Three months ago, my twin sons were born prematurely and died the following day. I'm seeing a grief counselor this week, and think that will help me. My question is, how do you know when you are ready to start trying again? My husband and I had already waited 7 years before we decided to try for the first time.
And though I have given birth and held my sons in my arms, I don't have children in my home. I long for a child in my arms, in my house that I can nurture, love and watch grow.
How do I know when its time? I don't want to rush into it but that need and want is still there. I know there is not a stock answer but I appreciate your insight all the same.
You have our condolences for the deaths of your baby twin sons. During this month, the month of their due date, your longing may be especially intense, as you expected to still be pregnant and then to have a pair of newborns in your arms. Due date anniversaries can be especially heart-wrenching. You're in our thoughts.You're right, there are no rules about when a mother is ready to try again. That's because there are so many factors that play a part in this decision. There are reasons for waiting, as well as reasons for diving right in, and each individual couple needs to weigh these factors according to their unique circumstances and feelings. Instead of having a doctor prescribe how many months to wait, you benefit from having information and open-ended advice, so you can make the best decision for yourselves.
The advantages to waiting all involve the idea of giving your body sufficient time to recover physically from the pregnancy, plus giving you more time to recover emotionally before you embark on the turmoil of a subsequent pregnancy.
Giving yourself enough time to recover physically offers your next pregnancy the best chance of succeeding, and your doctor can advise you on a time frame for that. Especially if you experienced complications, you may also want more time to research or consult with doctors about what went wrong, and time to arm yourself with information on what you can do to prevent recurrence or other problems.
While waiting until your body has recovered physically is always a good idea, emotional recovery is not as clear cut or absolute. You'll never be completely "over" your twin sons' death, so after you're ready physically, you are the best judge as to whether you're ready emotionally to take the plunge or whether it's better to wait even longer.
Many moms wait longer, feeling like they need more time to gather their courage, or hoping that their anxiety during the pregnancy will be less if they aren't in the thick of their grief during that time. Some dads need more time to warm up to the idea, especially if their partner, the mom, experienced complications during the pregnancy or postpartum period. Many moms also feel that as their grief softens, they'll be better able to enjoy a new baby more. On the other hand, many mothers believe that getting pregnant is a key to their emotional recovery.
Indeed, for many mothers, the desire to become pregnant right away can feel like an obsession. It is only natural for you to long for a baby in your arms, especially when your body is still recovering physically and hormonally from its pregnant state. If your "biological clock" is ticking or if you've experienced infertility, the anxiety of waiting may be greater than the anxiety of proceeding. For moms who have older children, they may want the next child spaced closer rather than farther. Other moms feel like they have an obstetrician who will be especially supportive and vigilant in terms of prenatal care, giving them the courage they need to go ahead. Or you may believe that you are managing your fear or anxiety as well as you ever will, so now is as good a time as any. You may also find solace in the thought that another pregnancy is a chance to recapture some of your lost dreams and that having another baby can give you the positive childbirth and parenting experience you long for. If your partner is eager to try again and you can be supportive of each other during this time, this can be a signal to move forward.
Here are some of the many factors you'll need to weigh to make the decision that's right for you:
-- Debbie and Mara
The Crisis Pregnancy Expert Team
Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D. and Mara Tesler Stein, Psy.D. are the authors of Parenting Your Premature Baby and Child: The Emotional Journey, a 2004 National Parenting Publications Awards "Gold Award" winner. They also collaborated on Parent: You and Your Baby in the NICU (2002), as part of the nationwide March of Dimes NICU Project. They.ve been invited to regularly contribute to Advances in Neonatal Care, a neonatal nursing journal; their first article appears in Spring 2005. They are the founding members of Partners in Perinatal and Pediatric Consulting, which promotes developmentally supportive care for babies and parents, as well as collaboration between families and health care professionals.
Dr. Stein is a clinical psychologist in private practice, specializing in the emotional aspects of coping with crisis and adjustment around pregnancy and parenting. She is regularly invited to lecture and give workshops on these issues throughout the country to conferences of physician and nursing groups, doulas, and lactation consultants. Since 1997, she has been consulting with organizations and providing training to health care providers, guiding their efforts to improve the level of psychological support and developmentally supportive care to families during and subsequent to perinatal crisis.
Dr. Davis is a developmental psychologist, researcher, and writer who specializes in perinatal and neonatal crisis, medical ethics, parental bereavement, parent education, and child development. Dr. Davis is the author of four books for bereaved parents, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart (Fulcrum, 1991; 1996), Loving and Letting Go (Centering, 1993; 2002), Fly Away Home (Centering, 2000) and Stillbirth, Yet Still Born (PILC, 2000). She is also on the Board of the Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Alliance (PLIDA.org) and is regularly invited to write articles for professional periodicals and parent support materials.