After over a year of being calm about this, I am totally losing it today. It is 15 months since we first began trying for this child. I've been through a forced break in TTC while having diagnosis, treatment and surgery for endometriosis. Last month was the first try after the surgery. I had an early miscarriage, which really gave me hope that the surgery was successful and the reason for my infertility. The last few days I could swear I felt pregnant and I couldn't help but get my hopes up. But my BBT temps are not as high as usual for pregnancy for me and I tested this AM (probably 10 DPO) and it was completely negative. I'm mad at myself for testing since it was a waste.
I've been in tears and feeling depressed all day. I am so frustrated and I hate how this has taken over my life and thoughts right now. I have two wonderful children and I am mad at myself for even wanting another, for not being 100% content with what I have. I really wish I didn't want another, but it's like I can't control it. I am so envious of those that get pregnant easily, even though that was me the first time. And I get really sad thinking about how easy it was the first time, and how everything deteriorated so fast after that (had trouble with the second one too, but not quite this long). After I had my first, I never, ever dreamed I'd go through all this and would still be trying well over a year later. The control freak in me is upset that I am years behind my "schedule" for children. And now I feel time pressure due to my age.
I've been through this enough times to know that the first few days of disappointment are the worst, then I'll be able to regroup. But today has been especially bad. My husband doesn't want to be unsupportive, but he just doesn't understand. And he doesn't know how I've been obsessing.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. Sorry to be such a downer, but I just don't feel like saying all this to anyone in real life. I know I sound crazy right now.