ANSWER

Dear Kimberly,
We are so sorry that your first baby's life ended in an ectopic pregnancy. Your grief is no doubt compounded by the devastating loss of a long-awaited, much anticipated conception, after a long struggle with fertility. It is an especially cruel twist of fate that your sister is pregnant, making you feel especially alone and forgotten.

Your painful feelings, including sorrow, isolation, and hopelessness, are normal parts of your grief. Yes, it is possible for you to still conceive and carry a normal pregnancy. Even though you may feel as if your body has betrayed you, unfortunately, it is also quite common for pregnancy to end too soon. It is not your fault. So many conditions have to be just right for conception and implantation to occur normally, that many bereaved mothers can attest to the fact that it's a wonder that any healthy babies are born.

As to "why" this happened, go back to the reproductive specialists with this question. They may be able to give you some answers, but even they might not be able to tell you precisely why, or what the future holds. Have you tried seeing a licensed acupuncturist? Acupuncture treatments can be quite effective for certain types of infertility -- particularly the types that Western medicine has no answers for. Any other alternative medicine that appeals to you might also yield results, as it can help you approach your health more holistically, instead of just focusing on the reproductive parts of your body.

As for your family "forgetting" about your loss, chances are, they do care but are unsure of how to support you. They may feel uncomfortable, because they don't know what to say, and don't want to remind you of your sorrow. Many people think that especially with early pregnancy loss, it's better to help the parents forget about it, under the mistaken belief that if you can forget, you won't feel sad. But you will always remember this baby, and your grieving is a key to your moving forward into healing.

To enlist support, you might try confiding in some family members. Tell them that you feel alone and forgotten, and how much it really does help to have people in your life who are willing to just listen to you and accept your feelings as they are. There really is nothing anyone can say that will "fix" it, and you can assure them that you don't want them to make you feel better, but just understand and be there for you when you need to talk. Most people are glad to have this kind of guidance, because they can feel powerless to help.

It may also benefit you to speak with your sister-she may be relieved that you can broach this topic with her, as she may be especially concerned for you and your feelings about her pregnancy. Talking honestly can help clear the air and set the groundwork for a mutual understanding between the two of you. Perhaps she could also talk to the rest of the family for you as well, and be your advocate.

It can also help you to find and rely on other sources of support, including support groups, understanding friends, or professional counseling. The more support you have surrounding you, the less alone you'll feel, regardless of how your family reacts.

We wish you well,
-- Debbie and Mara
The Childbirth Complication Expert Team

Send Page To a Friend