Having an awful day (child ment)

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Last seen: 2 years 3 months ago
Joined: 03/02/07
Posts: 473
Having an awful day (child ment)

After over a year of being calm about this, I am totally losing it today. It is 15 months since we first began trying for this child. I've been through a forced break in TTC while having diagnosis, treatment and surgery for endometriosis. Last month was the first try after the surgery. I had an early miscarriage, which really gave me hope that the surgery was successful and the reason for my infertility. The last few days I could swear I felt pregnant and I couldn't help but get my hopes up. But my BBT temps are not as high as usual for pregnancy for me and I tested this AM (probably 10 DPO) and it was completely negative. I'm mad at myself for testing since it was a waste.

I've been in tears and feeling depressed all day. I am so frustrated and I hate how this has taken over my life and thoughts right now. I have two wonderful children and I am mad at myself for even wanting another, for not being 100% content with what I have. I really wish I didn't want another, but it's like I can't control it. I am so envious of those that get pregnant easily, even though that was me the first time. And I get really sad thinking about how easy it was the first time, and how everything deteriorated so fast after that (had trouble with the second one too, but not quite this long). After I had my first, I never, ever dreamed I'd go through all this and would still be trying well over a year later. The control freak in me is upset that I am years behind my "schedule" for children. And now I feel time pressure due to my age.

I've been through this enough times to know that the first few days of disappointment are the worst, then I'll be able to regroup. But today has been especially bad. My husband doesn't want to be unsupportive, but he just doesn't understand. And he doesn't know how I've been obsessing.

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. Sorry to be such a downer, but I just don't feel like saying all this to anyone in real life. I know I sound crazy right now.

turtnjay's picture
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 02/24/09
Posts: 2095


Im so sorry you are going through this. But know you are not alone. I really hope you can get back to feeling 'normal' very soon.

yellow.rose.of.canada's picture
Last seen: 1 year 1 month ago
Joined: 01/13/10
Posts: 1174

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm feeling something similar. It took us over 18 months to conceive DD. Got pregnant on the 4th cycle of TTC this time around, which ended in m/c.
I feel guilty for being so upset and feeling like there's something missing because I already have two amazing kids. And, I'm pretty control freak and had this schedule for my kids all planned out. I really wanted kids close together and now it may not happen.

I think the most important thing is for you to understand that you are having valid feelings and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. I like to think that you want more because there is another member of your family missing who will hopefully join you soon. Smile

Praying that it happens soon for you.

AnnaRO's picture
Last seen: 6 months 2 weeks ago
Joined: 07/06/08
Posts: 7033

You're having a really bad day, and I totally get it. You'll have better days after this, and you probably already have days where you start to feel like you are coming to terms with this, and then you get that BFN or AF arrives and you spiral back into this zone of anger and dispair. I have been there. It took us 2.5 years to conceive the first time. I got to where I resented every pregnant woman that I saw, and I would get really angry at people who had such an easy time getting pg. I'm also terrified that it'll be that way this time too.

Hopefully you'll get your BFP soon! I know how you feel in the meantime though.

Last seen: 2 years 3 months ago
Joined: 03/02/07
Posts: 473

Thank you for your responses. It helps, it really does. I know I am not alone with these feelings.

I feel 99% better now. I wonder if part of the sadness is pre-AF/AF hormones because it is hard to break that funk those first few days.

I will see my RE soon (that is who did my surgery) and will be able to talk about the short LP problem and what options I have.

AnnaRO, I hope you have the opposite experience that I have had......long wait on the first one and pleasant surprise the second. I have several friends for whom this is has happened!