Don't want to offend my sister (child ment, m/c ment)

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Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455
Don't want to offend my sister (child ment, m/c ment)

So my little sister and I had babies two weeks apart from each other 3 years ago this month, after we had shared early losses with each other just months apart 2 years before our babies were conceived.

She and her DH have been not trying/not preventing since her little girl was just 6 months old. DH and I, on the other hand, have already been successful in another pregnancy/delivery and are now "complete".

Yesterday I packed up the bassinet for the last time and started to tear up knowing it will never come out again for us. Then I got to thinking, what if I gave it to my little sis? So I called her up and left her a voicemail saying I had a gift for her if she wanted it. She texted minutes later saying that she's stuck at work til 10pm and wanted to know what it was. I should have just said call me tomorrow. I really hope I didn't make her cry, cause I put myself back in the position we were in together after our losses and realized that I was not as considerate as I could have been.

This is what she texted back after I said that since she might have a use for it eventually. "Oh, well hopefully we will have a use for it sometime... but i don't know when or if we ever will..."

I didn't know what to say after that and just said, well we can talk about it later.

Is this a mean offer to give it to her knowing that she's feeling hopeless right now? I just don't know.. Sad Maybe I should have just put it in storage until she happily announces a success and then stick a bow on it?

And this just after our aunt told her at her daughter's birthday party while holding our new little one "I'm giving you 2 years. You have 2 years to give me another niece or nephew." I wanted to punch our dear auntie for that comment cause I know how long she's been not preventing.

I just want some opinions on how to further proceed with the bassinet offer.

Thanks, ladies.

FLSunshineMom's picture
Joined: 06/07/06
Posts: 3859

If it was me, it would be hard to be offered a bassinet... painful, in fact, but... it would also a "sign" of hope, and so I would appreciate it in that sense. As for your sister, it's hard to say how she is reacting to it. Everyone is different. You can tell her that you hope it didn't offend her and tell her that you would understand if she didn't want it right now so that she wouldn't feel obligated. :dontknow:


raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

Personally I don't think I would be, but it might be different with secondary infertility? I would probably offer to keep it for her and tell her it's 100% hers when she is ready. One of the things that hurt a lot for me during the TTC process was seeing my sister get all the hand-me-downs from relatives for her two accidents when I had been trying longer. I know they didn't know but I think knowning if someone had something set aside for me that they weren't going to give to someone else would make me feel very hopeful. Smile

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

Rachael, it's not exactly secondary infertility. It took 5 years to get their loss, then another 2 years to get their daughter. He has a pituitary issue and has been on meds for it since he started puberty at age 3 (yup, you read that right) and she has a very short cycle. His meds can cause low sperm count and before they got any successful cycle (the loss) they had to have him switch meds like a year before the success. I'm not sure the meds he's on right now, but the ones that are better for getting pregnant are not as effective at treating his disorder. Plust they both work monstrous hours and are lucky to even BD three times a month (I know, some here don't even get that much).

It's a combination of things and I don't know why they haven't moved forward to seeing an RE. She's been referred by a general practice cause like every other cycle is twice as long as the last and she doesn't know if she's only ovulating off one side or what. I've tried to share my basic knowledge of using a BBT to track her cycle, but she just doesn't have it in her to push any harder than she already is, I think.

I'm real careful not to pry into how her cycles are going and I only share information when she brings it up.

Thanks, ladies, for your input. I really do appreciate it. Sometimes I forget what it was like having bfn after bfn after bfn after our loss.


Love you gals and I think and pray for you all often.

yipeeladybug's picture
Joined: 01/18/06
Posts: 1214

I think your sister knows you have only good intentions in offering, and appreciates it, but can't help to hurt a little. At least, that's how I would feel as I'm going through secondary infertility right now. I agree with Mary that it would be good to clarify with her that you didn't mean to offend her (altho I am betting she knew that already) and that it will always be here for her when she needs it.