You want me to check WHAT?!?!

Ok, greetings! I'm starting my first ttc journal.

(Hopefully this doesn't go on forever, and I can start a baby-baking journal)

Anyways, Hi.

Ok, I can see I'm doing it already, so let's start this with a disclaimer.

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Warning! This is my journal. I tend to type exactly what I think when I think it, with little editing or revising. This way, you will get to see really who I am and what I am like. However, that being said, prepare yourself for the following:

1)ADD: Although I've never been officially titled with ADD, I have the bad habit of being in the middle of a sent---oh look shiny shiny!---where was I?

Exactly.

2)Profanity: I will, however, try to sensor this as I enjoy being a member of PG.org and don't want it revoked. However, there will probably little left to the imagination and substitute words are likely to be used.

3)TMI: There is little I don't share with people. Your final warning.

4)Random topics: I live a very random life

5)Spelling errors: I type at a very high rate of speed (something like 80wpm) and occasionally there are errors....and sometimes, I just don't know how to spell a word. I also have a penchant for using "....." to change subjects. If you don't like it. Stop reading!

6)Humor: Life is a big joke and if you don't get it, you're going to be very sad. You may want to go to the bathroom before you start reading.

7)Personal life: Hey, you might have found me and realized that you know me. That's cool. However, don't freak out if I talk about you, because you are part of my life. If you didn't want to know, why'd you google me and go looking for stuff about me?


Ok, warning over.
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About me:

I am a girl. I married a boy. I went to college and then after 5 years and 4 majors, I left to persue a career and earn money to finish my degrees. I realize that kids can hinder this, and I realize that a college education is important. I've heard all of this before from my mother, my grandmother, my brother, my father, and my employer.

Currently, I'm a full-time nanny and I'm an assistant camp director.

The boy. He went to school for computer technology. Then he decided he wanted to be a chef. What a jump, right? So he's working full time for the catering company that runs the dining hall at his old college. We talked about it and realized that we weren't going to spend tons of money to send him to culinary school when he's not sure that's what he wants to do. So he's working for a while doing culinary arts and catering and if he really flourishes doing it, he's going to persue a degree in it.

We were married last October. We decided in January that if we are meant to have kids, we will have them and I went off the pill in January. We're not actively trying (such as saying "Oh! we need to bd every other day--even if we don't feel like it right now") but are more in the mindset of "let's go about our lives and see what happens".

This, however, doesn't mean that I'm not going to temp. I want to know what's going on with my body. This way, if we get to the point of actively ttc, I know what my body does normally and what to expect from my uterus.

So, that's the intro. Right now I'm on day 40 of a very long cycle. I thought I had ovulated and turns out, according to fertility friend, I didn't. But lo and behold, apparently I just did (something like 5 or 6 days ago?) so we'll see how that works out, eh?

Whats with the title, you ask? I said that outloud when I first read Taking Charge of Your Fertility as I read about cervical mucus.

Quite often you'll find me on the TTC for the first time board, but I've been known to pop up here and there across the board.

Meanwhile, I think that's enough for today. I'll just leave you with this.

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't, You're right"
(Stewie on Family Guy)

Peace out Girl Scout!
*Mandie*

Ok.

So. Here I sit, hand on my uterus (nope--no signs of life---) thinking about how we are going to put our baby in the dining room.

I am going to be the mom and Matt is going to be the dad of a dining room baby.

I wonder what style of silverwear goes with diapers?

Ok, before you think too poorly of me, let me explain :-D

Matt and I have no doors. No, I'm talking about philosophical doors, I'm not talking about metaphorical doors. I'm talking about physical doors that shut and lock. We have a total of 4 doors in our apartment. The back screen door, the back solid door, the front solid door and the bathroom door. 4 doors in an apartment. What a life, huh? We have a really pretty curtain door between the living room and the bedroom, but since its just the two of us and we've yet to have an overnight visitor, it never goes shut. We live in the first floor of a old-style 2 story house, so our bedroom is what used to be the front parlor room (thankfully, it's HUGE), the living room is what used to be the family room, the dining room is the same and the kitchen is the same. The bathroom is what used to be 2 little rooms, the bathroom and the utility room.

So, being newlyweds, we move into this terrific (no sarcasm here) apartment that's a great deal and very convient (close to work, LOVE the upstairs neighbor **one of my best friends**) and we can find/have furniture for the bedroom (CHECK CHECK! ;-) ) the living room, the kitchen (what little we needed for that that wasn't already here), but the dining room? Boxes, a microwave and a filing cabinet.

So it may be the dining room, but there's nothing but boxes and such.

We've talked about it and we have no desire to move. The rent is reasonable (I mean, all utilities **even high speed internet!** is included) and we're settled in. Why move? So we thought about where we'd stick a baby and the most resonable place is the dining room.

So yes, my baby is going to live in the dining room.

FAN-TASTIC :-)

As if our kids needed any other reasons to be strange, growing up in the dining room will seal the deal 8)

Well, it beats the bathroom, right? ;-)

Today...well, it's been...

well.


Frankly I'm :blowup:

I was told today that I don't care about the kids.

WHAT THE HELL

I spend more time with her kids than I do my own husband, my alone time, my family.....

6:30am-5:30pm = 11 hours a day
11 hours a day X 5 days a week = 55 hours

I spend 55 hours a week with her children.

I have given up conferences, I have given up holidays, I have given up other jobs, jobs that pay me more $$$, jobs that have actual BENEFITS, that aren't solo-employment (meaning days off), that aren't 11 hours a day.....I fold her laundry and do her damn dishes. I clean her house.

I put up with her constant bragging about how smart her kids are and how unfair she's been treated at work.

I don't care about her kids?!?!?!?

I make doctors appointments, I take them to dr. appointments, I drive them to all of their school days, their appointments....

I took the girl to the doctors this morning because she was sick. The doctor asked me
"Has XX had a fever?"
Me: "Um, No?"
Him: "Has she been coughing?"
M: "Not since I was here at 6:30"
H: "Is she allergic to anything?"
M: "I don't think so?"

Mom decided to "Take advantage of FEMLA" and take the afternoon off since XX was sick.

She has strep, highly contagious, right? You're reading the words of someone that catches strep whenever someone even looks at me crosseyed and when I catch it, I'm in the ER at 3am, dehydrated, crying, unable to breathe with a 103 degree fever because my tonsils are **** and I catch it bad.

She gave me guilt when I said "I'm not comfortable being with herwhile she's still this contagious, I catch strep very easily and it gets really bad"

I'm sorry, you're her mother. YOU wanted to have her, YOU take care of her.

I mean, for askldflaksty sake! If I get sick, it's $20-75 copay (depending on where I have to go) with at least $20 in prescriptions, plus lab costs.

Not to mention the time off without pay (because I don't get paid for my sick days). I can't afford to get sick, if the mom HAD to work and i HAD to be there with the kids, that'd be one thing. But when she told me that she wanted me to STAY with her and XX, even though she took time off of work already????

Livid.

:sighs:

I might post more uplifting topics later, but I'm really irked right now.

:blowup:

WAHOO!!

Totally OT

But I've got a second pencil. (Or should...I do think this is my 400th post)

Yay for me.

Waaaaait, does that make me a dork that spends all my free time on internet boards?

I think it does, but I embrace it fully.

Night ya'll!

Wow...so much has happened in the past week....

I went and vented about my boss and how stupid she is :-)

Well, guess who came down with strep?? That's right, yours truly. Wed. morning I woke

up with a slight sore throat. By noon I had a 99.8 fever and a more sore throat. By

2, I had a 102.something fever and a very sore throat. By the time I saw the doctor

at 7, I had a 103.8 fever.

I so called it :-D

They tested me for pregnancy, although I told them it would be pointless....A, I was

8dpo at the time, even if I WAS, i had been drinking water and such ALL DAY and

subsequently, been peeing ALL DAY and I wasn't going to have enough HGC to

register.....

Pregnancy: Negative.

Then they tested me for strep....

Strep: Negative

Then, she tried to convince me I had the flu. I told her, with all due respect, I

haven't thrown up at all....she told me I sounded congested...I told her I wasn't...it

was my throat that sounded that way. She told me she was almost 100% positive it was

the flu and therefore wanted to test me for the flu. Keeping in mind, I was in and

out of lucidity (having a 103 + fever) when they stuck that swab up my nose and into

my brain for the damn flu test, I about passed out.

And then, I threw up.

God I love my husband....he just kept hold of the bucket with one hand, kept me

upright with the other and kept saying "its ok honey..."

I threw up and the doctor looked smug.

Flu Test: Negative.

HA HA Dr. HA HA

So basically, she didn't know what in the WORLD was wrong with me, but gave me some

advil and an order for another throat test.

I took the order and went home....

I woke up at 2:30 am with a 102 something fever and a LOT of pain. So, basically, I

said screw this. I went and got the lab...she said it would take a couple of DAYS to

get the results.... I went home, curled up on the couch and decided I couldn't handle

living with this pain for a couple of days....

I made an appointment with MY dr (not some hokey late-night clinic one) and he looked

at me and said "Obviously something is wrong... and it's not the flu" He thought

mono, so they drew blood and then he gave me anti-biotics to start taking just in

case.

So I've been recovering from this mystery illness since Wednesday.

At some point, the :witch: showed up....which, I'm glad it was while I was sick because I was too preoccupied to be that disappointed. I'm a little irked though because now I'm possibly embarking on another terribly long and fruitless cycle....

And, of course, every cycle that goes by that is crazy/long/fruitless/etc, it makes me worry a little bit more.

In other news: We went to the park today with Candace and Tarr. Had TONS of fun....Candace and I took turns being crazy photographer and pouty model. Fantastic, eh? ;-)

Matt even got into it and started being a little crazy. Crazy man!

But that's why I love him.

Todays Quote:
"Oooo! Porn in the park!" -- Matt (in response to Candace shaking her butt)

So, I had a dream last night.

I had a baby, but I kept losing it.

"Ooooo cooochie cooochie cooo! Look shiny object-- (10 minutes passes by) Wait...isn't there a baby around here somewhere?"

Very strange.

I'm a little perplexed about all things below the belt right now....my period lasted all of a day and a half. No, not joking in the slightest. Day and a half.

44 days no period, 1.5 day-long period. Something is a miss here.

Oh! and my temp this morning was 97.9, WAAAAY above my coverline, I've asked my "guides" on FF as to where I should go from here. Am I on CD 4 or am I 12 DPO?

I don't know whats up with me, but my orange chicken doesn't even taste good.

Damn illness! You've ruined my panda express!

You know how they say that the time will be right when it happens? That it's not happening because it's not meant to happen.

I'm trying to figure out what giant cosmic mission I'm on...what exactly is my holy grail of sorts?

Maybe I'm just meant to enjoy marriage.

Maybe I'm meant to experience life without strings and such right now.

It doesn't help though, believing I'm on some cosmic journey.

I think tomorrow, at some point, I am going to buy a journal. A real, paper and cover, nicely bound, nothing but a journal journal.

A journal to write about everything. My job, my marriage, the itch on my left foot.

Maybe that's my cosmic holy grail.

To journal about my life, to write down enough material to fuel a couple of years of stand-up success.

Or maybe I'll just end up being arrested at the Island of Aaaarrggh for shooting a historian.

(And if you know where I'm at with that reference, bonus points to you)

It doesn't help, though, you know....being around kids. I drive through town, windows down, singing with Ben in the backseat (trying to sing along) and I just feel the massive hole where our kids should be. I am a woman on a mission to have a baby and I have a job where my backseat is full of carseats and booster seats.

Almost a cruel joke, isn't it?

But I can't help but believe that I've been put in this job for a reason...I've been put here to make some sort of an impact on these two kids, to be some sort of a role model that they aren't getting other places. Maybe my job is just to make sure they don't hurt themselves or each other, I don't know....I just know that its painful having a carseat on the weekends with no little body to fill it.

Speaking of the job, I arrived this morning after recieving a phone call saying they had just finished 1.5 hours of homework and about how crazy and stupid that was.

Of course, my first thought is not about how cruel that is (that amount of hw) or about how stupid that is that she's been assigned so much.

My first thought is "why did you wait til Monday night to do it?" and "Of course it took that long, she drags her feet when doing her hw".

So I arrive and find out that it took 1.5 hours to do a booklet that was maybe 6 or 8 pages long. And the best part is: they didn't even do all of the hw. There were exercises that her mother felt were "so stupid" that it was "pointless to be bothered to do them". Now, THAT'S a great example to be setting. "Sweetheart, if you don't like your homework, you don't have to do it"

The girl-genius is going to have some serious issues when she hits the real world.

Of course, if things go her way, she can avoid it all together, like some people I know.

Well....

so I bought my journal. It's amazing how theraputic writing can be. I officially have 3 blogs/journals now (that I write in).

My myspace blog is more social commentary on current events, with a humorous spin for the entertainment value of my friends.

This blog is the account of all things baby-making (with some humorous side-stories)

My journal is more of the deep dark secrets of my life. Stuff that is theraputic for me to get off my chest, but for the good of the general public, probably better that no one else reads it.

A lot of writing, a lot of venting, but overall....I think I'm better for it.

I don't know why, but I've been kind of a social recluse lately, which is amazing because it's getting warmer and we're getting into my favorite season...all points should point towards happy mandie, but they are kind of making me just draw the curtains and hide in my little cave.

Ok, time to come onto the TTC topics. We've been going at it bunny-style...a little fruitless because of the fact that apparently I don't ever EVER O before cd 201239 (or, you know cd 35) but, hey..it's been fun.

I've got some serious cramps that's causing me quite a bit of pain. However, I also seem to be having some serious gas, so I can't tell if it's gas cramps or if it's actual uterus cramps.

I still can't over the fact that I had a 44 day cycle and then about a day and a half of a period. That can't be normal, can it?

This cycle, My goal is literally to just let it go and see what happens. Why the change in beliefs? No, it's not that we don't want a baby anymore..its not that we're any less into the idea of having kids...

Honestly? I would rather not have a December baby. I mean, if I do, I do...but it's not a big deal for me to have one in December and I'd rather NOT, but whatever.

....of course, it would be a tax deduction for this year... :-)

:slaps her own hand: NO! Babies aren't bags of money. :laughs: I don't know, I just would rather not have one in the dead of winter, mostly because of bad weather. I mean, for pancake's sake, I live in Indiana. It could be 75 in December, we could have 7.5 feet of snow.

Ok, enough rambling, I have to get jetting, I've got a half day ahead of me and lots lots lots to do!

Peace out Girl Scouts!
*Me*

Well.

Here I am.

Eating cheesticks at 10am on my day off.

I really want to go shopping, but we don't need to buy anything.


We've been going at it like rabid little bunnies lately....I wonder if this will be the month?

Is it bad that part of me kind of doesn't want it to be the month, because a)I've always kind of felt bad for kids with December birthdays and b)I am terrified of going into labor in a snowstorm and having it in the car/house/etc?

I know I shouldn't be picky and choosy, but still....that scares the crap out of me.

However, if I did O when it looks like I might of, my EDD would be 12/9, 3 days after my dad's birthday. What a good present for him that would be, eh?

So last night---

I was IRKED.

I had told matt that I was likely to ovulate yesterday or today (I think it might be today) and we should DTD last night.

He got smashed up.

I didn't even try to DTD with him.

So upset....I temp and chart and check everything everyday....to find a 3 day window and then, he gets drunk on probably the prime day.

I was irked.

I couldn't even bring myself to just DTD, even if I knew we were probably on or near O day...because I'd always think that (assuming I got pg) that our child was concieved in angry sex....

Does that make me wierd?