss of this child that almost was and then focus our attention on becoming parents to a child that needs a Mommy and Daddy.
So we probably won’t ever have a biological child but we will become parents somehow. I feel more strongly about adoption and having children in general than DH does but I think that is just due to the fact that he is a man and I’m a woman. Men don’t typically have an innate desire (or need) to have children like most women have. So it only makes sense that I feel more strongly about this than he does. But he does understand that I cannot and will not go my entire life without become a Mother!
Today's blood test only showed a beta increase from 58 to 95 so I will not be continuing on the progesterone shots and I've started bleeding. I was having a bit of really brown spotting last night but not it is becoming red. The office said to call the answering service if I had any cramping, bleeding or passing tissue. I've also been having nausea for the past few days and I don’t know if that means anything or it is just nerves and stress. So that is it... it is over.
My hCG only went down to 61 today from 68 on Thursday. So the nurse is starting to get concerned that it is not going down. She is going to talk with the RE (he was in surgery all day today) and will call tomorrow to let me know if I have to come in for a shot (I can't remember what it is called) that will get rid of this remaining pg tissue. I was bleeding (and crampy) on Thursday and Friday but it really wasn't even as much as a normal AF and now it has pretty much stopped all together.
So... this chemical pg and hCG saga seems to be dragging on! But hopefully it won’t last much longer. I just want to get this over with already and move on. That probably sounds terrible but the baby is already gone but my body doesn’t seem to want to believe that or something.
Daryl and I are going to take it easy for a little while about having a baby... however that happens and focus us. As anyone who has been TTC for a while knows all too well that TTC can take a toll on a marriage. We’re doing fine but have been focusing for so long on getting pg that we’ve put ourselves on the back burner. I especially need to concentrate on other things for a while. I need to lose some weight and just getting healthier so I feel better about myself.
Not much new going on in the TTC department. I'm still waiting for AF to arrive; I guess if she is not here in another week or so I will call the doctor. I'm not sure how long it should take but next week will be 4 weeks since my last hCG test, which came back with a level of 5. And it has already been over 5 weeks since I was bleeding but I guess your cycle can be messed up after a m/c... even if it was early.
Daryl and I have talked more about adoption and we got together with some friends who just adopted an 18-month-old boy. They gave us a lot of insight and advice on adoption. We're still just contemplating and doing research but adoption will most likely be in our future.
I've joined a gym and have started working out with a friend so hopefully I'll start losing some weight and getting in better shape.
I guess that is about it.
I called the RE's office on Tuesday and they said to wait a week or 2 longer if AF hasn't arrived. The nurse also said to count from the last hCG blood test that was negative, which was June 24th. So today was officially 6 weeks since then and still no AF. So I guess it is just more waiting (the story of my life!) and I will call back when it has been 8 weeks if AF hasn’t come.
We'll probably start looking more seriously into adoption soon but I'm not sure when. I had a dream last night that we adopted an infant and also had an older child (about 3) as well. At least I assume we adopted her but that part of my dreams are never clear; all I ever know is that in my dreams I suddenly have a child and have not been pg. I've never dreamt about being pg or giving birth but only about suddenly having a child... maybe this is a sign that we’re meant to adopt!
I guess it has been a while since I’ve updated my journal. I've been in this funk lately, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that yesterday was the one year anniversary of my Dad's death. I can't believe it has been a year already... it seems like it was just yesterday but at the same time he seems for far away.
Daryl and I have not talked about adoption or TTC much, just a couple of short conversations but nothing of substance. Sometimes I feel like he is content to keep things the way they are and it would be ok if we never have children. I wish I knew how to not only get across how important children are to me (because he has to know how much it means to me!) but also how to get him to make an effort. It is just so frustrating as times!
My first AF (which started on Sept 7th) after the m/c was still pretty short and my cycle was only 27 days but now it seems to be back on track. Although I haven’t been tracking much so I’m not exactly sure when I O’d but I’m probably about 9 dpo now.
I guess that is it for now... I’m really *trying* to not let TTC consume every aspect if my life like it has in the past but it still is never far from my mind!