Excluded by the O.B.


Dear Mr. Dad,
I'm really excited about my wife's pregnancy and started to go to the doctor's appointments with her. But the doctor basically ignores me or gives me a silly looking smile. I want to stay involved but I'm getting really angry. Is there anything else I can do?


For some expectant dads, the joys and excitement and anticipation they experience as the pregnancy progresses can be outweighed by the bitterness they feel at the way they're treated by their partner's doctors.

Sadly, most men who go to their wife's OB appointments feel just like you do: as though they're cute or novel or just annoying. And a big percentage of expectant dads complain that medical professionals -- OBs, nurses, ultrasound technicians, and support staff-tend to treat them as though they're little more than intruders or spectators and the wife is the only one worth dealing with. If they get talked to at all, it's only to discuss the ways they can support their wives. The fact that the dad-to-be might have some specific and important needs, concerns, questions, worries, or anything of his own else rarely seems to occur to anyone.

Fortunately, this isn't true of every medical professional. Some OBs will go out of their way to include the dad in the process. They make a special point of looking at him while talking about what's going on with his wife and baby, they encourage him to ask questions and they answer them thoroughly and respectfully.

But don't just sit back and expect to be welcomed into what is generally women's private domain. Make it clear as early as you can that you want to be involved-especially if you have even the slightest suspicion that you're not being taken seriously. Ask a lot of questions, behave as interested as you possibly can, and make it impossible for them to ignore you.

If you still don't get the respect and attention you deserve tell the doctor point-blank that you want to be included. You may have to do it more than once but eventually he or she will get the point.
-- "Mr. Dad"


You and Wife need to make it

You and Wife need to make it clear that you want to be included and if he refuses or you keep getting excluded change Dr's. This is supposed to be a wonderful bonding time for all and there is no reason for you to be made to feel this way. I wish you and wife a safe wonderful 9 months

Armin Brott

A nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott is the bestselling author of The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-To-Be, The New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First Year, Fathering Your Toddler, The Military Father: A Hands-on Guide for Deployed Dads, and four other books on fatherhood. He has written on parenting, fatherhood, and health for the New York Times Magazine, The Washington Post, Newsweek, and dozens of other periodicals. He also hosts "Positive Parenting," which airs on a dozen stations in the US and worldwide on the American Forces Network. Armin lives with his family in Oakland, California. You may visit his website at mrdad.com to learn more.