(OT) Would you...?

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raingirl28's picture
Last seen: 2 years 8 months ago
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347
(OT) Would you...?

Backstory - I am estranged from my father. I haven't talked to him since my first year of University - maybe 1998. I cut him off because I was sick of his lies and inconsistency (he would say he would call or show up for something, then never do it). He is the #1 reason I'm so bad at trusting people because I could never trust him to do anything. He would say he would take me out for my birthday or Christmas or something, then never come which was annoying when I had got all ready to go out. Then he would never call until weeks later saying something like, his phone was disconnected or some other lie.

So... two of my three sisters still talk to him, so I know he's alive still (he's 71). I just found out today that he's on Facebook. My sisters and now my BIL are friends with him. It's only a matter of time before he finds me.....

Should I add him? Should I let him add me? Should I ignore it? DH thinks I should reconnect with him at least once because if he died soon I might regret it. I'm not sure though.... there are so many bad thoughts around the whole thing....

Minx_Kristi's picture
Last seen: 1 year 5 months ago
Joined: 01/02/09
Posts: 1261

It's hard to say, this is too personal for someone to say 'you should do this...'

You need to weigh up the pros and cons, whether reconnecting would just be opening old wounds or do you think you and him could have some kind of relationship?

It is a tough one. You might regret not doing it if he passes but then you might regret if you do because he lets you down again.

GL with deciding!!


Lizbet22's picture
Last seen: 1 year 3 months ago
Joined: 04/01/09
Posts: 2859

I agree with kristi to an extent.
Here's my story... Deem what you want from it.
My dad left when I was 17... Ran off with my mums brothers wife.
I was very pleased as he and mum weren't happy and I hoped it would strengthen an already fraught relationship.
He kept letting me down ... I didn't even get an invite to the wedding.
He and I didn't speak for years... Although I did still speak to his wife.
One day at work when I worked in the theatre I was talking to one if the actors... He told me that his daughter had died of cancer and they had fallen out and he had never got to put things right ir say goodbye!
I then made an effort with my dad. We get on great although it's all me making the effort.
Although the last year has been better as I laid it on the table about give and take.
My dad couldn't deal with children ... As an adult we can relate better.

Last seen: 4 years 7 months ago
Joined: 04/27/09
Posts: 251


rachel, sorry to hear that you are dealing with such a poopy family issue. i too have a distant relationship with my dad and i know how hard it is dealing with the anger/guilt cycle.

here's my story, for what it's worth. for a long time i felt a huge sense of loss, anger and grief over the things that my dad put me through (i won't go into details, but it was bad). after he and my mom split up a few years ago, he tried hard to put in an effort with me, but i pushed him away because i was angry at him...now he's busy and distracted with his new wife/new life, so i rarely see or talk to him. and to be honest, i am 99% ok with that.

sometimes he puts in an effort and i appreciate it, but mostly i just feel like it's "too little, too late". for years after the divorce, my mom pushed me to "forgive and make up" with him, but she did that to alleviate her own guilt for her years of inaction while he did crappy things to me. having her lay the guilt trips on me really made it worse and sent me into a bad depression.

i think the turning point for me was when i got married; i opened up to my husband about the deal with my dad and ever since, DH has been my rock of support and constant love. i kinda feel like he's filled that hole that my dad left...very freudian, i know...but now i find i really just don't need my dad in my life. i will be sad when he dies, yes...but i don't think i will have any regrets.

i can't tell you what to do, but i think that you should do whatever is going to be best for your emotional health. don't let guilt drive your decision...take stock of your emotional needs first and go from there.

good luck!!!

ShylahEQ's picture
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
Joined: 12/08/07
Posts: 1003


if you are honestly worried about him finding you right now, you can block him from seeing you period. Anything you post on their walls / statuses wouldn't be viewable either.

Might be worth it until you are ready to deal with it further.

Last seen: 4 years 10 months ago
Joined: 10/13/11
Posts: 4


In my honest opinion. I think you should be friends with him on Facebook. Having some small form of connection won't hurt. Besides... you have your own life now, you are allowing him to be apart of it, but it's up to him if he's going to take it or miss out on being involved in the life of a wonderful person. At the end of the day you can remind yourself that you gave it a shot and you are being the better person.

P.S. My dad is the same way. Sometimes he'll call me daily and other times I wont hear from him for weeks. I stopped holding my breath for him when I was 17 years old when he and my mom split. Just remember.... not everyone is like him.


DannyT's picture
Last seen: 3 years 11 months ago
Joined: 09/11/11
Posts: 881

Rachael - this is a tough one. I believe that you will know in your heart what you need to do for yourself, whichever path that may be. Look inside yourself and trust yourself...don't doubt your intuition. :bigarmhug: