I just had to get on here and post about my crappy day because I know you ladies will understand. I started off great this month. It was supposed to be our JLIH month and I was sure it'd be a nice little break and everything would be fine. Well apparently I'm way more in tune with my stupid cycle than I thought I was so we ended up DTD every other day the days leading up to and including the day I O'd. I'm not 100% sure I O'd but I had a lot of O pain and it hurt to walk and sit and all of the classic stuff for a few hours so I'd be surprised if I didn't.
Well after that honestly I just felt a little stressed. I was kind of upset and wished we had JLIH instead of me trying to force it to happen anyway. I'm a control freak. So I wasn't too worried about the 2WW though. I feel like our chances are so slim without the Clomid even though I O some on my own that I just didn't feel like I'd get too concerned with it. Well I'm around 7DPO today and had an absolute meltdown thanks to stupid hormones. This has happened every single month we've been TTC at around the same time. I start to get pms then and the mood swings are awful. I feel like because I had the awful mood swings today and got so upset over nothing that I'm probably not pregnant this month. Everything is already too close to what it's been like every other month. And so while I was upset for no reason I turned into being upset about it seeming like I'm not pregnant yet again.
Every month I don't think I can take it anymore and there's a little part of me that considers giving this up for a while. Sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with this heartbreak over and over and over again. I know I have an appt. with the RE next month and I really hope that helps because I just hate not knowing and I just can't understand why this hasn't happened yet. My OB thought for sure we were on top of things and it'd just take a few tries, especially with the Clomid and it's been 7 months and it's just not happening. I just don't know what to think anymore. I feel so defeated. I just want to let it go and be happy and enjoy the holidays. I'm tired of spending so much of my time being absolutely heartbroken. It was just such a crappy day thinking about all of this. I just wish I could forget it sometimes.