You want me to check WHAT?!?! - Page 4
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Thread: You want me to check WHAT?!?!

  1. #31
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    Ok, just to warn you, I'm very much having a pity party right now...but if you can't vent in your own journal, when can you vent?

    I am bored. I need a job. When I'm bored, I think about babies. I know how completely stupid it is to want a baby more when you don't have a job. I yell at myself for even wanting a baby when I'm not working. Matt is though, and I know it won't be long before I'll be working.

    Here's the thing, I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a decision and on one hand, I really want to have a baby now. I want a baby for a number of reasons, not all of which I think may be the right ones.

    I want a baby because I want to bring a child into this world. I want to make something wonderful, to bring hope into the world. I want to make something wonderful with my husband. I want to make my parents grandparents, to make my grandparents great grandparents. I want to bring someone into this world and teach them how to make good decisions, to make a difference, to change things for the better. I want to teach someone the value of hard work, loyalty, the beauty if everyone and in everything. I want to show them how to have fun on a rainy day, how to work with your hands and to teach them how to bring joy into their world.

    I want to teach someone to tell jokes, to cook brownies and to sing songs.

    I want to teach someone to love others and to teach them how to feel loved without guilt.

    These things are true whether we have a baby this year or 10 years from now. But I want one now, at least in some ways. These are the selfish reasons.

    I want to have a baby now so it can grow up with the other babies in our lives. Basically, I want to have a baby because my friends are having a babies and I want our children to have good friends. I want to go through this with my friends before they are too busy to be there for me when I'm going through this and terrified beyond my wildest imagination.

    I want to have a baby now to prove to myself that I can.

    I'm sitting on almost a year of unprotected sex and I'm still a bleeder, not a breeder. That's wierd to say. I've been having "careless" sex for almost a year now and I've had no problems.

    I want to have a baby now because I'm terrified of not having one.

    There is no doubt in my mind that I want kids. I know Matt wants kids. I want to provide all of life's greatest experiences for another human being. I want to hold a new life in my hands knowing that if it weren't for me, they'd not exist. I want to see what it would look like when Matt and I's genetics blend together.

    I know its incredibly selfish to want one without having to pay lots of money and deal with lots of heartache over infertility.

    I want a baby now because I want to make sure I can.

    I also don't want to have a baby. I don't want one now because I am terrified I might not be a good mom, that I might be too selfish, that we won't be able to provide what we want to provide. I like sleeping til noon when I can, I like staying up til 3am because I can. I like drinking a margarita on a hot evening and not feeling guilty about it. I like making easy mac for dinner because I'm too tired to make anything more than that.

    But the life isn't fulfilling... Margaritas are fun, but not what I want to do with my life. Sleeping in IS nice, but I know I can do without that. There is nothing in our life right now that I can't leave without (when it comes to my reasons to not wanting a baby right now).

    I am happy for my friends, I am happy for everyone that finds out they are PG, esp if they are REALLY wanting a baby.

    I have many reasons why I want a baby right now.

    I have few reasons why I don't.

    TTC#1 since 12/06----bfp 10/08, m/c 11/08
    1st RE appt: dx with pcos and mfi. Joy.
    2nd Surprise natural bfp: 3/10---Luke, born 11/10!
    TTC#2 since 12/10

  2. #32
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    Well, here I am...a full 24 hours after the infamous night of debauchery and I'm still paying for it.

    Yesterday, we decided to celebrate (and by "we" I mean our friend/neighbor/boss and then she convinced us) the fact that we are young, free and 21. Wait, is that the phrase my dad used to use all the time? Anyways, it's 4:30 am, I can't reminise that well.

    Where was I?

    Oh yeah, so we had a party Friday night and we all had a bit to drink. Some of us, namely myself, had a lot to drink. That decision has haunted me all day...trust me. I practically finished off a whole bottle of jack myself. Yes it was a stupid decision, no I don't drink often and Yes, I'm sorry I did it.

    But I'm only kind of sorry that I was able to do it.

    For those of you that read my journal (although I'm not sure if there really is anyone anymore, I haven't been very diligent about updating it) I go back and forth about wanting a baby now vs. wanting a baby later. Last night it was wanting a baby later. Or maybe I was ok with drinking that much because I want a baby now and I don't have one.

    Regardless-the hangover I feel today is both emotional and physical.

    One of my friends is likely in labor as we speak (or perhaps already had the baby). Another friend of mine is due in 8 days.

    Life is grand.

    Although, the constant feeling of wanting to puke makes me a little happy not have to deal with Morning Sickness.

    I forgot how miserable being miserable really is

    TTC#1 since 12/06----bfp 10/08, m/c 11/08
    1st RE appt: dx with pcos and mfi. Joy.
    2nd Surprise natural bfp: 3/10---Luke, born 11/10!
    TTC#2 since 12/10

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