When do you throw in the towel?

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Joined: 01/21/11
Posts: 19
When do you throw in the towel?

DH and I been TTCing for the past four years, and I am just getting very tired of it. We have three great cats, a good life, my interests are taking me elsewhere, and I just turned 30-something last month. However, it is difficult to transition to a child-free life after TTCing for four years especially since I can't make a decision to save my life. To make matters worse I don't think that my DH is ready to give up yet.

So when does one throw in the towel and move on with life?

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

:lurk:

I think you'll find that the women here have not yet resorted to giving up, and might not ever. Giving up the dream of having a baby is a very difficult thing to do for most women. Some women might say they are done, but find that they still REALLY want that baby, and thus the ttc begins again.

It's truly a decision that you and your honey are going to have to make together. Talk to him about it. See what he says.

If you do decide to "move on with life", (as you put it) think positively. Try not to use the words "give up" it's a very negative thought.

:goodluck:

mom2robbie's picture
Joined: 01/20/07
Posts: 2541

"007 Fan" wrote:

DH and I been TTCing for the past four years, and I am just getting very tired of it. We have three great cats, a good life, my interests are taking me elsewhere, and I just turned 30-something last month. However, it is difficult to transition to a child-free life after TTCing for four years especially since I can't make a decision to save my life. To make matters worse I don't think that my DH is ready to give up yet.

So when does one throw in the towel and move on with life?

Hmmm....it took me 5 years to conceive Robbie and 5 years to conceive Bailey (who I m/c at 11 weeks just 1 year ago), I had a bunch of chemical pregnancies as well. As I turn 43 this year I am not able to wait another 4 years for a baby. I am close to giving up. I even went to the adoption information sessions but I just can't give up my dream of being pregnant one more time. I am waiting for an appointment with the fertility clinic and see what they say but otherwise if I am not pregnant by the end of the year I am giving up.

yipeeladybug's picture
Joined: 01/18/06
Posts: 1214

"Nell4Him" wrote:

:lurk: It's truly a decision that you and your honey are going to have to make together. Talk to him about it. See what he says. If you do decide to "move on with life", (as you put it) think positively. Try not to use the words "give up" it's a very negative thought. :goodluck:

What she said.

"mom2robbie" wrote:

Hmmm....it took me 5 years to conceive Robbie and 5 years to conceive Bailey (who I m/c at 11 weeks just 1 year ago), I had a bunch of chemical pregnancies as well. As I turn 43 this year I am not able to wait another 4 years for a baby. I am close to giving up. I even went to the adoption information sessions but I just can't give up my dream of being pregnant one more time. I am waiting for an appointment with the fertility clinic and see what they say but otherwise if I am not pregnant by the end of the year I am giving up.

*hugs* Margaret, I hope everything goes well with you at the fertility clinic. I am so glad I got referred and got tested...even if I didn't go further (altho I am doing IVF), at least I know now why I had difficulty conceiving. 007 Fan - It's a very personal decision between you and hubby as to when to decide to move on. It's best to both talk it over and make some decisions together. In my case, after much pondering and soul searching (alone and collectively), we decided to go IVF and hope for the best. Good luck, however you decide.

Lizbet22's picture
Joined: 04/01/09
Posts: 2859

I ditto Nell too!!!
It is a long hard emotional time consuming thing.
It hurts more than anything ever.
I am 40 next year and I have maintained that I really don't want to conceive after 40. Saying that though my need for my own lo outweighs all rational thinking now.
It's a long hard slog but I think the the tears and heartbreak will be worth it in the long run.

What testing have you had done Hun?

Whatever you decide to do know that we will always be there to support you.

Xxxxxxx

raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347

My personal motto has always been to never do anything you will regret and vice versa, never not do something if you will regret not doing it.

Only you can know for sure if you are done. I'm very close to giving up. 5 years this month and I just don't feel like I care anymore (im 33 so i have some time still). We just bought a house though and money will be tight for a bit. We are also moving away to a new city and the fertility clinics in our new city don't have the best reviews. I'm torn right now whether to travel back to our old clinic for a few more IUIs or go to a new clinic for a third opinion. So yeah, right now I know we aren't done trying, but we are definitely on a break for the time being and I have no idea when we will try again.

carissar's picture
Joined: 06/22/07
Posts: 212

I think Nell said it perfectly. It is a very personal choice and one that sometimes changes on a whim. I cannot tell you how many times I just sat and cried because I wanted to give up because the pain and heartache was almost unbareable, but my heart just wouldn't let me. It took us 6 years and lots of losses, heartache, money, treatments, and commitment, but here we are waiting for our miracle come the end of June and I would walk through that fire again and again for the same outcome. I think you and your DH need to sit down and have a serious chat about what you both want and I wish you the best in what you decide, infertility is such a hard road, and it comes with lots of difficult choices. (((HUGS)))

dreamchaser's picture
Joined: 01/31/07
Posts: 681

I agree with the others. It is definitely a personal decision and one that may not be a permanent one. We've been ttc/not preventing since the day we got married (almost 8 yrs now). It has been a very long road for us (as with all of us here). Two years ago I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and unable to have further fertility treatments without the use of donor eggs. We have talked at great length about being done on this infertility roller coaster. Yet, we cannot bring ourselves to prevent a potential pregnancy. I will be 36 next month and after having my daughter at 21 I was sure my family would be complete by the time I was 30. I hate being in this limbo torture. I want to be done, move on, and never look back. But something deep inside me keeps me from closing that door completely. I am a believer also in living life without regrets. *HUGS* I've been considering seeing a therapist who specializes in fertility issues to help me move forward. Perhaps that is something you and your husband would consider?

Joined: 01/21/11
Posts: 19

Thanks for the responses ladies. I've grown more apathetic, but at times I still want a child. I don't know if seeing a therapist would help, but I should dust off my copy of Frankl's Man Search for Meaning and read some Kubler-Ross books. I think my main problem is that I can see the pros/cons to raising a child and the pros/cons of a childfree lifestyle, and I can't make up my mind. So instead of making a decision one way or another I perpetually sit on an increasingly uncomfortable fence Sad

blissfulliss's picture
Joined: 03/03/09
Posts: 337

It's hard to make a decision when really, it feels like it's something that's out of our control. There's no way of being 100% guaranteed of having a child, whether through fertility treatments, adoption, alternative medicine, lifestyle changes, etc. - BUT it's hard to relinquish that dream when you still have hope that you one day will have a child.

We've just hit our 4 year mark of TTC as well, and because our life has taken some unexpected turns in the last 6-8months, I'm feeling less desperate to get pg and more willing to put TTC on the back burner and just let it simmer a while, as we work through all of our major life changes of career change, moving, back in school and the possibility of becoming involved in overseas missions work.

I don't know about you, but every time I've said, "I give up...!" I've found that I'm not able to. At this point in TTC'ing, I know way too much about my body, my cycle, nutrition, etc. to completely give up and stop thinking about things... but there have been those times when I've had to distance myself emotionally and just enjoy my life as it currently stands - with no children... I'm going through one of those phases right now, mainly because I know that I don't have to $$ or time to spend on getting pregnant, so I'm trying to take care of myself and lead a healthy lifestyle so that when I DO have the time/$$, my body will be good to go.. (that is, if it's needed....see, even now I can't give up hope that I might get pg on my own lol)

What does your DH think? You said you don't think he's ready to give up yet.. is he wanting to pursue more fertility treatment or adoption?

Joined: 01/21/11
Posts: 19

"blissfulliss" wrote:

What does your DH think? You said you don't think he's ready to give up yet.. is he wanting to pursue more fertility treatment or adoption?

By our choice we haven't done any medical treatments and we have ruled out adoption. We've decided to just let it happen for now, but of course can always revisit this at a later date.

Joined: 03/02/07
Posts: 473

First of all, so sorry for your struggle.

I agree with what raingirl said entirely, about having regrets. In fact, I can say that that is professional advice given to me by someone I've been seeing to help me cope with my infertility situation, as well as another very difficult family situation I am dealing with. If you think there is part of you that would later on wish you had kept trying, that is a good reason to keep trying. You should definitely have peace with whatever your decision is. For me, that applied to using fertility treatments too. I struggled terribly with whether or not to pursue IVF, even when it became clear that would be my only reasonable chance to expand my family. It really did come down to whether or not I would regret never trying a few years from now when the window of chance would be closed. In my case, I knew I would have regrets and always wonder.

But, we didn't have success with the first IVF. Since then, I have unintentionally reevaluated. I am quite tired of the process of TTC and the emotional effect is has had on me. There have been times since the last IVF failed that I have felt entirely peaceful with my life just the way it is. During those times, it has felt like total freedom from an emotionally draining and exhausting experience. My counselor has said that if this does not end in a child, and we decide that we are not TTC anymore, there will be a grieving process. But, she thinks that is easier to deal with on some level that being in limbo-land, not knowing what decisions to make and how they will turn out. For now, we are doing another IVF. The doctor thinks there is still a reasonable chance of success and I am not ready to close the window yet.

It is such an individual decision. I wish you the best of luck with your decision making, and hope you find peace with whatever you decide.

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