Major venting time!*update*
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  1. #1
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    Default Major venting time!*update*

    I spent most of my day holding back tears today. A coworker of mine that has been trying for a year finally got pregnant. I'm so happy for her but you know I can't help feeling hurt at the same time. Now that's another growing belly I will have to watch everyday at work. Just when I thought I had finally gotten over it, I went to drop my daughter at her grandmas house and my neighbor who has been trying for over a year got pregnant on her first IUI. I was thrilled as well, BUT hurt at the same time. 2 pregnancies in one day is too much to handle.

    I feel cheated, I really really do. I will spare you the novel but nothing in my life has ever been easy. I've always had to struggle to get what I wanted and I know that's the case for many people but I don't know...I feel lost, and not having my mom to talk to I feel alone.

    I spoke briefly with a friend of mine and she's convinced that I haven't gotten pregnant because my life is destined for something else and that pregnancy is not in the cards right now. She feels it's just not mean to be for me right now. As much as I want to accept that I'm not one to just give up. I want to give up badly, but I can't.

    Hearing about these two pregnancies broke me today. I was so happy about going to the OB tomorrow and now I'm not. I have this gut feeling that all fertility treatments will fail and this is just not meant to be.

    I'm sorry girls but sometimes i feel this is my only avenue. THe only place where I can let it all out. I'm sure I will feel better in the morning but right now I just want to cry my eyes out and scream at the world. Thanks for reading!!

    *so dh FINALLY got the SA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We get results tomorrow! I feel ssssoooo relieved!!*
    Last edited by Mari626; 04-25-2012 at 06:24 AM.
    *Marisol*

    DD Emily 2/10/05
    DS Sebastian 4/18/14


    *IVF #1: Failed early MC*
    *IVF #2: Baby Cecilia born at 22 weeks.
    *IVF #3: Positive!


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  2. #2
    Supporter kadibug's Avatar
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    Marisol - I am so sorry! This is a place we have all been in... watching others get pg, grow, glow, and all the while we hurt. Even if you love your the person pg, you just can't get over the hurt you feel. I don't know about you, but it drives me crazy when people tell me WHY I can't have kids. "Another purpose" "God's plan" whatever... when you hurt as deeply as you do, telling someone why they can't fix their situation isn't always the best thing to do. No offense to your friend who is trying to help you out.

    For now, cry, scream, be angry! Feel like life is unfair! Have you seen a counselor? I did and it was a GREAT thing. One of the best lessons I gained from his counsel was to embrace the sadness. Our society doesn't get infertility like we do and they never will. Society wants us to be sad in secret and not make others uncomfortable. We are allowed to be sad and even feel hopeless. We are allowed to be angry and jealous. This is not an easy battle and it might be the hardest we will ever face. Not all our friends or family will understand (in fact, none of my friends and family do).

    I also understand your feelings of struggling. Nothing comes easy for me either! College, meeting my husband, finding a house, getting my job, etc. Nothing "fell into place" like the cliche says they do!

    When you are done feeling your wave of sadness on this horrible roller coaster of infertility, remember that you could still someday have another child. You could! We all could!

    Hang in there - I know how you are feeling.
    Me - 33 AMH 1.22, DOR, Polyspermy
    DH - 30 Low Testosterone
    WOOF - Annabell, 7 & Eleanor, 8
    TTC #1, 7/2009
    2 M/C's 2010
    1 M/C 2011, tri18
    2 IUI's 2011 BFN
    IVF - 4/2012
    BFP - 10dpt
    u/s 5/7 - HB128, one bean!
    u/s 5/17 - HB150, 7 mm bleeding (eek!)
    u/s 5/24 - HB162
    u/s 5/31 - HB180, NT .8
    u/s 6/7 - HB161, NT 1.15
    us/ 6/12 - HB143
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  3. #3
    Community Host Lizbet22's Avatar
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    Urgh.... I just deleted my whole response!!

    I totally understand... And totally agree with with kadi.

    It's horribly painful and if people haven't gone through it there is no way they can understand.
    I agree with wanting your mum.... No other person us going to kiss away the tears and understand you as much.
    I wish my mum where here too.

    Also no offence to your friend but those words should never be said.
    IRS as bad as the friend who says @stop trying so hard and it will happen" in my case sitting there 6 months pregnant!!
    Luckily she wasn't referring to me but another friend... I told her point blankly that she had no right to say that and that if she had saud that to me I would have probably slapped her!! (hmmmm wonder if that's why our relationship has broken down ... Oh well lol)

    I don't believe you are destined fir something else instead... It's impossible because of how much you want your special miracle... That's what's destined for you.

    I personally look at friends pregnant and even strangers and think... I am one step closer with every successful pregnancy... I think the time of having them is mapped out.
    A queuing system if you will.. And someone else's oregnancy is one step closer to the front.

    Hugs my sweets.
    We may not be your mum but we are all here fir you.
    Xxxxx
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  4. #4
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    Thank you so much ladies, it means everything. I feel much better this morning, and looking forward to talking to the OB and FINALLY getting DH tested and just moving forward with this. I'm hoping that by next month things will be looking better. I know whatever treatment she plans is going to be hard work but I will do it.

    Thanks for listening, you girls couldn't have said it any better.

    As soon as I get back I will post an update.
    *Marisol*

    DD Emily 2/10/05
    DS Sebastian 4/18/14


    *IVF #1: Failed early MC*
    *IVF #2: Baby Cecilia born at 22 weeks.
    *IVF #3: Positive!


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  5. #5
    Community Host Lizbet22's Avatar
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    Thinking of you love.
    Hope it all goes well.
    Xxx
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  6. #6
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    Hey ladies, just got back. Well next week DH is getting the SA, hope that comes back well. She's pretty set on me having PCOS. So once she gets the results of DH's SA I am going to start Clomid and Metmorphin (sp). If that doesn't work within 2 months, she is referring me to the RE. I guess I have some hope for the next few cycles, and I just have to be optimistic with the clomid. She feels it will work since I do get the regular periods and positive OPK's. However, if DH's SA comes back bad then I guess I have to go another route, which we will discuss in about a week or so when I go back to see her. She was also concerned with me developing diabetes which she says I'm at a high risk due to the PCOS. So now more than ever I should really stick to this diet.

    Well I must admit I feel that I am finally on the right path, now it's just a matter of the treatment working or not.
    *Marisol*

    DD Emily 2/10/05
    DS Sebastian 4/18/14


    *IVF #1: Failed early MC*
    *IVF #2: Baby Cecilia born at 22 weeks.
    *IVF #3: Positive!


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  7. #7
    Supporter kadibug's Avatar
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    Making the move to work with an RE was the best move we did in our IF journey. Finally, we were guided through what tests to have done, blood work, etc. Even my diagnosis took three years to complete, but if we hadn't been working with an RE, it never would have come.

    There are up's and (serious) down's in this journey. It's nice when someone on this forum understands.

    Keep your head up... until you need to keep it down.
    Me - 33 AMH 1.22, DOR, Polyspermy
    DH - 30 Low Testosterone
    WOOF - Annabell, 7 & Eleanor, 8
    TTC #1, 7/2009
    2 M/C's 2010
    1 M/C 2011, tri18
    2 IUI's 2011 BFN
    IVF - 4/2012
    BFP - 10dpt
    u/s 5/7 - HB128, one bean!
    u/s 5/17 - HB150, 7 mm bleeding (eek!)
    u/s 5/24 - HB162
    u/s 5/31 - HB180, NT .8
    u/s 6/7 - HB161, NT 1.15
    us/ 6/12 - HB143
    Lilypie Maternity tickers

  8. #8
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    How great is it that you hae a route to venture !!! I hope dh SA comes back awesome !! Clomid isnt that bad !! It depends on the person !!! My sympton was hot flashes soo maybe you wil have none!!! Good luck and i hope the meds you are on for PCOS and clomid does the trick !!!
    Tasha

    TTC #1 since 2/11
    Married to DH Chris since May 23,2011
    April 16 2012- IUI BFP!!!
    Dec 8th 2012 Carter Michael is born 4:53 am at 5lbs 5 oz
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  9. #9
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    Marisol, so sorry to hear about your bad day. It's so hard to have to be faced with other's pregnancies, especially growing bellies, when you want it so bad for yourself. It's nothing to do with not being happy for them. You can still be happy for others, but feel so sad for yourself. Having reminders is so difficult.

    And why do the pregnancy announcements come in droves!? Really! I feel like I'm the only person not pregnant sometimes!

    I think that your friends comments, although well intentioned, are way off. Maybe way down the road you might see in retrospect that there was some reason why you went through this struggle (at least that is what I think for myself-it's making me grow in some way I am not aware of yet), but it is not for anyone to say that it is "not meant to be". Don't let that little voice get in there! You are just starting treatments, there is so much left to do and so much hope!

    I am so glad you have a plan with your OB, and that you have new hope. I hope we are just counting down time until success for you.
    ~Kara~

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    (Sorry I'm late to this)

    I'm so sorry, Marisol. I can relate to the whole "happy yet hurt" feeling. I've had a series of things happen lately, one of which was seeing my pregnant niece last weekend, whom I had not seen in several months, and for some reason her big round belly took me by surprise. I mean c'mon, I knew she was a lot further along than the last time I had seen her, yet her big, round belly still took me by surprise, and even more surprising was that it felt like a slap in the face. I honestly don't understand it.. I just want to be happy for her, and had to literally MAKE myself forget about how I felt so that I could tell her how great she looked, and ask how she felt, etc.

    Then today, I was picking out her baby shower gifts at BRU, and was giddy with excitement and spent WAAAAY too much money It's an emotional roller coaster for sure.

    Glad you're feeling better today and that your appt went well. *More hugs*

    -Mary

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