Wishing & Thinking & Hoping & Praying....TTC #1

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Wishing & Thinking & Hoping & Praying....TTC #1

Oh, a new year and new possibilities!

So a little bit about me...

I am 32, but will turn 33 in April. I have wanted a baby on and off for about 5 years. I was on Depoprovera for almost 4 years and decided I'd better get off of it since it could take a very long time to readjust my hormones. So I went off of it about 5 years ago. Tony hasn't been as on board. He knew I was going to stop using protection, but wasn't fully ready to have kids. Several months ago he decided (soon after he turned 39) he was willing, ready, and wanted them NOW. So I got out the old themometer and went to work recording temps and CM. Five years ago I had bought TCOYF and knew about cycles, TTC, etc. We are currently working on try cycle #3.

Finding time to BD is sometimes difficult because Tony and I work different shifts. I am a juvenile probation officer and am currently assigned as a school resource officer at the local high school. So I work days. Tony is the manager of a Italian restraunt and works evenings. We do see each other most days at lunch, but it is a lot to fit in to a lunch hour!!! We are working on it, though!

I'm trying to stay very positive this cycle. Two cycles actively trying and years of no protection without results is taking a toll. Tony is scheduled to go to the doctor on Friday. I know it's fairly early to have him tested, but I would rather know sooner than later if there is a problem.

I plan to try and lose some weight, eat a little healthier, exercise more, and not let STRESS get to me (yeah, all easier said then done! oops-- not very positive!!!!!!!!) I'm hoping journaling will help with keeping me accountable and help relieve some stress. I have always slacked journaling on paper, so I'm hoping doing it electronically will be better!

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So yesterday was a good day, I went to the gym (YEA!!!!!!!!) and ate pretty decently. The kids are still out of school, so work is slow. I still have all the Christmas decorations to take down, so that's on the agenda for the rest of the week.

We are expecting a huge snowstorm here in the mountains. A blizzard warning has been issued and it is so windy today, I just KNOW it's going to be a big snowfall. I'm not too concerned, more worried about the power going out more than anything. It gets cold with no heat! We've stocked up the wood pile just in case, though. I would love for us to get snowed in and do a whole lot of BD in front of the fire. Wouldn't that be a great story....well, you see we got snowed in and had nothing else better to do so....;)

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Well, so far the huge blizzard of 2008 is a bust. It is lightly snowing, so we'll see.

Tony went to the doctor this morning, but I haven't heard from him yet. I feel good he is making this step and shows me he wants a baby as much as I do. He is definately not a "go to the doctor" type of guy. He seemed nervous about going. I can only laugh to myself given all us women go through.

I stocked up on Robitussin last night. I have about 9 days until the big "O". I didn't work out or eat very well yesterday, but I'm trying again today to get back on track. Trying to decide whether or not to order some preseed. I would rather find it in a store than order online. It can't hurt, so I keep thinking, why not?

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Happy Monday!

Oh, wow. It was a CRAZY weekend.

Friday I got home to find a lake in my front yard. All the rain/snow mix caused major flooding. The cold air return in my livingroom filled with water and I had a major panic attack trying to figure out what to do. Luckily the water subsided without any major damage. The snow came and left us with 3 or so feet. I got my car stuck in my own driveway and had to call a tow truck it get it out. It sunk deep into what was left of the "lake" after the snow covered it. But all in all it turned out ok. We had some friends over for football and chili yesterday and discussed the hazzards of living in the mountains.

In my increasing effort to get more exercise (though I think God might have laughed and sent down all that snow to shovel!!) I signed up for a middle eastern dance class at the local community college. It starts tonight and is twice a week for the next twelve weeks. I'm going to try and enjoy it and not think about all my celulite being jostled around as I attempt to roll my hips in a provocative way!!

Tony's visit with the doctor went well, though she would like him to get an SA. He is very healthy- no longer smokes (last 7 years) or drinks (last 4 years), eats healthy and exercises. He has also started taking a vitamin daily. I'm only concerned about the amount of coffee he drinks (I hate to get on him about this since it's the last vice he has!!) and all the time he spends in our hot tub. I told him he could put off the test until next cycle since I still could get pregnant this cycle. I O this weekend, so I warned him it will be three days of love!

If the cabin is a rockin'.... SmileSmile

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Yes, we are getting MORE snow as we speak! Tony was so sweet. He had built a fire when I went home for lunch today and made us some chili and hot tea. It was so relaxing I didn't want to go back to work!

I still gearing up for the big O this weekend. Of course there was a little practicing last night:wink:.

The dance class was fun last night. I can tell I'm going to really like it. Tonight if the snow isn't too bad I'm heading for yoga class at the gym. I know a regular yoga practice will help with stress now and be great when I get pregnant!!!

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A very frustrating day!

Tony is really feeling the pressure to "perform" on demand and it is taking ALL the fun out of trying for a baby!!! I think I might be ovulating early so I told him to wake me up when he got home last night. Unfortunately, we had gotten even more snow, so he spent 45 minutes shoveling to get into the driveway. Poor guy was too exhausted to wake me up! He has plans with some friends tonight who live out of state and it is their last night in town. ERRRRRR....

I can only do so much (healthy eating, temping, Robitussin, etc.), but you actually have to have S-E-X to have a baby!!!!!!

I really hope we dont miss the egg this month Sad

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Tony ended up coming home before going out last night, so we fit in a quicky! I don't know though, my CM was more dry this morning and my breasts are hurting slightly- both solid signs I have already ovulated. I'm so mad at myself because I left my thermometer downstairs and couldn't temp this morning, bad me!!:spanking:. I hope last night was soon enough to catch the egg. I'm imagining I ovulated overnight, and that would have been perfect timing. I might have to attack Tony tonight again just in case!!!!

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My poor hubby is so sick with a cold. He came home last night and zonked out with some nighttime cold medicine. He isn't feeling much better today. I'm going to take him some soup at lunch.

I had more EWCM this morning, so perhaps I'm not at out this cycle as I was thinking. Now if only Tony starts feeling better, I might get in more more shot (oh, yeah, TOTALLY intended that pun!!!!)

I am soooo glad it is Friday!! I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend. The snow has melted a bit and the temps are in the 40s with clear blue skies. My absolute favorite Tahoe weather.

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I did not stick with my resolve to stay positive this cycle. I definately ovulated early and Tony has been really sick. Last night even though he wasn't feeling well, he woke me up to :lovebed:. I told him it was too late, I had already ovulated. He was so sweet. He counted up and said "it would be an October baby, huh?" I'm glad he feels positive, but I don't. In fact I'm starting to feel sorry for myself. I so want to be pregnant.

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We had such a great day today! Woke up and went to watch football at a friend's house. He cooked us a huge breakfast. It was nice to be at someone else's house for a change, because it seems like we are always the ones doing the entertaining.

Tony and I went for a great dinner at a nice place that overlooks the lake. We talked about maternity leave and daycare needs. He says he isn't looking forward to diaper changing. I told him I'm pretty sure it isn't the highlight of parenting! We came home and sat by the fireplace and watched a movie. Nice and relaxing and just being together.

We due to my lack of temping, I have no true idea when I ovulated. I think I am about 4 days past O. I feel absolutely no symptoms except sore BBs, which I have every month. Tony offered to drive down to the clinic tomorrow to do the SA, but I suggested he wait until after this cycle. You never know---maybe we caught the egg!

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Ugh. I spent some time this morning reading other journals. My heart really goes out to the ladies here who are struggling with infertility. How great there is a place and support for all of us going through is crazy time. But it put it all in perspective I have NO reason to complain. My struggles so far have been minor.

6 days past O.:Whistle: and trying not to think about it too much. No symptoms to speak of, except trouble sleeping.

Tony takes Aikido and promoted to last que of blue belt last night. He did so well at the promotion and I could tell he was happy with himself. He worked with some of the kids in the class and I couldn't stop thinking about how he would make a great dad.

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This weekend is Tony and my 7th anniversary. We are planning a dinner at the restaurant at Edgewood Golf Course. It is a famous golf course here which overlooks Lake Tahoe. Our anniversary is on Sunday, so that is the plan for the evening, but during the day will be FOOTBALL!

Not much change with TWW symptoms. I had some mild cramping this morning, which isn't all that unusual, and my BBs are still sore, but not as sore as they have been in the past. I had a nasty migraine last night, but I think I'll chalk it up to stress instead of an actual symptom. I guess my resolution to deal better with my everyday stress hasn't gone very well. I'm trying to keep as busy as possible and not think too long or too hard, THIS COULD BE THE MONTH!!! Ha, ha, easier said than done!

:yoddle::ninja::photo:

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I have been seriously neglecting my fertility friend chart. I know I O'ed, I guess that is the most important. I'm trying to sort through why I don't want to chart. I think I would rather hold out hope until the witch arrives than to spend time and energy charting every twinge, watching that temp go up and down and question could I be/could not be. Without charting I just either get aunt flo or not. I have to stop stressing about getting pregnant.

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Today is our 7th anniversary. Sweet Tony brought me the most beautiful red roses when he got home from work last night. I wish I could give him the present of being pregnant.:(

I just don't feel very positive this month. I still haven't been temping, but when I take my temp randomly throughout the day it is fairly low. And my BB don't even feel as sore as they did last month.

My sister called yesterday and said I needed to have a baby. She doesn't know we have been TTC. She is younger with two children, a girl 4 and a boy 3 months. It came fairly easy to her to get pregnant. She told me my mother thinks we will never have kids (by choice). They both live 2,000 miles away. I don't want them knowing about our TTC struggles because I don't want to have to keep them constantly posted about what's going on and my mother is nosy enough to insist on weekly reports. It made me sad though hearing from my sister about all the great stuff I'm missing out on by not being a mom.

Wow, major pity party today. We are going out to that great dinner tonight, so I'm going to take some time and try to get into a more positive space.

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Tony and I ended up having the nicest anniversary dinner. The food was amazing and the service was top rate. Monday was a holiday and I took Tuesday off, so it was a very relaxing 4 day weekend.

This morning I took my temp and it is well below the coverline. I also started spotting. I knew this wasn't going to be the month, but I was holding out the littlest of hope. When I told Tony, he said it just still isn't our time. I did figure out this cycle I could get a BFP by Valentine's day and have a Halloween due date. That would be fun! I'm going to try and stay as positive as possible, but I know these next few days as AF comes full force will be difficult.

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Well. I started AF full force on Friday and was so upset I decided to go home from work. I stayed on the couch most of the day feeling sorry for myself. I have been progressively getting better since then. I want this month to be it, I don't want to wait any longer. Tony is so patient and so sure it will happen when it's supposed to. I can't get over the feeling something is wrong with one of us. I don't know if it is intuition or pessimism. I have been trying to surround myself with positive things and people. Part of me thinks I am obsessing too much, but in hopes of feeling more control, I decided to chart again this cycle. I guess time will tell!

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Last night I went to belly dancing class. It is a great class, I have so much fun and feel great about myself afterwards. There is a pregnant woman also taking the class. She has the perfect little baby bump and I try not to stare at her too much thinking why can't that be me??

I became overtaken yesterday with this positive feeling about this cycle. I'm not even close to O, so we'll see how I feel then, but so far so good. I have been doing the craziest things that really aren't me, like I made a fertility bracelet (roze quartz and moonstone beads which supposedly promote fertility), set my wallpaper on the computer to a picture of kokopelli (native american fertility symbol), meditating and considering a yoga for fertility class. Yep, I've officially lost it. But WHAT IF???

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I had a talk with Tony to gear him up for the BD weekend! I usually ovulate on day 11 or 12 of my cycle and have 26 to 27 day cycle. Today is day six and I told him I want to fit as much baby dancing as possible between day 9 and day 14. It will be five days of luvvvvvv (LOL!)

I ordered some preseed and got an email that said it has been shipped, so I'm hoping it will arrive by Friday! Tony has been taking his vitamins and continually reminds me to get my veggies and exercise in as well. I did go to the gym this morning and I have dance class tonight. It is still snowing like crazy here so I am hoping we will be snowed in for the weekend. And Sunday is SUPERBOWL!!! It is so nice to have little things to look forward to.

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I was in the worst mood today. Absolutely everything was irritating the hell out of me. I wish I could blame it on PMS (or pregnancy!), but way too early for that. I know TTC is affecting me more than I'm willing to admit and I think it is definitely affecting my job. I want to work on stress and start going to either the gym more regularly or yoga class. Unfortunately tonight it was so windy and snowy I didn't want to get back out after I made it home. I saw three car accidents just driving down the highway. If I could be sure everyone else out there knew how to drive in the snow it wouldn't be a big deal, but I can't trust all the tourists here! I've been listening to guided meditations and I have been sleeping a lot better. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

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I'm in such a more positive state of mind today! I have no idea what was going on yesterday. Maybe it's cause it's Friday:bigwink:

Going to spend the weekend sprucing up the bedroom. I bought some new curtains and I'm tossing around the idea of new bedspread. Let the babymaking begin!

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I'm am so mad! I ordered preseed and it arrived on Friday at the post office, but apparently it wouldn't fit in our PO box, so we have to pick it up at the counter. Well, I didn't know until late Friday it had arrived so I wasn't able to pick it up. I went to the post office today, but it was closed. Instead of looking at the hours, I just assumed it was closed all day. Well it WAS open for several hours, but I missed them. So my preseed is sitting there until Monday:(.

I got some Mucinex at the store and started taking them today. I got EWCM more than I probably ever had, so yay for that! My temp went slightly down today but I hope I don't ovulate already. Day 9 or 10 seems way to early. I will have to watch and see.

I put the new curtains up in our bedroom, changed the sheets to some really nice ones which I sprayed with linen spray and put candles all round. Tony seemed to like it, leading to very fun :lovebed:!!! It is snowing yet again, so we will spend most of tomorrow morning laying around in bed. I can't wait!

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The weekend went very well except the whole preseed thing. It snowed another foot, so Tony was busy shoveling us out yesterday to go to our friend's house for the superbowl. We had such a fun relaxing time and then came home and had some babydancing! It is a snow day at school today so I am catching up on paperwork I was behind in. I feel so happy and positive today. Wow, mood swings are getting bad!!!

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YAY! Cycle day 12 with ovulation pain. I'm sure I'm going to have a high temp tomorrow. Tony and I DTD again last night, so I am hoping all those spermies are just swimming around waiting for that egg! We used preseed, which we both liked and I'm still taking Mucinex until I get a confirmed O. I bought red raspberry leaf tea and raw honey at the healthfood store. Both are supposed to help with uterine lining and other lovely fertile things (bee pollen in the honey).

I'm maintaining my positive outlook and so is Tony. I REALLY hope this is the month!

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ERRRRRRR, no high temp this morning. I was so sure I ovulated. I took off a few hours and went home and attacked poor Tony. He wasn't sure what to think about me surprising him in the middle of the day and demanding sex! I just really want this month to be the one. We DTD then talked about baby names. We are leaning toward a German first name (my heritage) and an Inuit middle name (his heritage). I am so anxious and feel so positive that this cycle will be it for us! I keep daydreaming about telling everyone and keep mentally rearranging our spare room into a nursery. I want to shout out to my tubes, "release that egg already!" That temp has just GOT to be high tomorrow!!!

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HIGH TEMP TODAY!!!!!!!!!!:yahoo:

I still think I ovulated on Tuesday. Either way, I think our BD timing was right on. And hopefully the preseed helped as well.

I still feel really confident this cycle. I'm cramping a little bit today, which I'm going to take as a good sign. And I have sore BBs. I told Tony I could test in a couple of weeks, but I'm hoping to test before then to be able to surprise him with a BFP!! I don't want to focus to much on my symptoms, just because I don't want to come back here in a month and seem like a fool for "imagining" symptoms, so I'm just going to focus on feeling good through the next few weeks.

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I got crosshairs this morning, with Wednesday being O day. I still swear it was Tuesday. I still feel very positive and so does Tony. But just in case I am not pregnant this month, I've been considering taking a break for a cycle, just to relax a little bit. I have a good friend who moved to Portland last year and I would like to go and see her. I am going to need something to look forward to and a plan, or getting AF will be devastating. But enough of that kind of talk..... I WILL be pregnant this month!!

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Sitting here at 5DPO and trying not to think about it too much! My BBs are getting worse by the day (sore wise) but since that really isn't all that unusual to me, I'm not taking it much into account. I had some cramping today which is supposed to be a good sign. I'm trying to just stay happy and stay in the moment. I was looking at baby nursery designs already and asked Tony if he thought I was jinxing it. He said we have to think about it sometime, don't we? He is so right! I love he is being so supportive and he really wants this as much (if not more!) than I do!!!!

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I haven't been journaling a lot, but there isn't much to tell. I'm in a holding pattern until Monday, which is when AF is due. I haven't felt very positive in the last couple of days. AF symptoms abound, and I just don't feel pregnant. I know I am just preparing myself for the worst, but it still sucks to be negative.

Valentine's day was good but uneventful. Tony loved the pics I took for him. I was really happy with the way they turned out. Monday is a holiday and I am so looking forward to a long weekend. It will help, too, if AF rears her ugly head I will be able to be at home to deal with it instead of trying to keep a happy face at work.

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I wish I was feeling more positive today, but I'm not. I've been really cramping, which is unusual. My temp tanked this morning, but I took it way early (almost 2 hours earlier) so I hope it was just a fluke. I told Tony I didn't have a good feeling about it this month anymore, but he said we aren't out yet, so he wasn't giving up. I so hope I am wrong. I keep hearing all of these stories where women just gave up trying and that's when they ended up getting pregnant. Though I would like to take a break if this cycle isn't it, I'm just not ready to completely give up.

I haven't really talked about it here, but I have been on Zoloft since August. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years but have resisted taking meds. In August it got bad, so I started medication and counseling. Both have helped tremendously. Even though I have my moments, I feel better than I have in a really long time. I have made the hard decision of not giving up the meds while TTC. If/when I get pregnant, I plan to discuss with an OB if I can stay on the meds. I think a happy momma might outweigh any slight risks the medication may cause. I know this is the right decision for me, but sometimes I battle with the idea that this is the reason we haven't gotten pregnant yet.

I want a BFP more than I ever thought I did, especially since the rest of my life seems to be falling into place. Tony and my marriage is stronger than ever, we are financially good, my job would be ok to continue while pregnant and after baby, Tony is excited, ready and willing, and our families can't wait! So why isn't God thinking the same?

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After feeling horribly negative in the last four or five days, last night I had a strange change of heart. I was having major cramping which is pretty unusual for me. In fact I was thinking about posting a thread asking what I could take for it safely in the TWW. It eventually subsided, but I got this feeling maybe it was implantation. I know I could very possibly be setting myself up for a huge downfall, but right now I'm just going to ride the wave of hopefulness. I have had minor cramps on and off today, but no spotting so far and I almost always have something on 11 DPO. I'm trying to relax as much as possible and see what happens. I didn't temp this morning just so I could hold on to hope.

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*sigh*

I'm spotting, so this month is out. I will temp tomorrow just in case, but I no longer have any hope. I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm considering taking a break. Right now I just feel like wallowing.

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AF is definitely here, right on time. I'm very frustrated.

I'm going to continue to chart, so if we eventually need to go to an RE, I will have a long record of my cycles. In fact I upgraded FF so I will be able to chart lots of other symptoms, etc.

I am also considering acupuncture since my insurance covers it. Less stress would be great even if it does nothing for fertility. Tony isn't sure if he wants to go get an SA. I'm not going to push him, I will let him decide.

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Not much to tell, which is why I haven't written in awhile. Tony and I have been so sick with a cold. We spent the whole weekend on the couch and pumped full of cold medicine. SUCKS!

I'm trying to be pretty relaxed this cycle. I should ovulate on Thursday or Friday, so hopefully I can maintain the laidback attitude through the 2WW. Still going to use Mucinex and the rest of the preseed from last month. We are having guests come in on Sunday, so I hope I have ovulated by then!

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I know, I'm a slack, slack, slacker on my journal! But the truth is, not a whole lot has been happening!

I think I O'd Saturday or Sunday. Had O pains on Saturday, so we'll see what FF thinks. Tony and I had a great heart to heart talk on Friday (and Saturday, it was a long talk!) and it felt good to know how much he supports me and how much he wants a baby, too.

I'm gearing myself up for another two week wait. I'm going to try and stay chill about it this month, not too hopeful, but not too negative either!

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YAY! I got crosshairs today! FF rates our timing as good and says a due date would be the end of November, which is Tony's birthday. I am trying not to get my hopes up, but I've decided to just let the emotions happen. I can test next Thursday if AF doesn't show up by then.

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I took a mental health day off from work today. I've been under a lot of stress there lately and just needed to regroup. I wasn't very productive, but I feel a million times better.

No symptoms as of yet, just counting down the days to testing!

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Seven days past O. My breasts hurt like hell and I'm really crampy today. But I'm not supposed to look into symptoms:cool:.

I'm feeling nice and positive. Just 5 days to go and I'll know either way. Tony is so patient. Today at lunch he kept belaboring the point that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Of course he doesn't constantly think of his drying up eggs and ticking time bomb of a clock! I should learn from him and take a relaxed attitude, but damnit, I want to be pregnant NOW!

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10 DPO and a huge temp drop today. I wonder if I'm not 11 DPO. I have cramps and feel like AF is going to come any minute. I'm discouraged yet again. I'm not sure about this upcoming month. I don't want to be 9 months pregnant in the middle of winter, as the snow and ice here are awful. Maybe a break is what we need, and try again after my birthday which is at the end of next month.

:bawl:

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Well, my temp went back up above the coverline today, but not enough for me to be convinced there is still hope this cycle. I'm considering putting temping on hold. I know I'm ovulating, I know what day I usually do, and I know how long my LP is. I think the temping is stressing me out more than just getting AF already.

I haven't decided where to go from here. I feel very discouraged. I think I am avoiding the doctor because I just don't want to truly accept we may need intervention to have a baby.

I've been trying to plan some things to make me feel better once AF arrives, but nothing sounds as good as a BFP.

:(:(:(

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I'm back after a much needed break. I do feel I am in a better mindset. There has been so many BFPs on the boards I'm usually on that I just couldn't take it anymore. I am currently on cycle day 10 and should ovulate in the next couple of days. If I don't get pregnant this cycle, I will try and positively move on to the next cycle. Tony and I have booked a room in a lodge on the other side of Lake Tahoe for my ovulating days in April. Well, really to celebrate my birthday, but it just happened to coincide with my ovulation days. We have a lake front room with a king size bed, private balcony, and fireplace. It should be relaxing and romantic.

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Posts: 65

AF is due in three days and I feel her lurking at the door. :confused:

Tony and I decided we will go to the doctor if no BFP after next cycle. I'm going to focus on losing some weight before then. I have to go to a training for work May 19-24 which will be physically demanding and I want to be ready for it.

I start a new work assignment in several weeks which I hope will distract me from the TTC obsession. I think it's unhealthy how much I focus on it.

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Last seen: 5 years 4 months ago
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Posts: 65

Cycle day #1 , AF found me. TOTALLY SUCKS! I was super sad yesterday and cried a lot. Tony didn't know what to do with me, since I rarely cry. He kept trying his best to cheer me up. Sweet man. I am excited we are going to the north shore for my birthday and relaxing in that big suite overlooking the lake. I'm trying not to look to far into the future, but May and June aren't going to be easy to try in, since I have to travel for work and we will be having house guests. I hope this cycle is it!

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I've been so lax on my journal writing. I think a part of me was hoping it would just eventually become a pregnancy journal. But since THAT hasn't happened:rolleyes:, here I am!

I got a reassignment at work and am now working with adult drug addicts. Much different than teenagers (well, in some aspects). I'm back to having an office at our main office instead of the high school where I was at before. I feel a million more times organized and have a chance to really take care of myself through out the day. I am also so busy the day just flies by and I barely realize I have been at work. All this has been very good for my mental state and well being!

No baby yet. This cycle I was a whole day late and even Tony was convinced we might have actually done it. But the witch came and both of us were pretty upset. I called the doctor and have a infertility consultation on the 16th. I'm not sure what to expect, but I feel like we are spinning our wheels. I have a feeling he is going to tell me to lose some weight, so I'm already starting to eat a little healthier and trying to exercise more. The weather seems to be getting better by the day, so taking walks and other outdoor activities will be easier.

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Well, here I still am. I went to the doctor and am going through some testing and using OPKs. I am so sad it has come to this, but I hope we get some answers. More details to follow.