Arousal Issues

Cynthia Flynn's picture


Dear Midwife,
I know that this is a little bit off topic but I am in great need of advice.

I have been married for 6 1/2 months. I love my husband very much and I do find him quite attractive. But over these months I have found that my desire for intercourse has dropped off the face of the earth. At first it hurt but I thought that it was just because I was new at it. Yet things did not get better. I can not seem to get turned on for more than five minutes max. I have never had an orgasm.

I am frustrated because my husband has been such a sweetheart and done all he can to help me. We have read books, been to the doctor, I am in the progress of switching my birth control and we are considering counseling. It is difficult for me because I want very much to be intimate with my husband but each time we start to kiss I become sad and frustrated that nothing seems to be working.

Do you have any advice?


Given your experiences so far, it is pretty understandable that you would be afraid of having the same experiences again, which of course increases the chances that your fears will materialize--kind of a chicken and egg problem. I don't know you, so can't say for sure, but it doesn't sound like a regular counselor is what's needed. If you have a history of sexual abuse or violence, you should see someone who specializes in that. If not, then you may want to see someone who has specialized training in helping with sexual difficulties. You may have to begin by learning how to reach orgasm on your own, for instance.

Thanks for writing, and yes, your midwife is a person you would tell about this, and she might be able to find you the appropriate help in your area. Many women never say anything and just fake it; you are very wise to seek help and get the problem solved sooner rather than later.

Good luck!
-- Cynthia, CNM. PhD.