I know that this is a little bit off topic but I am in great need of advice.
I have been married for 6 1/2 months. I love my husband very much and I do find him quite attractive. But over these months I have found that my desire for intercourse has dropped off the face of the earth. At first it hurt but I thought that it was just because I was new at it. Yet things did not get better. I can not seem to get turned on for more than five minutes max. I have never had an orgasm.
I am frustrated because my husband has been such a sweetheart and done all he can to help me. We have read books, been to the doctor, I am in the progress of switching my birth control and we are considering counseling. It is difficult for me because I want very much to be intimate with my husband but each time we start to kiss I become sad and frustrated that nothing seems to be working.
Do you have any advice?
Given your experiences so far, it is pretty understandable that you would be afraid of having the same experiences again, which of course increases the chances that your fears will materialize--kind of a chicken and egg problem. I don't know you, so can't say for sure, but it doesn't sound like a regular counselor is what's needed. If you have a history of sexual abuse or violence, you should see someone who specializes in that. If not, then you may want to see someone who has specialized training in helping with sexual difficulties. You may have to begin by learning how to reach orgasm on your own, for instance.
Thanks for writing, and yes, your midwife is a person you would tell about this, and she might be able to find you the appropriate help in your area. Many women never say anything and just fake it; you are very wise to seek help and get the problem solved sooner rather than later.
-- Cynthia, CNM. PhD.
Cynthia Flynn, CNM. PhD, is the General Director of the Family Health and Birth Center which provides prenatal, birth, postnatal, gynecological and primary health care to underserved women and their families in Washington, D.C. Recently Cynthia served as Associate Professor of Nursing at Seattle University. There she not only taught, but remained in full scope clinical midwifery practice at Valley Medical Center where she cared for pregnant and birthing women, and practices well-woman gynecology, family planning, and treatment of sexually transmitted diseases.
Cynthia founded Columbia Women's Clinic and Birth Center, where she took care of pregnant women and infants up to two weeks of age and attended both birth center and hospital births. Before Cynthia earned her CNM, she worked as a registered nurse in labor and delivery and postpartum and is a certified Doula and Doula trainer.