So, as you may know, I got yet another BFN a few days ago...just in time for Xmas.
It was officially our 20th cycle TTC, and our 9th with MA.
In all that time I have never had a BFP. Not even a squinter-type BFP. Just glaring, stark-white BFN after BFN.
I am surprised, and a little freaked out because of the fact that I am NOT FREAKING OUT!
I mean, I should be depressed/angry/giving up/sad/scared....I should have some emotion about this, right? But I just feel a sense of calm...like everything is happening for a reason.
I read in a book about infertility once that the woman said when she finally held her son in her arms after all the struggles and failed IVF etc...she KNEW the reason for every BFN she encountered. It was so she could have that particular baby. If she had been pregnant at any other time, she would have loved that child, sure...but he/she would have not been that same boy she was holding in her arms at that moment...
I dont know if it makes sense, or if I'm explaining it right...but I too believe that each of us are moms in waiting to a very special baby. A baby that was made for each of us specifically. I believe that when this struggle is finally over, and the darkness of infertility is behind us, we will be very thankful for every BFN...because that baby, the one we will be holding in our arms right then, will have been made for us.
I'm sorry if that sounds like BS to anyone suffering through this. I'm not saying celebrate the BFNs...I know myself how much they hurt (I've suffered through 20 BFNs!)...I'm just saying that there will come a day, when this horrible chapter will be over, and we will know the joy of having our babies.
So, instead of focusing on the MANY negatives in my TTC journey right now...I'm going to look forward to 2013 with optimism and be thankful for the many things I DO have going right! (A great husband, awesome and understanding JM buddies, costs covered for IVF, a knowledgeable RE, etc etc)
And that hope is what has put me in a good place right now.