Having a hard time-again. (major vent warning)

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Joined: 03/02/07
Posts: 473
Having a hard time-again. (major vent warning)

First, I am going to apologize for not posting on all the new threads the last few days. I wish you all the best of luck and will catch up some time.

It started on Thursday when I had my bloodwork done. I had to start the estrogen supplements, which I expected. What I didn't expect was that my progesterone would be low-while on the supplements 3x/day. I had to start taking prometrium, which I took before when I had complications with my second child's pregnancy, and make me feel like total garbage. But there was no mention of this possibility ever before, and the unexpectedness really threw me off. I asked the nurse if this indicated whether the IVF worked or not, and she said not necessarily, it was still early. But of course the worry and anxiety started.

Friday I felt more positive again, and felt physically pretty horrible and decided either it was the prometrium, or I was pregnant. Tested Saturday-whiter than white BFN. Tested today-whiter than white BFN. I am 9dp3dt, and totally not pregnant. I feel completely not pregnant. My blood test is in a few days, so I guess there is still an outside chance, but by now I know I should be seeing something. Also, since I've been pregnant before, I totally know how I feel when I am.

Even though I knew that the chances were no more than 50/50, I am pretty devastated. I can't help but wonder if my anxiety/depression over this is helping it to fail. I used to be an upbeat, positive person, but I am not that person anymore. My husband doesn't know how to handle me and is frankly tired of seeing me in tears and moping instead of doing my normal routine. I can't blame him, especially since this has been happening for about a year, and we have children already-which leads to more guilt on my part.

I am slightly embarrassed to ask this, even in cyberspace, but has anyone used any depression/anxiety medication while TTC? I am starting to wonder (as is DH) if I need something to help me cope. All my normal coping mechanisms are failing me. I feel embarrassed to ask my doctor about it. I just feel miserable, and I'm not bouncing back like I used to.

On a side note, this week there were at least 5 new pregnancies announced on FB, work, etc. People my age, people that people that are having their 2nd child during the time I'm trying to have this one, one person who had had IVF. I am happy for them, but it has just poured salt in the wound that keeps growing. Why can't this happen for me? And now I am 37-never thought I'd still be doing this with another year passed.

I don't know why I am not completely happy with what I've been given. I know I am fortunate to have had children already and there are so many of you trying for your first.

Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. It is so hard to express all this in real life sometimes.

WhiteWolf68's picture
Joined: 02/06/09
Posts: 505

I know a few ladies on here that are on anti-depression meds while TTC. If it helps any, I didn't have my 1st child till I was 37, I started out very late in life and now I am going to be 44. It's been a long bumpy road with lots of ups and downs but I find that by reading books like "The Secret" and listening to positive affirmation CD's, it helps. Trust me, I've had months of being down though, like when I miscarried 3 years ago and then had to have surgery right after because of pre-cancerous cells. In the end, we're fighters, not quitters and that's what keeps us moving forward. /hugs

Joined: 02/24/11
Posts: 1651

Hi Kara :bigarmhug: dont be embarassed to ask for help! Its better you find something to help you now before. Its gets worse! Just wait until you get your blood test before anything

meggyrn's picture
Joined: 02/16/09
Posts: 2263

Don't ever be embarrased to ask anything here. I think it is completely normal to have depression while TTC. This is a very stressful time in your life. It could very likely be a situational depression. I was the exact same way as you when going throug fertility treatments. My parents would talk to me a lot telling me I had to go see someone about my depression. and anxiety. Of course, I denied it. Since DH and I are done with fertility treatments I feel much better.

It's still hard at times for me to hear ppl announce their pregnancies or see new babies and I've come to peace with not having children. Everything you are feeling is completely normal for a woman going through the stress of fertility treatments. I wish it was easier, but it's not. We are all here for you. Vent anytime you wish.

:bighug:

DancingNancy's picture
Joined: 08/30/11
Posts: 520

I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you as I felt very similar to the way you are describing after our first cycle. But first things first, this is NOT your fault in any way. You did not cause any of this. As for the AD's while TTC I have no experience or advice. Just big hugs. I hope that you are able to find some hope and peace - in whatever form that may come. Please let us know what we can do to help you! :bighug:

ETA: I completely understand about how it feels like the preg announcements are coming in droves. I don't get on Facebook anymore for that exact reason. It's so hard to not ask "Why not me?" I've tried to not focus on that but instead tell myself that for whatever reason, that's their journey and for whatever reason it's not mine right now. It's so hard though. :bighug:

Mimi83's picture
Joined: 08/04/09
Posts: 185

:bigarmhug: Kara I am so sorry. As PPs have said, there is nothing embarrassing about depression during TTC especially when other people seem to succeed so easy. And the fact that this is not your first baby does not make any difference. :bigarmhug:

Joined: 12/07/10
Posts: 2421

Kara, first, :bigarmhug:

I keep deleting everything I write....I can't seem to get my thoughts out. I definitely feel your pain and I wish I had some magic words that will dull some of your pain.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This ttc journey is such an emotional rollercoaster and there is nothing wrong with asking for help if you feel like you need it. I'm thinking of doing the same. I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. I'm no longer the happy carefree person I used to be....I almost don't recognize myself anymore. I'm depressed and as much as I hate to admit it, I've become bitter as well. I hate that I'm feeling this way and know that I need help.

You should not feel guilty about your desire to have another child. You have every right to want another child to love. I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts and know that we are all here for you. :bigarmhug:

Joined: 03/02/07
Posts: 473

Thank you all for the advice and concern. You have no idea how much it helps to have people out there that understand. I am officially not pregnant after my blood test this morning. Before I left for the appointment, I boxed up my leftover medications, needles, HPT's and put them into our guest room closet. I even threw in the OPK's I had lying around. I want it out of sight.

The nurse said I could schedule my follow up with the doctor tomorrow, but I put it off a few weeks. I need to make sure my husband can come with me-I am afraid of more bad news and I am done going to these appointments on my own. I hope to be feeling better emotionally by then. Tomorrow, I would be crying the entire time. I think my face is swollen from all the tears the last few days.

I am going in search of a counselor who works with people who have infertility who can maybe help give me strategies to cope with all of this, and I am going to get started on meditation to calm down my anxiety and stress (thank you WhiteWolf for the advice). I haven't tried that yet, and really, I don't like to take medications much anyway. (pretty funny after doing an IVF cycle) I am going to start running and exercising and yoga again. We are going on vacation in a week which will be a good distraction and I will focus on the blessings I have in my life, and imbibe in a few cocktails. Then, if the doctor thinks there is still hope, maybe we will try this again in April.

I don't know how to get the "hug" smiley face, but want to send the hugs right back to you all. This is not easy for anyone who finds themselves on this board and for you to reach out through your own pain to help me through this is just wonderful, and appreciated.

DancingNancy's picture
Joined: 08/30/11
Posts: 520

I am so sorry that it did not work. My heart breaks for you. I wish there was something that I could say or do to take away some of the sadness but know that you are surrounded by people who love you and your family and wish nothing but the best for you. It sounds like you have a good plan with the appt and the vacation. Take care of yourself. Your body has been through a lot. Yoga has been life-changing and affirming for me. I hope that it is the same for you.

meggyrn's picture
Joined: 02/16/09
Posts: 2263

:bighug: Sorry this did not work. I think you made a good decision in waiting a while before your f/u appt. You need time to process this on your own and it will be easier to have DH with you. I know the feeling of crying so much. It's amazing there are even enough tears to cry. You think you've cried them all out. Yes, yoga will be great. It can also help with fertility. That's actually why I started going to yoga. Enjoy your vacation and a few drinks!

Mimi83's picture
Joined: 08/04/09
Posts: 185

:bigarmhug: I am so sorry it did not work this time Kara Sad Like PPs said taking time to make your decision about what to do next is a good thing. Please enjoy your upcoming vacation and drink one for me Smile I'll be thinking about you!

mrs.doolittle's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 1335

More cyber hugs coming from here, too! :bigarmhug:

I think you're wise to find a counselor who specializes in IF and to postpone the follow-up. Most IVF clinics can recommend a counselor. I would ask your RE. I don't know of any woman who could go through IF and failed treatments without feeling down. Even if we could afford another cycle financially, the feeling of hopelessness that comes when a cycle fails keeps me from wanting to try IVF again.

Enjoy your vacation!

kadibug's picture
Joined: 07/17/11
Posts: 247

I started seeing a counselor after my last loss. It has already helped me. I, too, fear a BFN after IVF. I'm sure if/when it comes, I'll be seeing my counselor more frequently. IF has triggered depression in my life. I hear it's normal but that doesn't make you feel better. Some days you are just so SICK of being sad and disappointed. Basically, I know how you feel and I am sad with/for you. We will all get through this and life will be okay... right?

Joined: 12/07/10
Posts: 2421

Kara, I'm so sorry. :bigarmhug: :bigarmhug:

I think it's a great idea to take a little time for yourself before the follow-up appointment. I hope working with the counselor will help you heal. I wish this whole process was easier.....:(. I think yoga and running will be good for you. Not just physically but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well. I started running and I just simply feel better about myself.

I hope you have a relaxing vacation and come back feeling a little better. :bigarmhug: