Any Suggestions for Getting Off This Emotional Rollercoaster?

Cynthia Flynn's picture
Experts: 

QUESTION

Dear Midwife,
My husband is driving me crazy; so much I sit here writing on the verge of tears.We have been trying to conceive for only 3 months. Just 2 days ago, my husband dumped on me his frustration/impatience about becoming pregnant and how he doesn't feel like even having sex anymore. I knew he was having anxiety about it, but not to this degree. Also, we had a miscarriage this same time last year. I told him, he should have been more open about his feelings so that we can share them together. However he unloaded all of his years frustrations about what happened last year to what's not happening now.

We had just gotten married last year and really didn't plan for it, so we both agreed to put it off; now we're trying and its taking "too long" for him. I know in my mind and experience (I'm 40) that it can take a month or it can take a year. I am now sexually turned off and I can sense the tension in him as well. I was so glad that 2 days ago I ovulated and don't have to bother for the rest of the month! I have brought home literature from every on-line center I can find, books, etc. I've even given him examples of friends: 1 didn't conceive till 6 months, 1 fertility and in vitro for her 2 boys. He doesn't want to hear it.

Any suggestions, even a word of encouragement from someone else besides myself will do.

Thanks.
Baby Tee

ANSWER

I'm assuming that your husband is about your age, and it sounds like this is your (and his?) first child. If so, then you have both had decades of experience being able to plan and have things turn out pretty much as you've planned. Conception--and *definitely* parenting--do not fit in these categories. Both require a completely different mind set than you may be used to. It sounds like you understand this, but your husband does not. As you probably have seen on the boards that you visit, it is very emotionally demanding to try to conceive. If you go to the parenting boards, you will see that parenting is even more so!

I think it's a really good sign that your husband was able to vent all his frustrations about what has happened in the last year; many men cannot, and things just fester. He would probably benefit from a few sessions with a good counselor, but many men refuse to even try this route.

My best suggestion is to give it about another three months, with intercourse as many of the five days prior to ovulation and that day as possible. If you still haven't conceived, you might consult a reproductive endocrinologist, or an ob/gyn who specializes in infertility. If you have a choice, I might suggest that you choose a male, who might be able to help your husband with the emotional aspects.

Good luck!
-- Cynthia, CNM