Crappy day

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Leah261's picture
Joined: 09/14/11
Posts: 1244
Crappy day

I just had to get on here and post about my crappy day because I know you ladies will understand. I started off great this month. It was supposed to be our JLIH month and I was sure it'd be a nice little break and everything would be fine. Well apparently I'm way more in tune with my stupid cycle than I thought I was so we ended up DTD every other day the days leading up to and including the day I O'd. I'm not 100% sure I O'd but I had a lot of O pain and it hurt to walk and sit and all of the classic stuff for a few hours so I'd be surprised if I didn't.

Well after that honestly I just felt a little stressed. I was kind of upset and wished we had JLIH instead of me trying to force it to happen anyway. I'm a control freak. So I wasn't too worried about the 2WW though. I feel like our chances are so slim without the Clomid even though I O some on my own that I just didn't feel like I'd get too concerned with it. Well I'm around 7DPO today and had an absolute meltdown thanks to stupid hormones. This has happened every single month we've been TTC at around the same time. I start to get pms then and the mood swings are awful. I feel like because I had the awful mood swings today and got so upset over nothing that I'm probably not pregnant this month. Everything is already too close to what it's been like every other month. And so while I was upset for no reason I turned into being upset about it seeming like I'm not pregnant yet again.

Every month I don't think I can take it anymore and there's a little part of me that considers giving this up for a while. Sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with this heartbreak over and over and over again. I know I have an appt. with the RE next month and I really hope that helps because I just hate not knowing and I just can't understand why this hasn't happened yet. My OB thought for sure we were on top of things and it'd just take a few tries, especially with the Clomid and it's been 7 months and it's just not happening. I just don't know what to think anymore. I feel so defeated. I just want to let it go and be happy and enjoy the holidays. I'm tired of spending so much of my time being absolutely heartbroken. It was just such a crappy day thinking about all of this. I just wish I could forget it sometimes.

CrysRee31's picture
Joined: 06/01/11
Posts: 1473


I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time, especially at this very stressful time of year! I've been through the same doubts, wondering if it would be easier to just go back on BC and stop trying all together but then I guess I've come this far I might as well keep going.

Hopefully Santa will bring you some relief for Christmas and I'll keep my fingers crossed for your Christmas Miracle Smile

mrs.doolittle's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 1335

:bigarmhug: When TTC doesn't happen easily, it can be very hard to handle emotionally. It can also be rough on relationships. When you meet with your RE, I encourage you to let him/her know how you have been feeling and ask if they can recommend someone that can help you work through your disappointment.

Joined: 03/02/07
Posts: 473

Hi Leah, sorry about the rough day. It seems to me that my worst days are around 8-9 DPO, probably because I am getting anxious about whether I may be pregnant or not, but also dreading and already feeling sad about the inevitible BFN. Oh, and there is no just JLIH with me either. Once you know how your cycle works, you can never go back to just JLIH. That's how I know we've been trying as long as we have, even though my husband didn't know we were ALWAYS hitting the right timing at the beginning, but we were.

I think you do have something good planned will be surprised at how much more helpful RE's are than OB's. They will no doubt do a very complete workup on you/hubby to get a clear picture of what is going on.

It is the worst to want something so bad, and be let down. I agree with Beth, see if you can find someone to talk to who can help give you coping strategies to keep going on TTC. Because chances are, it will happen for you, and you know you want to keep trying! My old RE's office had a psychologist who specialized in infertility. I have been seeing a counselor to help me deal with family issues that are not my own, but it has also turned into dealing with my infertility problems since it has been such a source of upset. It has helped me immensely in validating how I feel, dealing with the fact that I cannot control this and giving me tools to help cope with the disappointment and decisions I've had to face. Good luck.

alwayssmile's picture
Joined: 08/26/07
Posts: 14483


TTC is this awful, awful roller coaster.

Leah261's picture
Joined: 09/14/11
Posts: 1244

Thank you so much for the support and info ladies. I think I'll mention to the RE how hard it's been. DH has been so great helping me deal with it but so much of what I feel he can't do anything about no matter how much he wants to or how much he loves me. Poor men just don't get so many things because they don't have hormones to deal with. DH is disappointed every month but he's never heartbroken like I am. I hope the RE really does make a big difference for us. I'm so nervous about all the testing and how long it'll be before we can really TTC again. I'm afraid they'll make me take time off so they can do testing first and I don't want to waste time at this point...even though sometimes I feel like going back on the pill I know I never will until we've gotten our baby. It just feels like this impossible fantasy sometimes. Thankfully DH is probably optimistic enough for the both of us. I don't think he'll worry at all until it's been over a year...he just worries for me at this point. Smile