I know I haven't posted a whole lot lately. I just haven't been in the mood at all. DH and I had considered doing another round of Injectibles/IUI in December but I didn't meet the cutoff date before they closed for the holiday. The timing would have been perfect though.
DH wanted to do a round next cycle then when my next AF starts, but now I'm fighting with the stress that comes with it. You see, my job IS NOT flexible schedule wise. I work a set shift that rotates weekly. I can start work anywhere from 7AM to 4PM, and it's an 11 week rotation. In those 11 weeks I work 2 weekends. While it is not flexible, I can ask my manager for modified shifts (i.e. to come in later due to the cycle monitoring) and she can approve it. The problem I have with this is...well, there are many problems.
I have social anxiety. I have for years. I have been doing good overall but lately (i.e. the last year) I feel like I've been slipping. I just don't want to see people, talk to people, anything. I don't want to be around people or make plans or do anything social that involves me being around anyone. I just want to be at home all the time and avoid the outside world.
So the first problem is asking my manager to come in later to work. I fear one-on-one situations which is the core of my social anxiety. Large groups I'm fine but close personal get togethers freak me out. When I did my cycle that failed in October I spent weeks with major anxiety just dreading having to bring it up with her. I was having panic attacks at work all day long just thinking about it. I hate hate hate talking about myself when it comes to anything personal. I just HATE it and the anxiety level gets so high when I try that I usually end up crying just from the fear and then I just embarass myself further.
The second problem with this modified schedule is that if I ask my manager to start work later, then everyone at work will wonder why and ask questions. I work with 95% guys, and I really don't want to tell them where I am going yet they will all wonder and gossip. But at the same time we work a set schedule. For me to do anything outside the set schedule means I HAVE to tell me team ahead of time that I won't be in a X time on X days and I will instead be in at X time. I don't have to give a reason per se but I do have to advise everyone via email in case anyone is looking for me. And if my cycle monitoring falls on one of the weeks where I'm the first person in at 7 AM I have to find someone else to cover me, which is really hard to do without telling them why.
The third problem is the clinic. I can't book more than one monitoring appt in advance. So I won't know until the day before the approx time I will be in to work. Then again, sometimes the clinic does the u/s and blood work in 10 minutes, sometimes it takes an hour so I can never say for sure what will happen or when I will be in to work 100%. And I hate that. It stresses me out not being able to plan ahead. I could go in for 7 AM on one day and go to book the next day and not be able to get a slot until 8 AM. If I get anything past 8 AM, sometimes I miss my 9:10 train and the only next option to get to work is 10:10 train and that puts me in at 11:30. And if I get in at 11:30 AM I have to stay until 7:30 PM which sucks!
So...if you stuck with me reading this, thank you. Basically, I'm a huge chicken and the last time I did this I'm wondering if it was the stress of it all that made it not work. I just don't see a way out of the stress hole I've dug myself into... No matter which way I look at it I won't be able to calm down during the cycle. There are too many factors that are just going to make me stressed. I just hate being the centre of attention or being singled out. I just like to hide in my corner at work and do my thing without being noticed....
So sorry abt your aggrevation only thing to suggest is maybe to have something in writing instead of actually having to speak with her .. I thought monitoring was only done with IVF
Rachel - I am so sorry for the stress and aggrivation. We all have our crosses to bear TTC if we are on this board. All I can say is I hope you don't give up because you are a wonderful warm person and you will be a wonderful mom.
TTC since 2009
8/30/12 Lucas Anthony & Olivia Ann arrived at 37 weeks
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, Rach.
Could you tell them (in an email) that you have a female medical issue to deal with? Most men won't ask for details on that one.
Last edited by FLSunshineMom; 12-29-2011 at 10:00 PM.
~Remembering my father~
*Feb 1931 - Oct 2012*
I can relate to your situation. Back when we were doing treatments we did the cycle monitoring for IUI's as well. Every day from cycle day 10 thru IUI. I run a home day care and live a good 45 minutes from my RE. I would have my mom come over (which is half an hour out of her way) and watch my kiddos while I ran in to be there when the doors open at 7am. Or I'd take the little ones with me after the older kids went to school and had a friend stay in the car with them. It was a stressful time. I was going to suggest the same thing as Mary. Just say it's a female medical issue. Men will not ask any questions after you say that. *Hugs* I hope you find a way to get that cycle in.
I can relate to the anxiety of having to tell work about missing due to monitoring. I am fortunate in the sense that my job is more flexible, but when I had to miss work for IVF and IUI monitoring I had to say something to my co-workers. I told my male supervisor that I had a "medical condition" that required monitoring and treatment. I told him that I wouldn't know times/days until I had test results from my current appointment, but that I would let him know as early as possible. I told co-workers I had a "treatable medical condition" and that I would be returning to my normal schedule soon. There was another co-worker who was going through a kidney transplant about the same time and I know others were concerned that something serious might be wrong with me, too. That was why I added "treatable." If you even hint that you have a "female" condition, men will back off quickly! The hardest part for me was talking to my supervisor. I hadn't had a full blown panic attack in years, but was afraid that would induce one. Fortunately, it didn't and I felt much better after telling him. If you don't feel like you would be able to talk to your supervisor face-to-face, I suggest writing a brief letter. Emphasize that you will make sure you keep them informed of appointment times and that you will continue to apply yourself at work and they should be fine.
I'm big on writing emails, just ask DH! When I feel like I really need to get my point across thats what I do. Give it a shot.
DD Emily 2/10/05
TTC since Dec. 2009
*IVF #1: Failed early MC*
*IVF #2: Baby Cecilia born at 22 weeks.
I have no suggestion, but I'm here for you.
I think you're still young enough to try other avenues of TTC that are not so stressful. Like acupuncture or massages. I gotta tell ya, I'm doing this one round of IVF and then quitting. Rather just TTC natural because those early mornings do stink. I wish it was easier... there are some clinics that are more flexible with testing times if they know you have job obligations. Maybe ask the clinic for different testing hours.
Last edited by WhiteWolf68; 02-09-2013 at 04:25 PM.
Kyle 11/10/05, Connor 09/10/07
Faelynn & Finnley 09/24/12