Didn't know how else to title this and excuse me if I'm rambling. This has been on my mind a lot lately and I think I just need to get it out of my system.
Do you ever feel like your body has let you down? For me, it really started once our TTC didn't result in a pregnancy. I was already frustrated with my body b/c of all the pain I was dealing with. Then the surprise removal of my left fallopian tube was a big one. To find out that it was malformed, filled with fluid and causing inflammation in my uterus just made me feel broken. Then my other surgery to remove the septum in my uterus continued to make me feel that way. I'm of course still left with a heart shaped uterus and scar tissue from my surgeries. I realize how fortunate I am that we were able to conceive naturally first, even though I miscarried. Then to be able to conceive with an IUI when many people are not that lucky. But I'm sure you all recall how scary my pregnancy was with Jordan. Heavy bleeding off and on through the first trimester and then contractions started at 19 weeks. It felt like I spent my whole pregnancy either at my OB, at the Perinatologist or in L&D to make sure I was not actually going into preterm labor. I know Jordan was late preterm but going into labor at 36 weeks was just once more that my body was letting me down by not allowing Jordan to stay in until she was term. Oh, and she was breech so I had a c/s.
I thought about asking for a VBAC, even though I'm fairly certain my doctor would not be on board. I really do LOVE my OB. He is incredibly caring and was so patient with me last time around. I was a nervous wreck and he never made me feel like the crazy lady I had become. Honestly, I have lost all faith in my body at this point and I'm not even sure I am a candidate for a VBAC b/c of my surgeries and my history of issues.
All in all, I know that I have one healthy toddler who I am so thankful for. I'm still shocked that we had a surprise pregnancy and so far things have gone very well. I'm definitely nervous about how my uterus will act once I get to 19 weeks but I will be seeing the Perinatologist so I know they will keep an eye on me.
Ok, rambling over. The overly emotional pregnant woman came out full force this weekend so I'm sure that isn't helping me ignore these feelings. I just wish I could feel that empowerment that someone women feel by being pregnant and giving birth.