Had an especially tough time Sunday (pg ment)

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FLSunshineMom's picture
Joined: 06/07/06
Posts: 3859
Had an especially tough time Sunday (pg ment)

Wanted to share, because I know you ladies can relate....

I honestly don't understand why I react the way I do sometimes. During church on Sunday, there were two very pregnant women on stage leading the singing. One was dressed in such a way that made her beautiful round belly stick out like a sore thumb. It was so weird, it was like all I could see was her perfectly round pg belly staring back at me. But instead of being happy for her, and for the other woman, all I could do was think about how badly *I* wanted to have that round pg belly, and I even went as far as to think, "Why did she have to go and wear an outfit like that? Couldn't she have worn something that would have hidden her belly more?" And then I felt so badly for thinking that. Sad

I was trying so hard not to let it bother me, but I failed and started to cry (to myself) and couldn't look at either of them for the rest of the service. I just kept staring at the lefthand screen that showed the words to the songs, or closed my eyes and prayed.

At least I could pour out my heart to God while there, right? It's funny how things we have hidden deep inside us come to the surface at the most unexpected times.

And do you ladies find that you go through these weird "cycles"? It's like, I'll see babies and aww and oooo over them and want to hold and cuddle them, then next thing you know I see a pg woman and I want to cry, then when I see babies again I don't even want to look at them and all I can think about is all the negative stuff that goes along with them: sleepless nights, diaper changes, spit-up, etc. So then I think, "Eh. I don't need them." Then I get over that and I'm back to awwing and oooing again. :rolleyes: Today I saw the most adorable newborn baby asleep on her mother's shoulder, and the mother must have thought I was weird, standing there with my eyes glazed over, drool oozing out of the side of my mouth.

~Sigh~

Joined: 02/24/11
Posts: 1651

These are my feelings exactlyyyyyyy!!! I loveeeeeee babiesssss but it saddens me when i hold them and then for a split second i imagine that the baby is mine .. Thats some staker ish lol i know im pathetic

Joined: 07/26/04
Posts: 1595

Aww Mary, we have all felt those same exact feelings!! I start to think crazy things like "you know she's going to be a lousy mom." or "doesn't she have enough kids already..." Then I think to myself, wow...you have really lost it now Marisol. It saddens me that TTC has consumed me, to the point where it takes up a lot of my time and energy. What I don't like is those feelings like you just described, things you would have never thought before, makes you think that we have actually lost touch with who we really are because we can't get pregnant.

I also have moments where I start to think...Do I really want to start all over again. Man, my DD is soo independent right now, sleepless nights, etc, etc... but yeah I do. What can I say...once you are bit by that baby bug there is no going back! Smile

:bighug:

Joined: 03/02/07
Posts: 473

**Lurker**

I just wanted to say I totally understand. I could have written your post. I know how awful it is to have those feelings of sadness/envy, followed by the guilt for having them.

So sorry you had a bad day. I really hope tomorrow is a better one.

ChrissyD2103's picture
Joined: 10/09/07
Posts: 526

Aww Mary, totally can relate!! I think it is normal we are all basically grieving so I think at different times we are at different places with it. (((HUGS)))

yipeeladybug's picture
Joined: 01/18/06
Posts: 1214

Yes, I totally feel a lot of the same, Mary. *hugehugs*

For me, I get totally PO'd when I find out someone is pg...not PO'd at the person of course!! I am totally happy for them, esp my friends. But I *am* PO'd (at myself? at God? I dunno) that it's not me! When it comes to babies, however, I totally love to see them and hold them. It's helping my feelings a little to help out at the church nursery. Also running helps me gets distracted from my TTC woes.

Lizbet22's picture
Joined: 04/01/09
Posts: 2859

Oh yes...I can relate too.
To the point of somedays I am happy for people to talk babies and join in and then another day if the same person talks babies I think they are rude and insensitive and whinge about it.
I feel sorry for some of my friends really....

Huge hugs to you sweets!!
We're here!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

combatcutie's picture
Joined: 04/04/07
Posts: 2083

Oh Mary honey, I know the feeling oh so well. My heart goes out to you. It is a natural instinct to feel that way. God is not angry with you for being upset. He was right there with you holding your hand while you were upset. I'm always a pm away sweetie {{{MAJOR HUGS}}}

FLSunshineMom's picture
Joined: 06/07/06
Posts: 3859

Thanks, ladies. I knew you'd understand :grouphug:

mom2robbie's picture
Joined: 01/20/07
Posts: 2541

Mary - I get you. I used to cry every time I would hear that one of my nieces were expecting again. It was so hard trying to be happy for them when I was so jealous that I hated them. I was kind of isolated because I live 2000 miles from my family. Then when I found out I was pregnant I found out that DH's 2 nieces were pregnant - due 10 and 6 weeks before me. I was happy until my baby died. On Sunday I went to the Blessing of Lily (baby Warren should have been there too but he kept mommy and daddy up all night). I love these babies but it was so hard to see Lily (and hold her) and not cry. Then Robbie held Lily (pics on FB) and I could see what a great big brother he would be... He talked about our baby who died and that is so hard on me. Today he wore his "big brother" shirt to school and said that he loves the shirt even if he can't be a big brother. It is so heart-breaking.

Huge hugs!