Having a hard time-again. (major vent warning)
First, I am going to apologize for not posting on all the new threads the last few days. I wish you all the best of luck and will catch up some time.
It started on Thursday when I had my bloodwork done. I had to start the estrogen supplements, which I expected. What I didn't expect was that my progesterone would be low-while on the supplements 3x/day. I had to start taking prometrium, which I took before when I had complications with my second child's pregnancy, and make me feel like total garbage. But there was no mention of this possibility ever before, and the unexpectedness really threw me off. I asked the nurse if this indicated whether the IVF worked or not, and she said not necessarily, it was still early. But of course the worry and anxiety started.
Friday I felt more positive again, and felt physically pretty horrible and decided either it was the prometrium, or I was pregnant. Tested Saturday-whiter than white BFN. Tested today-whiter than white BFN. I am 9dp3dt, and totally not pregnant. I feel completely not pregnant. My blood test is in a few days, so I guess there is still an outside chance, but by now I know I should be seeing something. Also, since I've been pregnant before, I totally know how I feel when I am.
Even though I knew that the chances were no more than 50/50, I am pretty devastated. I can't help but wonder if my anxiety/depression over this is helping it to fail. I used to be an upbeat, positive person, but I am not that person anymore. My husband doesn't know how to handle me and is frankly tired of seeing me in tears and moping instead of doing my normal routine. I can't blame him, especially since this has been happening for about a year, and we have children already-which leads to more guilt on my part.
I am slightly embarrassed to ask this, even in cyberspace, but has anyone used any depression/anxiety medication while TTC? I am starting to wonder (as is DH) if I need something to help me cope. All my normal coping mechanisms are failing me. I feel embarrassed to ask my doctor about it. I just feel miserable, and I'm not bouncing back like I used to.
On a side note, this week there were at least 5 new pregnancies announced on FB, work, etc. People my age, people that people that are having their 2nd child during the time I'm trying to have this one, one person who had had IVF. I am happy for them, but it has just poured salt in the wound that keeps growing. Why can't this happen for me? And now I am 37-never thought I'd still be doing this with another year passed.
I don't know why I am not completely happy with what I've been given. I know I am fortunate to have had children already and there are so many of you trying for your first.
Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. It is so hard to express all this in real life sometimes.