Still not over it

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DancingNancy's picture
Joined: 08/30/11
Posts: 520
Still not over it

I don't really know where else to turn because I feel like I can't talk to anyone IRL because I feel terribly guilty. Heck, one of our dear friends is battling cancer and I feel like an absolutely horrible person for even being sad. Logically, I know that I have a great life and that I'm so blessed but I'm still not over it not working. I'm so sad and anxious that it will never happen. And the thought of having to wait at least another 6 weeks to even begin the process again (not to mention the thought of having to do it all over again) is about to drive me up the wall. I used to LOVE Christmas (even last year when we had done our last IUI and it didn't work) but this year, I burst into tears putting up the tree. Since we just dropped almost $25K, money's a little tighter so DH has said NO PRESENTS for either of us (but that hasn't stopped him from buying himself $250 worth of gadgets - I really think it's because he HATES to buy presents of any kind and truthfully he's not the most gracious giver). I know I sound like a spoiled brat but gift-giving (and receiving) is my main "love language" and it feels like since my hope and dream of a baby for Christmas has been taken away that I don't have much else to look forward to. For me, it's all about intent - "I thought of you and wanted you to have this". I guess I'm just feeling a little forgotten by everyone IRL. Their lives have moved on (as they should) but I can't because this journey isn't over yet. It's like they don't know what to say so they just don't say anything (which to me is the worst thing to do). We still have empty arms and nothing to show for it but broken hearts (and lighter wallets). I really truly used to be such a happy and joyful person but I'm not really feeling it right now. Things are SO much better than they were last year (spiritually, emotionally, physically) but I'm so worried that I'm headed for that same "dark pit" that I spent a majority of 2010 in. Thanks for reading.

Military Mom's picture
Joined: 09/09/04
Posts: 369

DancyNancy - Warning Long Reply-,

Awww sweetheart, I am so sorry!! (((((HUGS))))) I can relate in that, I think IVF and infertility just takes a toll on you emotionally and I had noone that I could talk to about it that understood me, I mean my friends listened but couldnt relate and my best friend made a joke (I think I mentioned in another post) "You can have one of mine, my husband looks at me and I am pregnant"... I know she was trying to make light of the situation but it didnt help me at all - in fact, it made me feel worse and I will never forget it- although, I wont tell her that. I just finished reading a book thats called When Nature Isnt Enough. It is written by a journalist who experienced infertility and went through IVF and she includes 5 other couples and their experiences. It might not help you feel any better or change your situation but when I read how it affected each person and their marriages, I felt like "wow" I am not the only one. I know infertility is hard on marriages but I thought I just had a bad marriage, at the time, because it seemed we were falling apart. I felt shame and I think reading that book just gave me a sense of "I am not alone". The holidays are hard when you are going through anything because you feel you should be happy and its a joyful time of year but all you can think about that is that one thing. I have been through it many holidays with infertility as well, my mom goes through it every holiday for losing my brother (who died almost 6 yrs ago at 23 yo), a really good friend goes through it every year because her mom died on Christmas Eve many years ago. I know what you mean also about feeling somewhat guilty about knowing you are blessed and there are others who have it worse - been there too. I dont know if this post/reply made you feel any better - maybe made you feel worse LOL with all my feelings and experiences but sometimes it just helps to vent and to know that you are truly understood. On a brighter note, maybe there is a way to work around the gift giving and create a small budget or a limit on the gifts or get creative - one of the gifts I am giving this year is a scrapbook - although that can be pricey getting all the items needed unless you are able to spend time and shop for bargains (which is what I try to do), or maybe you have a talent I dont (ie sewing, crocheting, etc) or have a little get together with family to "try" to lift your spirits and for just a moment focus on something else. One year, DH and I were actually seperated and he took the kids to his family so instead of being alone and depressed, I volunteered at the Salvation Army to hepl feed homeless. Maybe there is something you can do - maybe not any of my suggestions - to get you focused on something else jsut for a little bit. I think I am good at that - keeping myself busy and supressing things for the moment, although that always bites me in the *** LOL Anyway, long response but I was just very touched by your post because I have been there and I know how you feel and we are all here if you need us! Smile

meggyrn's picture
Joined: 02/16/09
Posts: 2263

The PP couldn't have said things any better than I could. What you are feeling is completely normal. I remember feeling like such a failure after my cycles. IF totally consumed my life. I was not who I used to be. I remember my family trying to talk to me about it and I wouldn't listen at all. I'd just get frustrated because they had no clue what I was going through. Now looking back, I know they are right. I remember a couple years ago getting out Christmas decorations and feeling so sad. I had bought a stocking holder and felt so sad that I never got to use it. Do you have any support groups for IF or therapist nearby to talk to that could maybe help you get through this so you don't fall into a pit? We are always here for you if you need to vent/talk. Just remember that. :bighug:

Joined: 09/19/11
Posts: 141

:bighug:

mrs.doolittle's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 1335

:bigarmhug: Coming from someone with two failed IVF cycles under my belt...I completely understand that "dark pit" that you are in and probably wrote a similar post myself several years ago. I actually remember my DH picking me up from work the day I got the call about our second cycle failing. I remember the details of the weather, the smell of the car, and telling my DH that I felt like it was hopeless and that I was in a "dark pit." So, to hear you describe your feelings brings back a wave of sadness that I've moved past (most of the time). IF is rough and unless someone has been through IVF, they really don't understand just how difficult it is emotionally. Having the women on this board who understood my feelings helped me feel "normal" again. If you are in a larger city I would suggest searching for a support group (or at least a therapist) to help you work through these issues. No one should have to go through this alone. It's hard on you, it's hard on your marriage, and there are people that can help. Take care of yourself! And remember that we are here for you. We hold each other up when things are rough and celebrate when life is good.

Mandie565's picture
Joined: 03/01/08
Posts: 693

:bigarmhug: Don't put a timeline on your grief. Let it work its course. If it takes a few months then thats what has to happen. I agree with the girls and look and see if there is a support group in your area or look for a therapist. Also remember that we are always here. I'm sorry DH is being a pain about gifts. Can u go out and buy yourself something nice? A piece of jewelry or something you've really wanted?

StateChick's picture
Joined: 03/22/07
Posts: 3629

Jenni, wish I could make you feel better. :bigarmhug:

annierose's picture
Joined: 03/27/06
Posts: 333

Your feelings are totally normal for your situation. I've been there too (and come out of it!). I remember seeing pregnant women at the mall while I was Christmas shopping and crying in public. I was a mess. I was so impatient to start the next IVF cycle, but ended up having to wait a while (my first IVF ended in miscarriage). During that time I spent a lot of time working on myself. I read books on happiness and courage. I tried to find things to do to fully occupy myself and to help others. I grieved before I could do all that though. I also skipped out on some Christmas stuff because I wasn't feeling up to it. Holidays are hard. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. :bigarmhug:

Okay, back to lurking...