When you do not trust your body

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Kayla1981's picture
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When you do not trust your body

Didn't know how else to title this and excuse me if I'm rambling. This has been on my mind a lot lately and I think I just need to get it out of my system.

Do you ever feel like your body has let you down? For me, it really started once our TTC didn't result in a pregnancy. I was already frustrated with my body b/c of all the pain I was dealing with. Then the surprise removal of my left fallopian tube was a big one. To find out that it was malformed, filled with fluid and causing inflammation in my uterus just made me feel broken. Then my other surgery to remove the septum in my uterus continued to make me feel that way. I'm of course still left with a heart shaped uterus and scar tissue from my surgeries. I realize how fortunate I am that we were able to conceive naturally first, even though I miscarried. Then to be able to conceive with an IUI when many people are not that lucky. But I'm sure you all recall how scary my pregnancy was with Jordan. Heavy bleeding off and on through the first trimester and then contractions started at 19 weeks. It felt like I spent my whole pregnancy either at my OB, at the Perinatologist or in L&D to make sure I was not actually going into preterm labor. I know Jordan was late preterm but going into labor at 36 weeks was just once more that my body was letting me down by not allowing Jordan to stay in until she was term. Oh, and she was breech so I had a c/s.

I thought about asking for a VBAC, even though I'm fairly certain my doctor would not be on board. I really do LOVE my OB. He is incredibly caring and was so patient with me last time around. I was a nervous wreck and he never made me feel like the crazy lady I had become. Honestly, I have lost all faith in my body at this point and I'm not even sure I am a candidate for a VBAC b/c of my surgeries and my history of issues.

All in all, I know that I have one healthy toddler who I am so thankful for. I'm still shocked that we had a surprise pregnancy and so far things have gone very well. I'm definitely nervous about how my uterus will act once I get to 19 weeks but I will be seeing the Perinatologist so I know they will keep an eye on me.

Ok, rambling over. The overly emotional pregnant woman came out full force this weekend so I'm sure that isn't helping me ignore these feelings. I just wish I could feel that empowerment that someone women feel by being pregnant and giving birth.

mommyvolc's picture
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Kayla, I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly! Yes, I know exactly how you feel. We were unsure of whether or not I could get pregnant, as I'd had some issues with functional cysts and there was no medical literature on the effect of my autoimmune disease on pregnancy. I conceived quickly, but lost the first baby early. My pregnancy with Alicia was filled with scares and trips to the hospital. I was a nervous wreck. With DJ, I was able to relax a bit, knowing that my body had successfully allowed a child to grow and that she was healthy. I was more able to enjoy the pregnancy. I hope that you have a relatively stressless pregnancy this time around and can take pleasure in carrying your baby. If you don't have a VBAC, you may live with the regrets, as I do, but you will be happy all-around to have another child, however he/she comes into the world. Feel free to message me if you want, I'd be happy to chat with you anytime.
Nicole

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Oh Kayla...I am right there with you. I don't think that my body knows what it is doing at all! I truly think that is one of the major reason I am thinking we won't have another one...because I am scared. What if my body does the same thing it did last time. I don't want to be "that" pregnant woman again...always either with my OB or my high risk OB, or having an ultrasound or on bed rest. I think that given the circumstances of having the pregnancy that you had...it is perfectly normal to feel a bit of stage fright. You don't want it to happen all over again...but you do have to think positive...already your pregnancy is completely different from last time! This time...you got pregnant all on your own! No IUI and so far no crazy bleeding! Just think, this might be the pregnancy that does empower you!!

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I surrendered to the fact that my body was not "typical" long ago. My only saving grace was having my "complete" family after Trevor was born. The struggles and stresses that I've had to deal with (continue to deal with) have forever impacted my emotional state of mind; however, it no longer defined who I am. My focus is now on my little ones and less on my body. Having said that, I'm curious if my attitude will again change since this past weekend, I had my first post partum AF since Trevor was born. It's been exactly 2 years since having my last AF...

I hope that, regardless of how this little one is born, time will allow you opportunity to feel the full joy of carrying your little babies. HUGS!!

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:grouphug:

I'd consult with someone in your area that does do VBACs. Find out from them if you are a candidate or not. As much as you feel like your body has failed you, that's no guarantee with the information you currently have that it will fail you again. I know that if I don't try a VBAC with the next kid (whenever the heck that is) I'd always wonder and regret.
I really hope you have a much better pregnancy this time around. Seems like things are going well so far!

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"Cali26" wrote:

I surrendered to the fact that my body was not "typical" long ago.

Ditto! With a brain tumor, infertility and a horribly misshaped uterus I've come to terms with the fact my body is not ideal. WHen I was aburpted with Andrew in the hospital, before my c/s. My OB and I were discussing what to do if problems came up during the surgery. She started in on how my uterus may be difficult to save if Sh!t hit the fan. So I told her to just take it out, if she ran into any issues. Her responce was, 'Good! Your uterus sucks. I'm glad I don't have to try anything crazy to save it." lol! Weird to hear my OB say that, but I knew it was true.

With my first RE appointment, my RE gave me good advice to just take it all as it comes. The first step was getting me pg. Next was trying to keep me pg to a viable age. I'm really thankful my body was able to do that not only once, but twice! The thought of a c/s never bothered me, because I knew it was my only option if I wanted to carry my own children and have both of us come out breathing on the other side.

As you mentioned with your past history, surgeries on your uterus, a bicornuate uterus and a previous c/s I would guess you are not a strong candidate for a VBAC. BUT if your OB does not want you to attempt one, that does not mean your body has failed you. That just means that people like you and me are super fortunate that we live with modern medicine that can get our babies here safely.

I'm sure if I was pg again, I would be extremely worried about having another preemie. But you have to try to take things as they come. Extra stress of worrying won't help. Try not to worry until there is something to worry about. :bigarmhug:

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Right there with you right now Kayla. I completely understand you on all fronts. I only have a few days to decide if I will try to VBAC. I feel like I don't have it in me at this point to even try because I will fail.

I would highly recommend deciding ASAP and sticking to your decision. I've gone back and forth for 9 months and now its about too late to decide.

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no personal story to help you with this one other than the 3ish years of talking with you on preg org and listening to what a strong and smart and loving woman you are! if i've come to know anything about you, it is that if you put your mind to it then good things happen the way they were meant to happen and there is nothing you cannot deal with! never once have i agreed that anything about you is failure just a success you haven't seen yet and i believe that if you want something then try, if it doesn't work it was for a reason. sorry that you are having a 'pregnant' weekend! and so happy that this one has been so easy compared to jordan. remember, it never hurts to ask just remember to roll with the punches. :bighug: and i am stalking! pm me anytime!

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I have felt like my body has failed me before so I do understand that feeling although our circumstances are much different. Sometimes I also think that in this world of access to all types of information and people we hear so many stories. Including those who have strongly struggled with ttc, pregnancy, delivery to those who have conceived, carried and delivered 7 babies glowing the entire time and without one issue. Sometimes, especially when having a pregnant hormone type weekend, it is very difficult to not have all that we know affect our thoughts and feelings on our own situations. You are an awesome mom!

:bighug:

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:bigarmhug: Yes, I feel this way often. I would just be open and honest about your desire for a VBAC and see what the OB has to say. Have an honest discussion and see what they think about your risks given your previous issues with your uterus.

Kayla1981's picture
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Thank you so much for all of your support. I posted this here because I knew that you all would understand. Even if we haven't all struggled with IF and pregnancy complications, I know that our bodies can disappoint us in many other ways.

I know that I need to keep things in perspective. I have a cousin who has been in the hospital for a month because of Crohn's Disease. Her condition with the disease has not been good for the last couple of years (off and on) and this time she had life threatening blood clots in her lungs. She dealt with IF for a long time before they conceived their daughter and now she is too sick to even care for her. Talk about feeling like your body has failed you. Especially at such a young age. With that in mind, I realize how fortunate I am to be healthy.

I really have felt more relaxed this pregnancy. Obviously, it helps that there have not been any complications. I still have plenty of worries in the back of my mind but Jordan helps keeps me distracted from letting them take over. Smile I think sometimes you just have too many things bouncing around in your mind and it helps to write it all out. Again, thanks for listening and the support.