Doubts About Having a Baby

QUESTION

Dear Midwife,
My partner and I have been talking about trying for a baby for about a year now. Recently I stopped taking my pill. I had been three days into not taking it and suddenly felt anxious and started to have negative thoughts. I realize that worries are a natural process but I felt like I was doing the wrong thing. So I started them again which has left me in a bit of a pickle. Now I'm thinking that I have made the wrong choice yet again. Do these feelings I'm having mean that I'm not ready? What do you think? My partner is 12 years older then me and we have a strong loving relationship and we are both financially stable. I have been thinking about this decision for so long now, could that be the problem?

I keep thinking about whether I will cope and whether I will feel isolated once Ive had the baby. My partner tends to want to go on lads' holidays snowboarding and I am worried that he'll still want to go on them when we have a child (although he has calmed down over the last two years). I see us as being a team which means he can't just up and go on holiday when he wants as I wouldn't dream of leaving my child behind. We have spoke about this and he assures me that he won't, but in another breath he is saying that if it was a close friends' stag do, he would want to go for the weekend!

I'm worried that I'm going to miss "our" time together and I'm not sure why. I know that he is so looking forward to being a dad, I also know he'll be great just by the way he is with my younger brother and sister from my mother's second marriage. But I have so many things on my mind, I just cant help but think negatively! I really would be grateful if you could give me some advice.

ANSWER

I really think you would benefit from professional counseling before you make any big decisions. It will help you to get much clearer in your own mind.

You don't mention being married; if you are not, you might want to consider taking that step first, as marriage is much less of a commitment than having a child together, and see how that goes. Just an idea -- I don't know you at all, which is why I suggest you talk to a professional who will get to know you better than I ever could.

-- Cynthia, CNM

Cynthia Flynn

Cynthia Flynn, CNM. PhD, is the General Director of the Family Health and Birth Center which provides prenatal, birth, postnatal, gynecological and primary health care to underserved women and their families in Washington, D.C. Recently Cynthia served as Associate Professor of Nursing at Seattle University. There she not only taught, but remained in full scope clinical midwifery practice at Valley Medical Center where she cared for pregnant and birthing women, and practices well-woman gynecology, family planning, and treatment of sexually transmitted diseases.

Cynthia founded Columbia Women's Clinic and Birth Center, where she took care of pregnant women and infants up to two weeks of age and attended both birth center and hospital births. Before Cynthia earned her CNM, she worked as a registered nurse in labor and delivery and postpartum and is a certified Doula and Doula trainer.