Why does it have to be so hard?? (major vent - be warned)

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raingirl28's picture
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347
Why does it have to be so hard?? (major vent - be warned)

I know I haven't posted a whole lot lately. I just haven't been in the mood at all. DH and I had considered doing another round of Injectibles/IUI in December but I didn't meet the cutoff date before they closed for the holiday. The timing would have been perfect though.

DH wanted to do a round next cycle then when my next AF starts, but now I'm fighting with the stress that comes with it. You see, my job IS NOT flexible schedule wise. I work a set shift that rotates weekly. I can start work anywhere from 7AM to 4PM, and it's an 11 week rotation. In those 11 weeks I work 2 weekends. While it is not flexible, I can ask my manager for modified shifts (i.e. to come in later due to the cycle monitoring) and she can approve it. The problem I have with this is...well, there are many problems.

I have social anxiety. I have for years. I have been doing good overall but lately (i.e. the last year) I feel like I've been slipping. I just don't want to see people, talk to people, anything. I don't want to be around people or make plans or do anything social that involves me being around anyone. I just want to be at home all the time and avoid the outside world.

So the first problem is asking my manager to come in later to work. I fear one-on-one situations which is the core of my social anxiety. Large groups I'm fine but close personal get togethers freak me out. When I did my cycle that failed in October I spent weeks with major anxiety just dreading having to bring it up with her. I was having panic attacks at work all day long just thinking about it. I hate hate hate talking about myself when it comes to anything personal. I just HATE it and the anxiety level gets so high when I try that I usually end up crying just from the fear and then I just embarass myself further.

The second problem with this modified schedule is that if I ask my manager to start work later, then everyone at work will wonder why and ask questions. I work with 95% guys, and I really don't want to tell them where I am going yet they will all wonder and gossip. But at the same time we work a set schedule. For me to do anything outside the set schedule means I HAVE to tell me team ahead of time that I won't be in a X time on X days and I will instead be in at X time. I don't have to give a reason per se but I do have to advise everyone via email in case anyone is looking for me. And if my cycle monitoring falls on one of the weeks where I'm the first person in at 7 AM I have to find someone else to cover me, which is really hard to do without telling them why.

The third problem is the clinic. I can't book more than one monitoring appt in advance. So I won't know until the day before the approx time I will be in to work. Then again, sometimes the clinic does the u/s and blood work in 10 minutes, sometimes it takes an hour so I can never say for sure what will happen or when I will be in to work 100%. And I hate that. It stresses me out not being able to plan ahead. I could go in for 7 AM on one day and go to book the next day and not be able to get a slot until 8 AM. If I get anything past 8 AM, sometimes I miss my 9:10 train and the only next option to get to work is 10:10 train and that puts me in at 11:30. And if I get in at 11:30 AM I have to stay until 7:30 PM which sucks!

So...if you stuck with me reading this, thank you. Basically, I'm a huge chicken and the last time I did this I'm wondering if it was the stress of it all that made it not work. I just don't see a way out of the stress hole I've dug myself into... No matter which way I look at it I won't be able to calm down during the cycle. There are too many factors that are just going to make me stressed. I just hate being the centre of attention or being singled out. I just like to hide in my corner at work and do my thing without being noticed....

Joined: 02/24/11
Posts: 1651

So sorry abt your aggrevation only thing to suggest is maybe to have something in writing instead of actually having to speak with her .. I thought monitoring was only done with IVF

DannyT's picture
Joined: 09/11/11
Posts: 881

Rachel - I am so sorry for the stress and aggrivation. We all have our crosses to bear TTC if we are on this board. All I can say is I hope you don't give up because you are a wonderful warm person and you will be a wonderful mom.

FLSunshineMom's picture
Joined: 06/07/06
Posts: 3859


:bigarmhug: I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, Rach.

Could you tell them (in an email) that you have a female medical issue to deal with? Most men won't ask for details on that one.

dreamchaser's picture
Joined: 01/31/07
Posts: 681

I can relate to your situation. Back when we were doing treatments we did the cycle monitoring for IUI's as well. Every day from cycle day 10 thru IUI. I run a home day care and live a good 45 minutes from my RE. I would have my mom come over (which is half an hour out of her way) and watch my kiddos while I ran in to be there when the doors open at 7am. Or I'd take the little ones with me after the older kids went to school and had a friend stay in the car with them. It was a stressful time. I was going to suggest the same thing as Mary. Just say it's a female medical issue. Men will not ask any questions after you say that. *Hugs* I hope you find a way to get that cycle in.

mrs.doolittle's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 1335

I can relate to the anxiety of having to tell work about missing due to monitoring. I am fortunate in the sense that my job is more flexible, but when I had to miss work for IVF and IUI monitoring I had to say something to my co-workers. I told my male supervisor that I had a "medical condition" that required monitoring and treatment. I told him that I wouldn't know times/days until I had test results from my current appointment, but that I would let him know as early as possible. I told co-workers I had a "treatable medical condition" and that I would be returning to my normal schedule soon. There was another co-worker who was going through a kidney transplant about the same time and I know others were concerned that something serious might be wrong with me, too. That was why I added "treatable." If you even hint that you have a "female" condition, men will back off quickly! The hardest part for me was talking to my supervisor. I hadn't had a full blown panic attack in years, but was afraid that would induce one. Fortunately, it didn't and I felt much better after telling him. If you don't feel like you would be able to talk to your supervisor face-to-face, I suggest writing a brief letter. Emphasize that you will make sure you keep them informed of appointment times and that you will continue to apply yourself at work and they should be fine.

combatcutie's picture
Joined: 04/04/07
Posts: 2130

I'm so sorry about all the stress that comes along with TTC. I feel your pain b/c I also have social anxiety. DH thinks I'm crazy and it's all in my mind, but it's not. I wish you nothing but the best of luck

Joined: 07/26/04
Posts: 1595

I'm big on writing emails, just ask DH! Smile When I feel like I really need to get my point across thats what I do. Give it a shot.

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455


I have no suggestion, but I'm here for you.


WhiteWolf68's picture
Joined: 02/06/09
Posts: 505

I think you're still young enough to try other avenues of TTC that are not so stressful. Like acupuncture or massages. I gotta tell ya, I'm doing this one round of IVF and then quitting. Rather just TTC natural because those early mornings do stink. I wish it was easier... there are some clinics that are more flexible with testing times if they know you have job obligations. Maybe ask the clinic for different testing hours.


mrs.doolittle's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 1335

"WhiteWolf68" wrote:

... there are some clinics that are more flexible with testing times if they know you have job obligations. Maybe ask the clinic for different testing hours.

Depending on where you live, there might be other places that can do some of your monitoring and send the results to your RE. I had looked into this because our RE was 1.5 hours away, but any other monitoring sites would have been quite a distance, too. Maybe you could find a site that has other hours though?

Lizbet22's picture
Joined: 04/01/09
Posts: 2859

I haven't got an awful lot to add as everyone has said it wonderfully.
One thing I will say is that remember how good your bias was before and try to let that make it a little easier.
You are an amazing woman and people like you will get attention and maybe you need to enjoy it.
Allow people in to help.
It's hard but it will relieve stress.
And as Mari said.... Emails are a great way to get across what you want without being interrupted and ending up getting flustered.
You are truly lived and we are all with you by your dude holding your hand. Draw strength from us like we draw strength from you.
Love you girl xxxx

Joined: 03/02/07
Posts: 473

Hi Rachael. So sorry you have all this added stress, on top of the stress already of difficulty TTC.

I don't have any advice that wasn't already given. I hope some of those suggestions help. I think an email is a good way to open into it. You can take the time to really write exactly what you want to say without having the anxiety of being face to face.

I am going through a similar issue. I will be starting an IVF cycle towards the end of this month or early Feb, and am struggling with how to approach my boss. For my job, I work with people and have a set schedule everyday. So if I need to be late for monitoring, etc., there will be a person sitting there waiting for me. Needless to say, I have to have a discussion with my boss regarding what is going on and make sure I will be covered for the time I need. I have pretty much decided I have to tell her the truth, because if I explain what I need (possible time off in the morning for monitoring, plus a few days for bedrest after transfer), she'll probably figure it out anyway, and especially since the earlier we know we have to change the schedule, the better. That said, I have no plans to tell the rest of my coworkers what is going on. They can just know I have dr.'s appts. I am not looking forward to talking to my boss, by any means, but I do feel like I will get the most understanding if I am totally honest.

I hope you figure something out that works best for you. Keep us posted and good luck.

kadibug's picture
Joined: 07/17/11
Posts: 247

Sorry about your stress and frustration. I know about social anxiety but from all this IF bull$%#@! I wasn't a depressed person before IF struck. Now, I never want to go out. I never want to attend parties. I have become a huge hermit. I really feel for you in your anxiety (even if we came to it from different places). It's very difficult to discuss your scheduling needs for IF treatments, especially employers and co-workers. I teach school and the IF clinic is close to my school, however, it is very hard to find a sub for an hour or two a day. What do I do if the clinic is running behind? The sub teacher has to leave and I am stuck in the office waiting to spread my legs for yet another dreaded IUI or u/s or whatever.

Sometimes I wish I could just stay home... why can't my dh just make some more $$$$$?! Kidding.

Hang in there. Is there a manager you can relate to and discuss your scheduling needs with?