monkeycat

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reb2591020's picture
Joined: 09/20/09
Posts: 333
monkeycat

Good luck today!!! How everything goes smooth. Rest up but let us know it went.

Rachel

meggyrn's picture
Joined: 02/16/09
Posts: 2263

:goodluck:

monkeycat's picture
Joined: 07/21/06
Posts: 132

Thanks!!! I called at 9:30 this am and the nurse said the embryologist said both embies were looking good!! I cried. I'd forgotten how nerve wracking calls to the RE are. FET scheduled for 12:30, so I'm hoping the little guys hang on intil they get into mama and settle down for a nice long stay! I'll KYP
Carolyn

meggyrn's picture
Joined: 02/16/09
Posts: 2263

They must be good strong embies for both of them to survive the thaw!! I'll be thinking about you!

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

I'm so excited for your Carolyn!!! That's great that both were looking good. KUP during your 2ww.

reb2591020's picture
Joined: 09/20/09
Posts: 333

That is great news!! Hope they snuggle in...

Jenn...love your new profile pic!!

We need to do a Houston get together...drinks...dinner, well maybe just dinner since Jenn is KU and hopefully Carolyn you are too!! I will do the drinking... Biggrin

monkeycat's picture
Joined: 07/21/06
Posts: 132
child/sad stuff ment

*****HIGH ALERT WARNING****
**GIANT emotional vomit puddle ahead - proceed at your own risk**

Well, only one of my embies made it all the way to transfer, but that's still better than what I was dreading. RE said with the quality of the embryo, we had a 25-30% chance of pregnancy, which I figure is pretty good. He gave us a picture and he was holding another sheet that looked like it had lots of numbers on it, and I desperately wanted to know what it said, but I figured if I knew that info it would just be something more to obsess over.

Transfer itself went just fine - I forgot how fast it goes. Of course, now I have to stop all the crazy thoughts/questions - at what point did the other embryo become non-viable? did this one stop growing right after the transfer? was all that emotional investment, time, energy, etc. for nothing? (and I know this one is especially crazy) what if he/she fell out as soon as I stood up?

The next two weeks are going to be reeeeally long. I don't go back for two whole weeks, but I'll be POASing waaay before then, I think. I started at 5dp5dt last time and got my BFP at 7dp5dt. If this embryo was frozen the day after the initial transfer, does that mean I'm technically 6dpo? Or only 5dpo? For you POAS pushers, when would you start testing? Anybody say it's better to wait the two whole weeks?

RE said to act pregnant - no mountain biking, strenuous exercise, scuba diving (he actually listed those things - I think he was trying to make a joke but he's really dry so it's hard to tell) which is a piece of cake because I'm pretty much one of the laziest people on the planet, but he said I could carry on with a normal activity level. We grabbed lunch on the way home and then I parked it on the couch. I made DH do all the baby lifting (she's about 27lbs) but I carried her after he picked her up. Is that okay? Did anybody get put on bedrest? I didn't the last time, and I got DD out of that cycle. I thought it was funny when he told me my job was "to think sticky thoughts" Smile

I just feel really odd about the whole thing. My very first IVF cycle was successful. What are the odds that my first FET with my only remaining embryo will be, too? Does anybody ever get THAT lucky? And why should I get to? How many people have gone through cycle after cycle only to have their heart shattered each and every damn time?

I want to be hopeful but I'm afraid to be. And I keep thinking - what right do I have to hope? I have one beautiful, healthy child already. I feel a little selfish wanting more. A baby I took care of as a NICU nurse is having a really bad go at life, and now that I'm a hospice nurse, I'm seeing way too many people being stuck down by things like cancer in the prime of their lives. (My newest patient is only 39.) Not to mention the thousands upon thousands of people struggling with IF. So what right do I have to hope and long for another baby? But I do.

And while I'm glad I didn't have to deal with all the crap that goes along with a fresh IVF cycle (the endless u/s, blood draws, shots, expense, etc.), I think skipping all of that made today seem even more surreal. I was there on the table (with no Valium or anything, mind you) thinking "how did we get here? Are we really about to make this huge life choice? After this we won't have anymore embryos in storage. If this doesn't work it will be years before we'll able to try again. What quality eggs will I have then? I could end up pregnant again. Or quite possibly not. Two weeks ago we weren't even sure we'd be able to afford this. And here we are. Is this really happening?" It all felt very dreamlike - the green lighting added to that, I'm sure. I keep expecting to feel different, but I don't.

I took a kinda half-nap this afternoon while DH and DD were playing outside, and when I woke up I was really sad that one of our embies didn't make it. But I'm glad they're aren't suspended, waiting for a chance at life anymore. One already went to be with God, and if God is ready for the one in my uterus, I guess He'll get that one, too. I know that what is supposed to happen is what will happen, and I'm praying for the strength to accept God's will, but I keep swinging from hopeful to despairing to equivocal. F*$@ing hormones.

I keep trying to think about the embie inside and try to connect to him/her to give a little pep talk (stay put - don't fall out - dig in - make a nice home - see you in 38+/- weeks). (I know that sounds weird.) But every time I do that, I start wondering if he/she is even alive anymore or if I'm just "talking" to myself. I think the more I know about how miraculous it is for anyone to achieve a pregnancy - spontaneously or assisted - all the things that have to happen in just the right way at just the right time, the harder it is to believe this could ever work. But I know it can. So then I hope again. Its a vicious cycle. No pun intended.

I know my chance of multiples is virtually nil (which I'm thankful for) since there is only one, and I know a lot of practices are doing single transfers, but I keep thinking I'd feel better if they'd both made it. I don't know if that's because then they'd EACH have a 25-30% chance or if it's because I know they were both alive this morning and only one was alive by this afternoon, so does that mean this one will die soon, too? I know how illogical that all sounds, but I'm hoping the nurse this morning checked on someone else's embies and I only had the one all along. Is it strange I'm hoping for a little spotting three or four days from now?

Sorry this was so long. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Maybe they pump funny gas into the transfer room. If anyone has any tips learned in the trenches of IF warfare, please feel free to share. It will definitely not be a threadjack if you want to share the crazy thoughts you had/have. I would welcome the company at the asylum:)

I really don't want all this to come off as ungrateful. I feel really blessed for the chance to expand my family. I guess I'm just a little depressed, too.

Rebecca - you are absolutely right -but let's wait two weeks so if this cycle is a bust you won't have to drink alone!

Carolyn

Joined: 06/06/11
Posts: 201

Hi Carolyn,

First- congrats on your perfect embie for FET! I think it's totally normal to have all of those feelings, though my situation is different, I have felt many of those similar feelings too. My life already has so many blessings, too many to count, maybe having a child of my own is too much to ask for. But then I remember that it definitely is not. We aren't praying away for a new pair of shoes (well OK sometimes I do that, too :D), we are praying for a baby, a family, a new life. I think it's the right thing to get excited and be hopeful, our mental state affects our physiological one. But what I'm constantly reminding myself is that if "IF" pregnancy does not happen for me, it will not define me. I will still be me.

Maybe I'm alone in this approach but... rather than be afraid to get your hopes up because you can't handle the let down, change how you perceive it. Get excited, get hopeful. But decide right now that if it doesn't work, you can be sad, but it won't change who you are inside. That for me has been my biggest lesson and remembrance though my 5 years of infertility.

I do a lot of meditation, too, and listen to talks on happiness from some great spiritual teachers. If you are interested, I can send you a link.

Also, I've done a hypnotherapy session and the hypnotherapist was wonderful. She gave me a mantra to repeat in the mirror several times a day and I love it. "I can handle anything that comes my way. But if get nervous or scared, I just have to take a deep breath. And I already know how to breathe."

Anyway, just some of my thoughts. I hope you had a good night's sleep and will wake up tmrw feeling more grounded and more hopeful.

(((big hug)))

reb2591020's picture
Joined: 09/20/09
Posts: 333

I know it is so hard after the transfer because of all the build up and emotions that go into the process whether fresh or FET. One thing I do know for sure is the embie can't fall out when you stand up. Smile I am sure he/she is snuggling in for a long nap.

You are not being selfish, if you want multiple children you should not feel guilty about it. And yes, it can happen twice...think positive!! I so know it is easier said than done. Can't wait for you to start POAS.

Rest up and keep us posted during the dreaded 2ww!!

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

:bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug:

I am right there with you on SO MANY levels! Feeling selfish for wanting more than 1 is the big one. But really, so any people have multiple children - why can't we want more than one?

And I agree, stay positive, assume you are pg. Here is my take on it - if its a BFN you will be sad either way, whether you are hopeful now or not, right? So be hopeful now, enjoy every day until the test - its not going to make the results any less nerve wracking to hear. Just try to bond with your LO and enjoy being PUPO.

Everything you are feeling is so normal but not easy to go through. I hope your BFP comes soon and you can rest easy. And in 2 weeks we get together and you CAN'T drink Blum 3

waggner's picture
Joined: 04/20/04
Posts: 60

That's what is so awesome about this board. You feel like the only person in the world feeling like that, and then everyone tells you they have the exact same emotions about it all.

I'm kinda crazy with my little guys too. I talked to them all the way through stims, I talk to them now and I will talk to them if we get PG. If nothing else, it makes me feel more connected-maybe because this is the "passive" stage. We were always doing something (BCP, shots, US and bloodwork) to get to this point and now it's just sit and wait-and obsess over every symptom (or lack of)

My RE wants 2 days of bedrest, but the paperwork specifcally says there is no medical proof that it increases success rates. I took advantage of it though just because I deserved a mini-vacation and how could DH argue with medical advice Smile

Just keep encouraging that little bean and remember what *everyone* tells us all-"just relax". Yeah, right...

PS-I am worse this time than last with POAS. I started today- 3dp5dt. I could never wait 2 weeks! There has got to be a POAS anonymous I can join

Thinking of you!!

monkeycat's picture
Joined: 07/21/06
Posts: 132

Thank you all so much!! You guys are so amazing. And so right. I feel much better today. Still cautious but like y'all said, better to be happy for the next two weeks instead of being sad/upset, etc. Just makes life easier. During pg with DD, I was sooo afraid of having another m/c that I didn't want to tell anybody. But then I had a bad episode of bleeding (subchorionic hematoma) at seven weeks and when I found out she was doing well, I figured "screw this - I'm going to tell EVERYBODY and enjoy every minute of being pg no matter how long it lasts." You'd think that after dealing with IF for 11 years, I'd know what to do and feel by now, but I guess I'm rusty since we've not been trying for over two years now:) Or maybe it's something you're not supposed to get used to.

bluelotus - I love your advice and your mantra. That's the type of person I usually try to be, but for some reason this time I am having a hard time pulling myself up. I'm going to blame the PIO - I didn't have to do those the last time:) And I'd love any links you'd like to share. Thanks.

And speaking of PIO, thanks to those bastards, I'm already hungry all the time and have to pee every one to two hours. (This started a few days ago.) I work out of my car making home visits - guess I'll get real acquainted with public restrooms now!

Jenn - Why do we feel so guilty for wanting more than one? Do we feel like we don't deserve it or something? I don't get it. And I'd be thrilled to hang out and have a virgin daiquiri or four with you!

Rebecca - thanks for the reassurance about him not being able to fall out. I don't know why I'm so afraid of that! Have I mentioned I'm crazy? I'm thinking about POAS next Friday. Want to do it Thursday but I have some exhausting visits planned and I don't want to be distracted. Hopefully next Friday will be a light day.

Brenda -the dreaded r-word! I tried to do that today. Sent DD to her grandparents and DH outside to do yard work (which took awhile thanks to all the rain lately - thank you God!) and caught up on some DVR stuff and napped. It was nice. Haven't had a day off in a looong time. I even went to work yesterday morning before the FET. And you're right about it being hard to be passive now. I know that I've done everything I can do and whether I get pg or not completely depends on how healthy my little one is and what God has planned for me. I guess no matter how much I just really try to go with the flow, it's hard to not be in control, you know? I'm with you being a POAS-holic. I have one Answer brand in the bathroom right now, but I have to pick up DHs medications at Walgreens tomorrow, so who knows how many I'll bring home! How soon is too soon to start? How long does it take for implantation to occur? A day or two? And then for HCG to get into the system? Another day or two? I'm so impatient!! I can't wait to rack your progress and hear all your good news!!

A great big thank you to all of you again. I don't know what I'd do without y'all. I think you've saved my sanity! I hope everything goes great for all of you!

Carolyn

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

I have no idea why we feel that way. It's like we need to be happy with what we have and not take it for granted?! However, I never take deacon for granted, I worship the ground he throws his fits on, lol.

Oh I know, we can get snocones! Lol, it's hot enough here they are everywhere.

meggyrn's picture
Joined: 02/16/09
Posts: 2263

I'm a little late jumping in here.

All of your feelings are completely understandable. I hope your embie is digging in right now and making a nice home.

ChristiGirl's picture
Joined: 06/21/06
Posts: 263

Also late to the thread, but wanted to give you my encouragement and let you know that you're not alone. Wanting multiple children is no different for a fertile couple than a couple struggling with IF. No one blinks twice if a fertile couple says they're working on their next child (unless maybe it's their 19th kid like that show on television or something, but I digress). So, why should we, as IF's, not want the same thing? Don't feel guilty. All the IF's in the world are cheering you on as you strive for your dream of a family. Including me! So, dig in little embie! I'm thinking sticky thoughts for you! :goodluck: