Do you tell?

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smsturner's picture
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Do you tell?

Do people around you know all you're going through?

I have kept things almost completely to myself. Only one or two people even know that we've been trying besides the ladies here. Am I isolating myself too much? What do you ladies do?

mom2robbie's picture
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There are a few special friends that know, my family and that is it.

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I will be honest with you, I did and it backfired on me because all people ever did was ask me "are you pregnant yet?" I only told friends and family but I really didn't think they will need CONSTANT updates. I had one friend in particular that just aksed me over and over again to the point where I stopped answering her text messages. If I have to go thru IVF again I won't say anything to anyone.

dreamchaser's picture
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I am open about most things in my life and did share with my friends and family my struggles. Everyone knew I wanted more children. I run a small home day care and I was also open with my families once I started doing cycle monitoring for IUI and IVF treatments. I found that it helped to be able to talk openly about it. For the most part people didn't ask, they would let me bring up the subject if I wanted to talk about it. I also found that by being open about my own infertility struggles it allowed people I know to open up about their struggles as well (I would have not known otherwise that they too were going through similar struggles). It's definitely a personal choice. I did find that talking to others, both online and irl that were also going through treatments, I could use the lingo. But for those others, like my parents and friends who haven't experienced any of it, it was much easier to just give the short version of treatments. People want to know, but not necessarily all the details. My parents had a hard time understanding between IUI and IVF. It was just easier to say I'm doing another cycle, and left it at that, lol. Plus I didn't like having to go in to great detail all the time either.

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At first we didn't tell a soul because we thought it would be a super awesome surprise. (I have two that are 13 and 11, but tom has never had any, so this would be TOTALLY out of the blue to everyone).

Then as time went by, I have gotten more toward not wanting to tell a soul because I don't want to deal with all comments and questions that can hurt, even if people don't mean them to hurt. Like Aren't you pregnant yet?? or did you guys decide not to have a baby? or gee, what's happening that you're not getting pregnant? (some people I wouldn't mind, but why would you ask someone you barely know what kind of reproductive issues they have?) Well, maybe you just need to lose weight. (thanks einstein. that's crazy brilliant) Or the absolute worst: well at least you have the two already. (does anyone at all think that that makes any of this any better??)

So right now. My ladies here, one other board. Two of my fb friends, no family at all, one good friend, and two work friends know. I imagine at some point my boss, and her secretary will need to know bcs they will think there is something going on because of dr appointments.
I know that dh hasn't told a soul. He is just very very private. I think it will be a struggle to tell people when we are having a baby lol

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I talk to anyone about it to be honest.
I have found that due to this people come to me for advice when they have problems and look to me for support if needed.
I find it helps me take my mind off my own problems.
I am probably way too open..but..thats just me...bugs me when people are unfeeling...but on the whole people react okay.
I don't say it out of the blue..but I don't hold back when it comes up.
It doesn't upset me to talk about it so...
If my problems can help someone else than there is a reason for everything. Smile
xxxxx

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In the beginning, only family knew what I was going through along with my boss. Then, I told a few friends. Now that it has been 8 yrs and still no BFP and ppl keep asking why I don't have any children, I simply say that it's not like I haven't tried. I've done everything short of IVF and it just isn't in God's plan for me. I just don't like how people assume that it is so easy to have children or that I simply don't want them that I feel I have to put them in their place

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"smsturner" wrote:

Or the absolute worst: well at least you have the two already. (does anyone at all think that that makes any of this any better??)

I get this all the time! Yes, I am lucky to have Robbie but it does not help when you want another child.

At our wedding (I was 32) we kept being asked when we were having kids. Shut a lot of people up with "I'm infertile, so it may never happen". Never an apology or anything just a shocked look and wander away!

Sean's SIL went through 3 rounds of IVF to get the triplets and so they are all so supportive. When we went to Christmas dinner the year I was pregnant with Robbie (would have been almost 8 weeks) everyone was giving hugs and crying over their happiness for us. It was so nice.

My oldest sister is mad at me for trying for another baby. "You are too old", "There is going to be something wrong"... She had her first at 23 and her last at 39 - 5 boys. It was ok with her wanting more kids but not for me Sad

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"mom2robbie" wrote:

My oldest sister is mad at me for trying for another baby. "You are too old", "There is going to be something wrong"... She had her first at 23 and her last at 39 - 5 boys. It was ok with her wanting more kids but not for me Sad

AWFUL!! How terrible for her to not be supportive of what you are wanting, needing or feeling! That's not ok, no matter what reason! And I know women older than you that have done perfectly fine. What nonsense!

My sister is the one person I worry about telling the most. She has talked for years about wanting to start trying for a baby. She has PCOS and knows it could be a hard time. But her biggest obstacle is she is married to a woman. She has a man friend volunteer donor picked out, but still having a baby will not be the easy thing. She is not sure when she wants to try, but feels like it's her 'turn' to do it. I'm sure news that we would be having one, would put her a little on edge, and make her jealous. I don't want to make her feel bad, but I also don't want to never have what we want so badly because it will upset her. I can't decide if that makes me cold and unfeeling...

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"smsturner" wrote:

AWFUL!! How terrible for her to not be supportive of what you are wanting, needing or feeling! That's not ok, no matter what reason! And I know women older than you that have done perfectly fine. What nonsense!

Ya, she was pretty *****y about it all. When I was younger she was mad that I did no go out and purposely get pregnant as "you kids are going to be so much younger then their cousins". Well, since she is 14 years older then me my kids should be a lot younger then her kids. I would have hit her if she had said anything when I was "home" for my mom's funeral when I mentioned we would be starting a fertility treatment cycle right away.

About your sister... You are free to laugh at my cluelessness... I was at the fertility clinic and realized I was noticing a LOT of lesbian couples. An hour later I blurted out "Duh! " My friend was wanting to know what was going on. I told her I just realized why there were so many lesbian couples at the clinic...the ONLY way for them to get pregnant...(well, unless they want to have sex with a male friend... ) LOL

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I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship and ttc my first with my husband for over 6 years before being diagnosed with POF. I always got those comments too, that I should just be happy with the one I have (like what is THAT supposed to mean?!!?) It doesn't take away from the one I have, wanting and dreaming of having another! And when she started getting older I was getting the comments about not wanting such a big age gap and why would I want to go backwards and have a baby and toddler again. *sigh*

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"smsturner" wrote:

Do people around you know all you're going through?

I have kept things almost completely to myself. Only one or two people even know that we've been trying besides the ladies here. Am I isolating myself too much? What do you ladies do?

The only people that know is myself, my DH and you ladies here at pg.org Sometimes I think it would make me feel better having family know (they are so excited for their future grand babies/niece/nephew etc) But I just don't have the heart to get there hopes up of us trying in case it just isn't meant to be.

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I told people the first IUI cycle that we went through but then I guess because I am such a people pleaser I felt like I let everyone down. People were so excited for us and asking all the time when we would know and then I had to tell them all that we were not pregnant. That I think was harder than just finding out that the cycle did not work. I felt like I let all of those people down. My husband and I talked about it and decided that we would only be telling his mother and the only reason she would know was because when we had to drive for treatments she would keep my husband's son.

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I think that would be harder too. Not only is everyone disappointed, but you have to relive your own disappointment over and over with each person you tell. I'm sorry it didn't work.

"Lily2006" wrote:

The only people that know is myself, my DH and you ladies here at pg.org Sometimes I think it would make me feel better having family know (they are so excited for their future grand babies/niece/nephew etc) But I just don't have the heart to get there hopes up of us trying in case it just isn't meant to be.

Actually, I've been a long time member, but didn't even really bring it up here on the org that i was trying until recently. For the same reasons as not telling irl friends. Some ladies are good friends from the depression board or the debate board. And i had always steered clear of the 0-24 month board bcs i felt jealous of everyone moving on. I have to say though, I'm really happy i tried talking to you ladies about it. Its good to have the support and advice of you all Wink

"dreamchaser" wrote:

I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship and ttc my first with my husband for over 6 years before being diagnosed with POF. I always got those comments too, that I should just be happy with the one I have (like what is THAT supposed to mean?!!?) It doesn't take away from the one I have, wanting and dreaming of having another! And when she started getting older I was getting the comments about not wanting such a big age gap and why would I want to go backwards and have a baby and toddler again. *sigh*

I have heard that question too. Wow, you were almost done! Why would you want to start over!? Thanks. Super helpful.

Can i ask if you told your daughter you were trying?

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I didn't tell her in the beginning. She was almost 7 when we first started ttc. She would talk about wanting a sibling and I would tell her that hopefully she will be a big sister one day. But as she got older she started to understand what was going on. When we started IVF (she was 11) we didn't sit down and tell her per say, but we were open with our conversations when she was around and she knew that we were doing fertility treatments to try and have a baby.

I should add that when I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure in 2010, we did sit down and tell her that we were no longer able to ttc, that I had a condition that would prevent me from being able to have any more children. I felt that she needed to know so that she could move on/forward as well, to accept that she was going to be an only child.

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Megan is nosy and has noticed some of my 'paraphernalia" since we started. There are only so many opk's and tests and charts, etc etc you can hide with a nosy 13 year old around. She has asked here and there, and I've just told her maybe we'd have a baby someday. Marcus is in a land of his own lol
I'm not sure how much I should talk about it with them. I don't want them to be super disappointed if we don't. But, like you said, it's smart to tell them if we def never would be able to have a baby.