Okay I am sitting here at work wondering first off why I waited so long to start a journal...and secondly why the heck I waited to start it when I am at work?? Since I am at work this first entry obviously will be short.
I have been finding myself feeling a bit sorry for myself. Which is totally not me and it bothers me a lot that I am doing it. I think of all that has been going on lately and am feeling like it is pretty unfair. But I know that everyone else has the same or similar things in their lives to deal with. And I know it could always be worse...and I should be thankful for the fact that it isn't worse. But still I have been feeling sorry for myself. YUCK! Honestly I have found myself just wanting to totally give up on TTC. I realize that to some 16 months of nothing isn't much (my heart breaks when I read about those that have been trying for years and years) but to me it almost seems unbearable to think of it being any longer. I am totally falling into that "Why me?" stage. And it is driving me crazy! So now that I got that out...maybe I can figure out what to do about it. Hopefully I can figure out how to deal with it. Because I absolutely hate feeling this way...
Well I think I will end there and get back to work before I get caught.
Till next time....
This is definitely not been a good day so far!
I get to work and go to parallel park and my stupid car won't go into reverse! So when I leave to go home I am not sure what will happen.
Then about 10:30 I go to the bathroom and wham...there's AF full force. I am thinking "what the hell"? I am only on CD 26 and usually have 29 to 31 day cycles, with spotting and cramping a few days before. This time I got no forwarning at all. CRAZY! At least I didn't want to cry...I just wanted to yell obscenities. TMI~I mean Donny and I hadn't had sex in a few days and I was thinking we better because AF is coming in a few days and we won't be able to for awhile...and then she goes and shows up early! Talk about ruining my plans for the evening!
So with nothing but bad things going on so far I am predicting a third not so happy thing. Donny is supposed to find out if he got a supervisor job at work today. And my guess is he will tell me he didn't get it. What is the likelihood I will get good news now??
I just responded to a post about being frustrated with TTC. I replied and stuff just kept flowing....and flowing. And when I was done typing I felt lots better. I guess until that precise moment I didn't realize how totally frustrated I really am. So I have decided that I am officially on an extended break from TTC. I am not taking anymore Clomid, no more temping, no more CM checking...the only thing I am not giving up is BDing. I am going to mark on the calendar when AF shows each cycle and that is it! I am just going to hang out on the boards to support everyone else on their TTC journey...but I am officially not on a TTC journey as of right now. Here is is summer...and there is so much going on. And I don't want to miss a single second of it because I am stressing over TTC. I know how very very much I want to have a baby...but I have decided it isn't worthing letting everything else good in life slip past me without enjoying it to its fullest. I have a wonderful husband, family, and friends. So I am going to enjoy them and all the activities of summer without a second thought to TTC. If it is meant to happen then it will. And if it isn't meant to be...then I will just enjoy all the other children in my life. I have totally come to grips with that. I already feel like I can breathe normally again. Well I better get back to posting..lunch is half over...
Where the heck did the weekend go?? I swear the weekend is gone in the blink of an eye and the week lasts forever!
Saturday I went to my friend Teresa's to weed her flower gardens and plant new flowers in them. I can't believe that in just three weeks her little girl Chelsey will make her first appearance! I am so very happy for her. Her TTC journey was a very long one. Being 39 years old and finally getting her bundle of joy makes me feel lucky on one account and petrified on another. I feel lucky that I am only 27 and so I have plenty of time to get pg...but petrified to think I might have to wait 12 more years! I have no doubt that little Chelsey is going to be spoiled beyond belief. Between her parents and me alone! Then if you add in her other family and friends!
Mother's Day was a tough holiday this year. I keep thinking about how great it will be to actually be a mother on Mother's Day. And then I realize how afraid I am that I won't ever get to experience that.
We still don't have our Foster Parenting license. I am going to have to call my licensing worker and see if he will come back to the house to see the last of the things we needed to do. I haven't done it because Donny has started dragging his feet on his part of the paperwork. And we need to turn it in. I think it is because he is afraid that they aren't going to give us our license or that they will take it back away once they discover that he was arrested for indecent exposure. I wish the stupid court system would set the court date so we could go and get it over with. I am hoping so much that our lawyer can convince the court to throw it out. It still feels like a nightmare that can't possibly have happened to us.
Right now I am waiting for AF to show. I am on CD 30. I haven't seen anything AFish since CD 26 when there was a bunch of red on the tp mid day and then later that night when we BDed. But since then I haven't had anything. I am sure I probably just totally jinxed myself by mentioning it. After all that blood on CD 26 I thought for sure that was it. Another month gone. But now since I haven't even had any spotting or cramps since I have been letting myself think...maybe I am this time. And I know I shouldn't, that I am just going to get my hopes up to have them crushed today or tomorrow. I am actually counting down the hours until I will be on CD 32. I never go past 31. Unless I have an anno cycle, which in reality I could have had one...since I didn't temp or track CM or I don't know if I O'd. And since I haven't taken Clomid for two cycles in a row the chances are pretty good that I didn't O. But the blood on CD 26 to me means only two things...I O'd and am not pregnant...or I O'd and I am. I have no doubt I will be totally crazy and probably in tears by the end of tomorrow night. Which is precisely why this is the last cycle I am doing this to myself for awhile.
Well lunch is almost over...better get back to work. Now if today could go as fast as the weekend I will be happy!
What a day this has been!
Sis called me right before lunch in a panic. Seems baby Adam was having what looked like a muscle spasm on his whole left side. He was only doing every once and a while but it was freaking her out. So I rushed over there on lunch. And sure enough he had what looked like a big twitch kind of motion ever so often. So she took him out to see the doctor. They are not sure what could be causing it. There are such things as infant spasms...but the doctor wasn't sure that was what they are. They did however discover upon examining him that he has a hernia in his testicle. So he has to have surgery to remove the hernia from it! Sis is pretty upset and I am a little worried too. Especially since they sent her home without checking more on the spasm part of it. I told her to keep a journal of his moods, sleeping pattern, what baby food she feeds him, and when and how often those spasm occur.
Now I sit here and it is about twenty to five and I have not seen or felt any signs of AF at all. I am on day 31. I am so afraid that AF isn't showing because I didn't take the Clomid again. And I didn't O. Since I didn't chart I am not sure I O'd. So I am too scared to test in case it is an anno cycle. I really don't want to see a BFN. I went back over my complete cycle history. And I have only made it cycle day 31 one time since I started ovulating last May. Otherwise AF always showed by day 28 to 30. I am still puzzling over the blood on the tp back on CD 26. It wasn't just spotting. There was quite a bit. But then it faded away to nothing by bedtime. And I haven't seen anything since. I have no cramps and no bloating today either. I am excited because AF isn't here yet...but so afraid of the disappointment of getting a BFN if I test in the morning...or that AF will show tomorrow. I think I will wait until Friday to test. If AF hasn't shown by then she probably isn't going to...and that only means two things...I need progesterone to end an anno cycle...or I am pg. But with no pg signs at all I am leaning towards the first. Well I am going to drive myself crazy at this rate.
Okay it's now almost 12:30 on CD 32. Still no signs of AF at all. I am pretty sure she isn't going to show now. All the other cycles she was here by now...and actually was preceded with a day or two at least of spotting on the tp at least. And this time nothing. Now my only dilemna is whether she is not showing because I am pg (FINALLY) or because I skipped the Clomid 2 months in a row and because of that didn't O. I need serious help. :P I know all I need to do is take a HPT and then I will know. But I am scared to see a BFN. How silly is that since if I am not pg I am not pg. I might as well get it over with and test huh? Maybe I will in the morning. I have one HPT left from before the Clomid (from all those darn anno cycles that got my hope up). I just don't have any pg symptoms at all. Just lack of AF. I took my temp this morning out of curiosity...and it was only 97.7. Which is generally a post O temp for me. But doesn't mean much since I haven't been temping. UGHHHH!!! The frustration....
It was a disappointing weekend (which explains my lack of entries). AF finally showed up Friday morning (CD 35)! I was so disappointed. I thought for sure since AF was late I was finally pg. How dare she be late?!?! That is the first time she has been late since I have been on the Clomid. I suppose it was because I didn't take the Clomid for two months in a row. Shame on me. I think I will head out to Walmart today and get another month of Clomid. I don't think I better do another month without it.
I had come to the decision that if I didn't get pg then it was okay because we were going to be foster parents and could then hopefully adopt. But with this whole indecent exposure charge against Donny it worries me that they might not give us our license now. If they won't give us our license then we are going to have to try harder to get pg on our own. I just can't go the rest of my life without getting to be a mommy at all! I have been trying to not get stressed over all this but it is beginning to get the best of me. I was sick Saturday night and again today. I just know it is because I am worrying myself so much. I need to snap out of it and get myself motivated to do things that need done and try to forget about it. But of course that is easier said than done.
Well I better get back to work...hopefully the day goes faster than it has so far!!
~I almost forgot...I saw my sweet little nephew Hunter yesterday...and my brother cut off all his adorable blonde curls!! I can't believe it!~
Well we found out yesterday that the won't be giving us our Foster/Adoption License now. The indecent exposure charge Donny is facing is preventing them from doing so. We have been waiting for so long to be Foster Parents...and now it has been yanked away from us. Our lawyer is pretty sure she is going to get Donny acquitted...and our licensing worker says we can appeal their decision at that time...but there are no guarantees they will change there minds reguardless of the outcome of the case. So if we can't be Foster Parents so we have the option of adopting if we can't get pg on our own....we have decided that we will start looking into medical procedures to help us get pg. We weren't going to because we had decided using the money to help a child that needed it was better than spending it on the medical procedures. It is amazing how you have everything planned out and then one thing can change it all!
Sis told me today that Adam will have to have surgery next Tuesday on his testicle. They haven't fully decided if it is a hernia in it or just a cyst. They say it is a simple procedure and he should be released the same day. It is scarey to me because one they aren't for sure what it is...and secondly because he is so little. He will just be 6 months old tomorrow!
Well I think I will sign off for now....
Boy I am not any better at keeping this journal that I have been at keeping a actual writtin diary since I got out of high school!
Life has just been so very busy. Not to mention sometimes I just don't want to rehash all the disappointments that I have had recently. At least not when they are fresh on my mind. Once I have had a chance to deal a little with them, then it's okay.
I guess I am still upset about not being able to get our Foster Parenting/Adoption license. Donny seems okay with it now...but I think that is because he still has so much faith that we will get pg. Some days I don't have much hope. And right now I am feeling some pretty powerful hatred for the lady who started this whole mess that caused Donny to get charged with Indecent Exposure. I hate feeling that way about anyone...but she has just turned things so upside down. It is all I can do to refrain from calling her and telling her what an awful person she is. I wish they wouldn't have disclosed her name and stuff to us.
Not being able to get a loan for a different car has me really down as well. I keep thinking what happens when the transmission finally goes on the Saturn?? I won't have a way to get to work. And we don't have the money to get it fixed. Not too mention we still owe over $4000 on it. It is so frustrating! I only have one hope left and that is a car lot about an hour away...that says they guarantee credit to those with bad credit...or even bankruptcy (which we haven't even done).
Work is going okay...that is the only really positive thing right now. Well that and Donny and I are getting along as great as ever. I count my blessings every day that I wake up and he is there. I know that no matter what bad stuff happens in life...that I am lucky to have him and have such a loving marriage and friendship.
I am still waiting for the results of Donny's second SA. We gave it to them last Friday! But I suppose it is the whole thing of us giving it at one hospital and our doctors being at another. Hopefully I will hear back today. We are ready to move onto the IUI if that is what they think is our next best option. I know it will cost us but I will get a second job to pay for it if I have to!
Well I better get back to posting replies to posts....