I know I haven't posted a whole lot lately. I just haven't been in the mood at all. DH and I had considered doing another round of Injectibles/IUI in December but I didn't meet the cutoff date before they closed for the holiday. The timing would have been perfect though.
DH wanted to do a round next cycle then when my next AF starts, but now I'm fighting with the stress that comes with it. You see, my job IS NOT flexible schedule wise. I work a set shift that rotates weekly. I can start work anywhere from 7AM to 4PM, and it's an 11 week rotation. In those 11 weeks I work 2 weekends. While it is not flexible, I can ask my manager for modified shifts (i.e. to come in later due to the cycle monitoring) and she can approve it. The problem I have with this is...well, there are many problems.
I have social anxiety. I have for years. I have been doing good overall but lately (i.e. the last year) I feel like I've been slipping. I just don't want to see people, talk to people, anything. I don't want to be around people or make plans or do anything social that involves me being around anyone. I just want to be at home all the time and avoid the outside world.
So the first problem is asking my manager to come in later to work. I fear one-on-one situations which is the core of my social anxiety. Large groups I'm fine but close personal get togethers freak me out. When I did my cycle that failed in October I spent weeks with major anxiety just dreading having to bring it up with her. I was having panic attacks at work all day long just thinking about it. I hate hate hate talking about myself when it comes to anything personal. I just HATE it and the anxiety level gets so high when I try that I usually end up crying just from the fear and then I just embarass myself further.
The second problem with this modified schedule is that if I ask my manager to start work later, then everyone at work will wonder why and ask questions. I work with 95% guys, and I really don't want to tell them where I am going yet they will all wonder and gossip. But at the same time we work a set schedule. For me to do anything outside the set schedule means I HAVE to tell me team ahead of time that I won't be in a X time on X days and I will instead be in at X time. I don't have to give a reason per se but I do have to advise everyone via email in case anyone is looking for me. And if my cycle monitoring falls on one of the weeks where I'm the first person in at 7 AM I have to find someone else to cover me, which is really hard to do without telling them why.
The third problem is the clinic. I can't book more than one monitoring appt in advance. So I won't know until the day before the approx time I will be in to work. Then again, sometimes the clinic does the u/s and blood work in 10 minutes, sometimes it takes an hour so I can never say for sure what will happen or when I will be in to work 100%. And I hate that. It stresses me out not being able to plan ahead. I could go in for 7 AM on one day and go to book the next day and not be able to get a slot until 8 AM. If I get anything past 8 AM, sometimes I miss my 9:10 train and the only next option to get to work is 10:10 train and that puts me in at 11:30. And if I get in at 11:30 AM I have to stay until 7:30 PM which sucks!
So...if you stuck with me reading this, thank you. Basically, I'm a huge chicken and the last time I did this I'm wondering if it was the stress of it all that made it not work. I just don't see a way out of the stress hole I've dug myself into... No matter which way I look at it I won't be able to calm down during the cycle. There are too many factors that are just going to make me stressed. I just hate being the centre of attention or being singled out. I just like to hide in my corner at work and do my thing without being noticed....