June 16th, 2005 (CD 47 Cycle#2)
I wonder how many of these TTC journals begin for the reason mine is?
I am so irritated and frustrated and sick of this waiting game, but I don't feel like I can go to my board and vent, as supportive as the girls there are, and complain about not being pregnant yet. I've only been at this a little less than three months; this is actually only our second try at getting pregnant, because I had such a long cycle the first go round. There are girls on my board who have been trying for years, some of whom have had multiple miscarriages, and for the most part, you don't hear them complaining; what right do I have to whine and moan and groan because I haven't gotten my BFP? I have a really good friend, I actually met her on the boards, but she's pregnant herself, and having a rough time with it so far; Lord bless her, she listens whenever I need her to, but I hate whining to her. She's got so much else to deal with, right now, I feel bad loading her up with my issues. But I have to vent somewhere; I can't bottle things up, they always end up leaking out in angry outburts at my husband and Audrey and Stephen, and that's not fair. So, here I am.
I've wanted a baby since I was 13 years old. I've always been a dreamer, and I've always been a baby person, and so it seems like my dreams have always been about babies. Makes sense, eh? Babies are soft, and they smell sweet, and they don't really give a hoot about what they look like or what people think about them. They just are, and I've always wanted to be a part of that. There's never been a shortage of little people in my life; I've been babysitting since I was eleven years old, I worked in daycare for 2 1/2 years, and I've been raising my dss since he was less then two years old. You would think that I would be at least relatively happy to wait until God or whoever is in charge of these things decides that it's my turn to have a baby. Everybody tells me I should be; after all, Stephen was a baby when I got him, it's not like I've never had one to take care of, right? Yeah, I know that. I've been through all the stages, from diapers and potty training to the first day of preschool, but it doesn't make me want a child of my own any less. I don't love Stephen and Audrey any less because I didn't give birth to them; they are mine, to the end of time, and a baby isn't going to change that. But the fact is, I DO want a baby, so bad I can almost feel him/her in my arms, sometimes.
I've always hated the fact that I look so much like my father, especially in the last few years when the split between us has become so much wider and so much more permanent; I have always said that when we had a baby, I wanted him/her to look just like Paul. Stephen and Audrey are both the spitting image of their dad, and they're both gorgeous, so it wouldn't be a bad thing thing at all for our baby to look like him, too. But then, I keep thinking that as much as I look like my father, HE looks just like his father, and I couldn't ask for better than him. I worshipped the ground my grandfather walked on and even though family problems have made it so that I haven't been able to see him since I was 10 years old, he is still one of the most vivid memories of love from my childhood. The older I get, the more I think I could be content to have a child who looks like me, because that means that he/she would look like my grandfather, too.
June 20th will begin month 3 of my journey toward having a baby. Three months isn't so long in the grand scheme of things, but I wonder what it will feel like if it ends up being 6 months or a year or two years? Will it feel like nothing or will it feel like forever? I'm guess I don't have any choice but to wait and find out.