The impossible situation

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Kayla1981's picture
Joined: 01/04/07
Posts: 1529
The impossible situation

It's impossible to be a good mother and wife while being a high risk OB patient. Impossible.

I was having contractions last night and had to leave the dinner table to lay down. They continued for a while so Jason had to get Jordan ready for bed without me. Jordan cried briefly when she realized I wasn't going to help with her bath. Then today, I've been very achy and feeling what I interpret as pressure down low. I've been having the pain for a while, some days worse than others and I'm fairly certain it's some degree of SPD. I'm not sure if I'm so paranoid that I think I feel pressure but that's what it seems like to me. I think I recall feeling that last time as well, especially when I had all of the pain when walking, and everything always checked out okay. But this time I have a toddler that I have to take care of. I do not have the option to lay on the couch and take it easy all day.

My house is a mess and Jason is having to take on so much. The worst part is feeling like I'm not caring for Jordan like I want to. Or myself. At times I feel like she needs me and I cannot be there for her. Other times I feel like I really need to lay down but I have to feed Jordan or get her down for a nap. Right now she is in her room crying (supposed to be napping) and I want to go back in and rock her but I need to take care of myself. How do I take care of us both? Nora needs to be taken care of. I need to be taken care of. Jordan needs to be taken care of. It's impossible to do all of these things.

My mom has offered to come stay with me if that is what I need to do. I'm starting to feel like I might need her here but it's such an extreme step to take. They live three hours away and that would leave my dad there by himself. They have a lot of traveling coming up on the weekends and that would put a big burden on them to work around all of that.

Meanwhile Jordan is still in her room, crying... I think I need to go tend to her.

Lavender444's picture
Joined: 03/27/03
Posts: 1944

I'm sorry, Kayla. It's a difficult position to be in. I wish you could just have a nice, easy pregnancy.

Can you try laying down with Jordan? It might create a problem that you might have to work through later, but that's future Kayla's problem. Wink Really, if she'll nap with you, you both can rest. It's better than you stressing your body. If it does create a monster, you can deal with that after Nora comes along and everyone is safe. Safety trumps grumpy every time.

It might be nice to have your Mom come help, if she is offering. Or, maybe see if a friend can come by, or even hire a house cleaner for a little while. It may seem like a large expense, but preemies are much, much more costly. Both on your finances and your emotional state. Do what you can to ensure you get the rest your body needs. It won't be like this for long. It will pass and things can get back to your new normal.

I wish I was closer to help. Just a couple more months!

alwayssmile's picture
Joined: 08/26/07
Posts: 14483

The house will still be there later and Jordan will survive (and still thrive at that!) if you're not able to be there for her like you want to be. Really. It's okay. Do what you can to make life easier (TV shows, ready to eat foods, maid, your mom, whatever you're comfortable with) because in the long run your health and Nora's heath matter most. It's just temporary, not forever. ((hugs)) I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you!

Joined: 04/09/06
Posts: 1244

I agree with all the previous posts. Just do what you need to do right now to rest and take care of yourself. Jordan will be just fine. Cuddle her when you can and do whatever it takes to make sure that you are taking care of you and Nora. As Amber said, the costs of a preemie are much higher than such things as a housekeeper or eating dinner out more often. Plus, it is temporary. This will not be your situation forever. Jason can handle helping you around the house (and is probably very happy to help you in order to make sure that Nora arrives fully developed) and I am sure there are people who might be willing to come over and play with Jordan and give her some attention while you rest.

As a mom of twins, I can tell that not meeting every one of your child's needs immediately will not hurt him/her. There are times when I just cannot get to one of my girls because I am doing something for the other kids. They cry, scream, whatever, but it is just impossible. I hate it, but it is their reality. I do what I can to provide empathy and understanding for that child. I tell them how I think they are feeling and try to validate that for them. Sometimes being a parent is really, really hard. :bigarmhug:

Cali26's picture
Joined: 02/01/07
Posts: 1040

:bigarmhug: You're doing a great job taking care of both of your babies!

I think you've received some great ideas. When I was pg with T and after he was just born, I felt like I was cheating J of mommy time and experiences because I would need to tend to T (or me). He watched more movies, I had him doing more activities independently, etc. This was the first of the mommy guilt Sad

Hang in there and please take care of yourself! Talk to your mom and tell her how you feel. Maybe she can help in making the decision whether or not she needs to come and help.

a's girl's picture
Joined: 06/10/07
Posts: 1008

Hang in there Kayla!! You are doing great! Who cares if the house is a mess? Jordan is just fine! You will be just fine! You just have a little bit longer so keep baking that baby!!!!

Joined: 06/10/07
Posts: 1692


I wasn't high risk but recall some of those feelings you are describing. Great advice here already but try not to feel guilty about taking care of you and figure out a way that you can do that at times. Honestly if it means not doing something with Jordan that you usually do and Jason does it instead that might be hard for you but it's something Jordan isn't going to remember. You are a great mom! And don't feel guilty about Jason doing more this is his time to do that - you are only growing a child and all. Wink Thinking of you~

AshnBill's picture
Joined: 11/06/06
Posts: 5333

It's hard not to feel guilty about being able to do everything you usually do (especially because we moms do it best Wink ) but it's very temporary, and yes, Jordan won't remember! Your house can be a mess, it's okay to eat frozen pizza and mac & cheese for dinner. Stock up on paper plates to save on dishes, and let Jason help out as much as possible!

Hang in there! :bighug:

mommyvolc's picture
Joined: 03/22/07
Posts: 1296

Hugs! I've been there. I agree, take whatever help you can. Your sister is close to you right? I think she is pregnant too, but perhaps she might be able to help you out once in a while. I agree with pp, its temporary. Just do what you need to right now to get through. As for napping, do try napping with Jordan. Its something I do with both my kiddos from time to time...we all appreciate the extra snuggles. I slept with Alicia a LOT when I was pregnant with DJ and again when he was little and she needed my attention. Extra snuggles are always good. And Jason is going to have to get used to helping more...its one way to break him in for the realities of two little kids!


Kayla1981's picture
Joined: 01/04/07
Posts: 1529

This is going to be a quick response but I promise I've been reading all of your responses. I just hate typing on my phone and don't get out the laptop as much these days. I appreciate all of the support. I know Jordan will be okay and this is only temporary. I also know that some days I feel much more overwhelmed than others. Especially on the days where my body is especially cranky and so is Jordan. The day I posted this was a particularly rough day for both of us.